Death By Blogging

Okay, all you blogging animals - isn't anyone out there as exhausted from all the blogging "how-to's and must-do's" as I? I have become a bleary-eyed recluse. My computer should be buying me dinner, as it gets more action in one day than I have had in a decade!

I have blood-shot eyes and a back porch spread that makes my jeans scream in protest. My fingers are cramped and my shoulders have given way to a permanent slump. If I could turn my stiff neck, I'd probably be greeted by a dowager's hump named Gertrude. I have to ask myself: "Shouldn't I be out pressing the flesh rather than growing it?" When I cuddle up to my computer, does it really whisper sweet nothings, or is that just the wheezing from my under-used lungs? Perhaps that's just the sound of Gertrude admonishing me for my lack of interaction with anything that breathes.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Are my cyberspace friends going to rush over here to my Blog Bog and place a damp cloth to my brow when I finally fall face forward onto my keyboard? Does anyone give a rat's a__ that I moved up a notch on my points ladder this week? Am I the only person who is overwhelmed by the pressures of today's non-social networking expectations? ...Or is it simply that my last martini finally kicked in?

Does anyone else have Blogger's Blues?

Looking for homes in Los Angeles and the surrounding areas? Please visit me at www.LAhomesite.com

"This House Will Smell Fast!"

This week's MLS was a whole bag ‘o crazy. Seriously, there should be a movie. I doubt if even Tina Fey could write anything funnier. Imagine it in 3D - with "fully stocked bras" and "large panty off kitchen." Special thanks to Greg Cooper and Patrick Martin and Fred Glick for their contributions:

Stinkin' and Drinkin'

"Garage and paddyo leans - needs support." (So does my Irish Uncle Paddyo after 4 pints of Guinness.

"This House will smell fast." (It seems the realtor stinks, also.)

"House has conservatorium" (A crematorium for Republicans, perhaps?)

"Hammered clobber tub" (I'll tell you who's hammered...)

"Everything on porch sways" (Tell Uncle Paddyo to get off the porch.)

And I Thought I had Heard It All...

"Converted church w/ original ball tower." (Geez - men need a monument for everything!)

"Extra Room in Attica" ( So much for prison overcrowding...)

"Laura Ashley pints in bedroom." (Uncle Paddyo passed out on bed.)

"Lazy Susan in kitch won't twist" (Put a dollar in her G String and see what happens)

"Antique fixtures made of bras." (Yes, old ones are hard to hold up.)

Gripes With the Pipes

"Chiten beans and rice served." (Someone will be chiten later for sure!)

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Do you Tweet in order to establish your brand and promote your business? If you wnat more Tweet Power, check out this article from Tricia Anderson at Rismedia (o3/26/2010)

7 TIPS TO BRAND YOURSELF ON TWITTER

Marketing Messaging by Tricia Andreassen

RISMEDIA, March 26, 2010—There is a new wave of communication and lead generation opportunities in 2010, among them are social media platforms like Twitter. As one of the most prominent social networking platforms, Twitter is a great place to connect with people and give “tweets” of information about what is happening in your market. Twitter can also be the first place that people learn about who you are, what you do and why you are valuable to follow online.

With that in mind, think of Twitter as an extension of your business. Now, more than ever, it’s important to create a brand that helps your business stand out from the rest. You wouldn’t go to a networking function without business cards that include your company information, your phone number and a description of what you do, so make sure your Twitter account does. Consistency is the key when you are building and communicating your brand, no matter if it’s traditional advertising or new social media platforms.

Twitter even provides users the opportunity to brand themselves and their business. When signing up for Twitter, you are given the opportunity to use one of their template “skins” to showcase yourself or to create your own custom skin. By creating a custom branded Twitter skin you can showcase your own colors, your slogan or tag line and even your logo, further branding you and your business. With a custom Twitter skin that matches the branding of your business website, you are enhancing the probability that potential clients will remember you and your business.

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Fetch Me a Cold one

It's been another week of marvelous MLS bloopers, friends. Sit back, prop up those tired feet, and have a few laughs. Some of these come straight from the Guinness Book of Bloopers. (That's Guinness, as in the Irish ale. I think a few of these agents must chug that stuff.)

Order Me Another

"Beautiful Curved Spinal Staircase" - (That's called scoliosis, bozo.)

"Three Stunning Decks, Two Walking Closets" (And a partridge in a pear tree.)

"Mother died - Sellers committed" (Pushing Daisies and Bag-o-Crazies)

"Buyers are Certifiable" (Margot Kidder and Anne Heche must be home shopping)

"Bar w/ bankok seating" (Happy hour special: Mai Thais.)

"House on peers" (Cue the music and tell ‘em, Mick: "Don't wanna be your beast of burden...")

"New pipes and antiseptic system (We ream ‘em then clean ‘em)

"Small criminal activity" (I think they prefer the term "little people")

Bottoms Up

"Peek-a-boop city view in main bath" (Referred to as a boop-n-poop.)

"Remodelvated master" (Retarderated listing agent.)

"Plse be confederate of tenants" (...Or what - will they file a Civil War suit?)

"Own a piece of heathen" (I'd prefer a whole heathen - I need a date for New Year.)

Last Call:

PLEASE CLICK HERE FOR MORE MLS BLOOPERS

Real Estate, Frank, Elvis and the Beatles

Isn't it interesting how a person can hear a song and feel as though it were written just for them? Nietzsche said, "Without music, life would be a mistake." Last week I talked about real estate's influence on literature, and today I think we should consider how some of the most famous songs in the world were influenced by our often undervalued profession. Here's my evidence (would I lie to you?):

Happiness is a Warm Gun (A Brokers Open in South Central)

Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds (A Beverly Hills agent on nine cups of java)

Please, Please Me (Refrain of the Greek Chorus at a Listing Appointment)

Another One Bites the Dust (Refrain of the Greek Chorus when your buyer tells you he recently "invested" the down payment money)

Thriller (A 4% commission that requires no sexual favors)

Brown Sugar (A sweet deal that turns to s__t.)

Dancing Queen (A West Hollywood agent at COE)

Straight Outta Compton (A house with bullet holes for air conditioning)

Bang Bang (Name of the HVAC company that services Compton)

You Shook Me All Night Long (Twilight Open near the San Andreas Fault)

Would I Lie To You (An extra credit question on the state real estate exam - the multiple choice selection is: a) Yes b) Why Not? c) Does a turd float? or c) All of the above, bozo)

The Tracks of My Tears (The road from here to your last failed escrow)

FOR MORE MUSIC AND REAL ESTATE, PLEASE CLICK HERE

Real Estate Tales From The Streets of Hollywood

After a reader read my rant last week, "R U Networking or NOTworking," he challenged me to try a day of face-to-face marketing. (For those of you who cannot recall what that is, it involves getting out of your chair.) Moron that I am, I accepted his challenge and headed out onto the mean streets of Los Angeles to solicit clients. This is the bizarre story I barely lived to tell:

8:00 am: I pop out of bed. (That's early for us showbiz types.) After donning my fake designer duds I head out the door of my Hansel-and-Gretel-size overpriced house, jump into my leased Mercedes, wave to my stoned neighbor, try to back over a slow-moving kid (hey - this is L.A., not Iowa - speed or bleed!), and serpentine down Laurel Canyon with throngs of other Los Angelinos who feel that driving should never distract them from texting. Twenty minutes later, I finally arrive at Rite-Aid Drugs, which is practically walking distance to my house.

9:30 am: I run into Rite-Aid to grab a few of the props I will need for marketing: 1. Red Bull. (I do not drink caffeine because my synapses are already challenged, but I must have it visible in my car in order to look cool.) 2. Gourmet dog cookies and 3. Pepper Spray, which the somnolent salesclerk insists they don't sell. When I tell her I am about to embark on direct marketing and ask if the store sells firearms, she threatens to call the manager. I slip out the door before the manager/actor/bartender/waiter can find me and assault me with a head shot.
That's Not What I Had in Mind, Waldo!

9:45 am: Outside the store a group of people have congregated. With utmost confidence, I approach the group and hand out my business cards, offering to price their homes or answer any questions they may have, as though I am the Oracle of Re-fi. One guy asks me if I will marry him and have his demon spawn, and another turns his back on me and pees on a nearby newspaper stand.

TO CONTINUE WITH TALES OF HOLLYWOOD REAL ESTATE, PLEASE CLICK HERE

What'd You Say, Willis???

It's difficult being an internet moron. I should know. I am always amazed when tech geniuses speak freely in another language that involves pings, tracking, SEO's and a list of other words that baffle me. I am a fossil - a writer who was told I could write if I blog. Heck, I can barely type, so diving into Word Press and Flickr was about as easy for me as getting a sex change. Before my maiden voyage, I thought "blog" was a state of physical distress caused by too much salt on my margaritas. So here I am, in a world gone mad with technology and new phrases, with no translator.

There must be other morons like me out there. Hello? Are you there? Buck up and admit you are as dense as I am! On behalf of all of us internet-challenged relics, I am herein providing a vocabulary of words as we know them, so that maybe those Geniuses will understand that they must communicate to some of us through our own portal (whatever that is.) Here it is folks - straight off the Rosetta stone - Vocabulary of the Internet Clueless:

Website - Vision after 45 (Or after a Colt 45)

Tags - Fleshy outcroppings that should be lopped off

SEO - Serious Estrogen Overload (Not limited to Pamela Anderson...or Clay Aiken)

Upload - A high colonic

Download - The aftermath of too many burritos

Portal - Location of a Download

Search Engine - A drill performed by those idiots who lost that fire truck in Iowa

Twitter - PeeWee Herman on Red Bull

Flash Drive - Britney on Hollywood Blvd.

Tweet - "Sweet" - as pronounced in West Hollywood (and by Clay Aiken)

Active Rain - A serious incontinence problem

FOR MORE TRANSLATIONS FOR THE INTERNET CHALLENGED, PLEASE CLICK HERE: