Ripley's Real Estate - Believe It or Not!

Ripley's Real Estate:

We all know the importance of staging a home in order to get the best price possible. Some sellers do it themselves, while others prefer professional staging companies. I live in a town where many people work in the film business, so I often see movie memorabilia used as house decor. Not all of it is attractive; in fact, some of it is downright absurd, hideous or hilarious. I would like to share a few examples of poor staging I have actually witnessed with my own bloodshot eyeballs:

Maybe You Should Re-think That, Pal

The morgue table being used as a dining room table in the home of a known Hollywood Actor (Ideal for cold buffets.)

The throne toilet in the Beverly Hills home of a Broadway producer. When someone sits on the seat, it plays 76 Trombones. (For the Rooty Tooty Royal Bootie.)

The in-home bar with an IV bag full of booze, supposedly from the show, ER. (Line up for the ever popular Nip and Drip!)

The soda fountain with stools shaped like open hands. (In case you want a bit of grab_ss with your sweet thing.)

The pot plant in the greenhouse window (Sure...it's an "herb garden," wink wink. And I suppose that grow light over the plant is a solar panel...)

The "dead dog" on the floor of one producer's office that looked so real it was upsetting. (The owner cleverly named the dog "Stay.")

The clock that said "In ‘N' Out Burger"...with the ‘B" and the last "R" in burger removed. (The clock was over the bed...in the guest room.)

The double closets, staged by a professional staging company, with male clothes in both. (Unfortunately, the absent and clueless seller was a very married rabbi...)

The mushroom shaped table with an Alice in Wonderland sized hookah and a set of cymbals.

(Bang a Gong and Smoke a Bong.)

A pale blue velour arched bed frame with tassels. (Ahhhhh - the mellow bordello.)

Bad Mojo:

The giant White Elephant in a house in the Valley - a house that just...would...not...ever...sell.... (Never ignore the "elephant in the living room.")

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MLS One-liners - Buh Dum Bum

Just when I am convinced I have seen all the MLS bloopers that could possible occur, the MLS rides forth again with a cornucopia of delicious craziness. Hang on for this week's ride:

A Whole Bag of Crazy

"Separate quarters to hose your guests" (Not a B & B, but a Stay and Spray.)

"See attached pigs under main photo" (See agent under bar stool.)

"Oggers presented at 6:00 pm" (Ah...a cotillion for trolls.)

"Watch the sun drip behind the mountains" (The ultimate in Global Warming.)

"EZ access to fleeway" (A home near the Mexican border, no doubt.)

"Metriculous attention to detail" (Somehow I doubt that...)

"Living room offers pastural views" (Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam...)

"Stunned canyon views" (Stoned canyon agent.)

"Must call first - Private Celebrity Confound" (Exclusion and confusion!)

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Holiday Open Houses - Fun or Fiasco?

I thought I would share my favorite holiday blooper tales so that some of you could avoid the pitfalls of theme oriented open houses. Those who pay heed may avoid disaster. The rest of you are on your own.

Ditch the Witch

One clever agent decided to increase traffic for her Brokers Open by planning a Halloween fun house. She advertised in the
MLS Open House Guide that there would be a few "Halloween surprises." It never occurred to her that SOME agents just follow the MLS open house lists and do not read the Open House Guide. (Cue the music from Nightmare on Elm Street, maestro.)

On the day of the open house one broker entered, delighted to see the Halloween décor. As she began her tour of the house, she opened the door in the foyer. Suddenly there was a piercing cackle, and a witch dropped down on a broomstick. The agent screamed and nearly fainted from shock. Fortunately there was no pacemaker involved, but the hapless agent unexpectedly emptied her bladder and had to go home - wet, humiliated, and p_ssed. (How redundant!)

Moral of the Story: It's great to come out of the closet, but make sure your audience is prepared...or wearing Depends.

What Day Is It Anyway?

Full of holiday spirit, one agent decided to do a Christmas open house in mid December. The day before, she baked, decorated, and set up for the open house in the seller's dining room. While adding the finishing touches, it dawned on her that a large target group in her area hailed from Israel. At the last minute she decided to do a Hanukkah theme and hurried home to send out email fliers announcing a Hanukkah Brokers Open. She ran out to purchase Star of David cookies and other non-Christmas baked goods so she would be politically correct and oh-so-hip. (Cue the music from Fiddler on the Roof, boys.)

The next day, the open house had steady traffic, but the reaction of many agents seemed unusually reserved. In fact, a few seemed downright curt...

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The Real Estate Comedy Tour Starts Here

Usually I have to wait several weeks to accumulate enough fodder from The MLS to fill a blooper blog, but this week was exceptional. It has been a long year, and agents out there are either exceptionally tired...or exceptionally loaded. Here is the best of the week:

Real Estate with a Twist

Proudly erect Old Gory (Try to keep it at half staff, boys.)

Polished Pig-n-groove floors (Who says you can't dress up a pig?)

Depressed property specialist (Motto: We blame low prices on your bad childhood.)

Clotted cheese ceilings have been removed (Clotted brained agent still on duty.)

Kitchen with new farm stink (I'll bet it has pig-n-groove floors.)

Sellers have been dislocated (Apparently Vini "The Squeeze" Gambino represented the buyers.)

House with creeping jasmine and red shingles (A Scratch and Sniff delight.)

Cooktop with gretle (Hansel in oven)

Experienced at shot sales (That's obvious, you lush.)

Many armenities (Upgrades for Armenians)

Entelligent design (Remedial agent.)

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The MLS - Bloopers, Bowels and Let's Not Forget the French

Believe it or not, last week there actually was an ad in the MLS Caravan Express announcing a house where you could "Live Near the Hollywood Bowel." It boggles the mind. I suppose the location was "easy in and out." (Or maybe the agent hails from Flushing.) I am not sure how many of these MLS bloopers are foolishness or how many are Freudian, but they sure make for good reading. Here are this week's hilarious contributions:

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

Fireplace with stone hearse. (For those seeking a ride to their crematorium.)

Nude sculptor non negotiable (I dunno - he sounds pretty easy to me.)

Built-in BBQ and attractive duck (Get your affairs in order, Daffy.)

Gym and handleball courts (I knew that sooner or later men would make this a sport!)

New Irritation system (I suspect this is connected to the Hollywood Bowel)

New deposit roof (A house that's located near a bird sanctuary.)

House has shudders (House needs Valium)

Beautiful bougainvillea and crapping fig (Agent with s__t for brains)

Korean countertops (If you cook on the North side of the kitchen, you'll be shot.)

Soapstoned counters (Well stoned agent.)

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Real Estate, Frank, Elvis and the Beatles

Isn't it interesting how a person can hear a song and feel as though it were written just for them? Nietzsche said, "Without music, life would be a mistake." Last week I talked about real estate's influence on literature, and today I think we should consider how some of the most famous songs in the world were influenced by our often undervalued profession. Here's my evidence (would I lie to you?):

Happiness is a Warm Gun (A Brokers Open in South Central)

Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds (A Beverly Hills agent on nine cups of java)

Please, Please Me (Refrain of the Greek Chorus at a Listing Appointment)

Another One Bites the Dust (Refrain of the Greek Chorus when your buyer tells you he recently "invested" the down payment money)

Thriller (A 4% commission that requires no sexual favors)

Brown Sugar (A sweet deal that turns to s__t.)

Dancing Queen (A West Hollywood agent at COE)

Straight Outta Compton (A house with bullet holes for air conditioning)

Bang Bang (Name of the HVAC company that services Compton)

You Shook Me All Night Long (Twilight Open near the San Andreas Fault)

Would I Lie To You (An extra credit question on the state real estate exam - the multiple choice selection is: a) Yes b) Why Not? c) Does a turd float? or c) All of the above, bozo)

The Tracks of My Tears (The road from here to your last failed escrow)

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Cat on a Hot Tin Real Estate Roof

Some folks think real estate is a boring business, but have you ever noticed the influence real estate has had on the arts? Over a Friday martini lunch, be sure to check out the following famous books, and you'll see what I mean:

Gone With the Wind (Stated Income)

Hard Times (L.A. Agent Driving a KIA)

From Here To Eternity (Time required to close a Short Pay)

The Mousetrap (A Starter Home in Los Angeles)

The Divine Comedy (Housing Prices in Beverly Hills)

A Streetcar Named Desire (An agent’s bus trip home after his Porsche is repossessed)

The Odyssey (Driving around Los Angeles with a flaky buyer)

Cat on A Hot Tin Roof (An agent trying to explain the naked girl in the seller’s pool)

A Confederacy of Dunces (Agents in a conga line at Last Call)

Shogun (Good advice when showing houses in South Central)

The Godfather (A deal where everyone gets bloody, but the pizza at the open house is great)

The Call of the Wild (A real estate convention in Vegas)

Les Miserables (Four agents in a Focus…clipping coupons)

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