Swimming With The Fishes

I heard a hilarious tale about a fish incident that I would like to share with you. Of course, this is the Gwen Banta, two martini, Friday version, but somewhere in here you'll find the naked truth about a real event in the Hollywood Hills:

Patrick, Realtor extraordinaire from West Hollywood, landed a juicy listing in the Hollywood Hills, and Patrick was determined to impress. The home was a standard Hollywood Hills mini-mansion with spectacular views of Tinsel Town, a pool spa, gym, screening room, and a lavish Koi Pond full of gazillion dollar trophy fish - features we all have in our homes. Uh-huh.

Shortly after the first open house, the sellers called Patrick and announced that they had to leave for Cannes and asked if he would check on the property periodically. Oh - and please make sure the Koi pond does not fill up with algae (scum is discouraged in the Hollywood Hill unless it drives a Mercedes.) Patrick, ever eager to please, agreed. It would have been better if had agreed to shave his beard with a chain saw.

As instructed, Patrick waited three days to check on the pond. When he returned to the house, he was quite dismayed to see a thick film of gunk forming on the water. Ever the dutiful agent, he immediately grabbed the algae remover, but he was baffled about how much to add. He could not reach the sellers via phone, so he poured in a small amount, and, unsure of himself, seized a what-the-hell moment and threw in some more. (Cue the chain saw.)

The following day, Patrick returned to check on the fish. To his horror, at least eight of the koi were doing the back swim. We're talking belly up, folks. Patrick went into the biggest panic of his life. He could hear the fish, in their dying breath, mumbling "Koi Killer," and "Je accuse" and "Et tu, Brute." (Apparently several fish were foreign nationals.) The Hollywood Reporter reported that one fish even left a will...

CLICK HERE FOR THE TAIL END OF A FISH TALE:

Thank you to my dear friend at Sotheby's International Realty.