Lender Loops and Hoops - Holding on To My Last Bit of Sanity

I don’t know about you, but I am on the verge of a breakdown. Why? Because I am so frustrated with the lending institutions that I have developed a drool, a twitch, and a wicked rash. I truly think the lending institutions are hindering our economic recovery. The bailout money is not translating into increased sales as far as I can see. What I do see is a lot of bank execs with spray on tans, new hair weaves, and fake-tooth smiles that gleam like tombstones in the California sun. Due to the drop in home values, refinancing odds are worse than the odds that Ms. Lohan will drop off the radar, keep her clothes on, and join a nunnery. And modifications are as challenging as navigating the L.A. freeways on a skateboard while wearing a blindfold.

I have observed that there is double speak in all bank dealings. Thus, I think it would be helpful to have a translation guide to understand the dubious promises being made daily by these Not-Lending institutions. Does anyone remember Jon Lovitz on Saturday Night Live (“I slept with Morgan Fairchild)? Well, Jon, I’d believe your imaginative claim before I’d believe some of the following promises (all of which I have actually heard):

For Those Just Off the Turnip Truck
1.“Qualified buyers can still get a loan.” (Translation: “Don’t forget to rip out your kidney and staple it to your application.”)
2.“After you submit your loan mod package, we will reply in 30 days.” (Translation: “We will mutter, ‘Hell, No, Dude’ to a donut somewhere on the opposite coast, and then we will use your file as a foot stool. You have about as much chance of hearing from us as from Amelia Earhart.”)
3.“We have your client’s application in our files.” (Translation: “We threw your paperwork into Modification Missy’s trunk. She’s on her way to Vegas, but she’ll get to it soon. Oh wait, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’…and so will Missy. She’s not coming back…and neither is your file. Next!”)
4.“We require a complete modification or short sale package.” (Translation: “We require three packages – one for the shredder, another one to be left on a desk so someone can steal your pathetic identity, and one to be erroneously sent to the Foreclosure Department.”)
5.“We are the fastest in turnaround when your buyers need a loan.” (Translation: “Underwriter Earl (Missy’s cubicle mate) will slip into his sparkling red pumps, click them together, turn around three times, and squeal, ‘There’s no place like home…and your client sure as hell ain’t gettin’ one, honey!”)
6.“We sympathize with your client’s situation.” (Translation: “HaHaHaHaHa. Tell him to grow a set.”)
7.“Your client’s file is in the hands of experts who have experience in navigating rough waters.” (Translation: “Our trained negotiators were formally pirates in the Carribbean, and your client’s ship is about to be seized.”)
8.“This short sale will close about thirty days after approval.” (Translation: “This short sale will close about thirty days after Peter Minuit returns Manhattan Island to the Indians.”)

What Happens in Banking Stays in Banking

1.“All we need is one more document to complete the file.” (Translation: “All we need is your remaining kidney. We lost the first one. It was last seen in Missy’s trunk.”)
2.“We are here to help those who are struggling to pay their mortgages.” (Translation: “Files of those who have stopped paying will be expedited because our values are backasswards. Thus, we encourage all applicants to blow their credit ratings. It’s trendy! By the way, didya notice my sparkling new chompers?”)
3.“Your client has a chance to get his loan modified, but he cannot miss one trial payment.” (Translation: “Although he cannot pay, we will string him along for as much time as we can in order to get his savings and retirement money before seizing his home and kicking grandma to the curb. Incidentally, does Granny still have her kidneys?”)
4.“Trial Payments are for a maximum of three months.” (Translation: “Then we call them “String” payments, because we string you along until you are ready to string yourself from a tree limb. In the meantime, we will be doing the limbo to see how low we can go.”)
5.“The computer has given us a loan approval based on the appraisal.” (Translation: “Of course, Appraisal Reviewer Rita may lower the value of the appraisal even if it comes it at value, because she must account for dismal market conditions – for which we were largely responsible and continue to be largely responsible – and because Rita must cover her arse to keep her job because she just purchased your unemployed, disabled neighbor’s foreclosed home while the neighbor’s sobbing children clung to her fat ankles.”)
6. “In order to complete this short sale, your client needs to contribute cash.” (Translation: “Although the guy is losing his 20% down payment, has lost his job and has no money at all, why can’t he rip the braces off his kids’ teeth and sell them for scrap metal? C’mon – work with us here!”)
7.“I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” (Translation: “You’ll never find me again. If you call back, you’ll just get someone else who has been working here for five minutes. You will have to start all over again. You will have to tell your story to fifty more screeners and submit three more short sale packages. You will develop another tick before this is all over…and maybe even Tourette syndrome. Now excuse me, I’m on my way to Vegas with Missy, Earl and Rita…and one of your kidneys.”)

Shot Yourself In The Foot, Huh?

This post was inspired by a recent conversation with an agent who told me that the house on the hill above was slipping, "but only a little." I live in earthquake territory, folks. There's no such thing as "slipping a little." That's like being "partially pregnant." Thus, I asked around and gathered some contributions to the Words to Avoid list. Please enjoy:

First, the Absurd...

"Oh, heck, we all grew up with black mold." (Is that why your eyes roll inward and your tongue hangs out?)

"They had a pot-bellied pig that ruined the carpet." (I had a pot-bellied husband that ruined the couch.)

"The old lady next door is crazy but nice." (So I should ignore the drooling face in the window?)

"The place was busted because the owner's father had a brewery in the basement." (No problem - my grandmother had a meth lab in the bathroom.)

"The heating lamp in the bathroom needs attention." (No wonder your hair is on fire.)

"This was used as a grow house." (No wonder I have the munchies.)

"The four dogs next door seldom ever bark." (Then I will "seldom" ever use my tranquilizer darts.)

"The lights flicker and dim sometimes, but it's nothing to worry about." (Said the warden on Death Row.)

"It may be showing some wear and tear, but it's obviously not going anywhere." (Said the Captain of the Titanic.)

And now, the Sublime...

"A little baking soda will get rid of the smell." (But will it get rid of the sellers' bad taste?)

"The lime in the crawl space is to absorb moisture." (So what's with the hatchet and the duct tape, Lizzie Bordon?)

"The odor was from something that got trapped in the crawl space." (Is the listing agent missing?)

"Although it's filthy, they never had vermin." (Oh yeah...that explains the 14 morbidly obese cats.)

"The house isn't bolted, but it's very secure." (No problem -The buyer is with Indymac - they're very secure.)

"His score is low...but he's working on it." (My patience is low...so get outta my face.)

"That's a pine cone in the pool." (And I suppose that's lemonade in the toilet.)

"The cracks in the foundation are small." (So is our offer.)

"You should see the garden when it's lit." (You should see my uncle when he's lit...)

"Can I still get zero per cent financing?" (Let me explain the signs of mercury poisoning and its effects on the brain...)

"The soggy area above the septic tank is from the sprinklers" (Uh-huh, so why are you so full of crap?)

"All those steps will keep you in shape." (Then why are you carrying that defibrillator?)

"The pool leaks." (So does my Aunt Bea when she sneezes.)

"The lawn sprinklers don't work." (Then call Aunt Bea and ask her to sneeze.)

And Those Words We Hear Most Often:

"Can you reduce the size of your commission?" (About as easily as I can reduce the size of my butt.)

"It's been sitting for months with no activity!" (So did my Aunt Bea, when the neighbor stole her walker.)

"I know we've been looking at homes for a year, but we're backing out of escrow." (Fine. Now grab this frayed wire and touch your tongue to this metal pole and...)

Please visit me at http://www.lahomesite.com/. And thanks to my colleagues at Sotheby's International Realty and my friends at Coldwell Banker and Keller Williams for all your funny stories.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The Best Streets in Los Angeles - $$$!

If you'd like to know where and what the most desirable streets in L.A. are, check out this great report in the L.A. Times by Lauren Beale:

http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-hot-streets27-2010mar27,0,6734165.story

There is a high price for "Spectacular"!

Do you Tweet in order to establish your brand and promote your business? If you wnat more Tweet Power, check out this article from Tricia Anderson at Rismedia (o3/26/2010)

7 TIPS TO BRAND YOURSELF ON TWITTER

Marketing Messaging by Tricia Andreassen

RISMEDIA, March 26, 2010—There is a new wave of communication and lead generation opportunities in 2010, among them are social media platforms like Twitter. As one of the most prominent social networking platforms, Twitter is a great place to connect with people and give “tweets” of information about what is happening in your market. Twitter can also be the first place that people learn about who you are, what you do and why you are valuable to follow online.

With that in mind, think of Twitter as an extension of your business. Now, more than ever, it’s important to create a brand that helps your business stand out from the rest. You wouldn’t go to a networking function without business cards that include your company information, your phone number and a description of what you do, so make sure your Twitter account does. Consistency is the key when you are building and communicating your brand, no matter if it’s traditional advertising or new social media platforms.

Twitter even provides users the opportunity to brand themselves and their business. When signing up for Twitter, you are given the opportunity to use one of their template “skins” to showcase yourself or to create your own custom skin. By creating a custom branded Twitter skin you can showcase your own colors, your slogan or tag line and even your logo, further branding you and your business. With a custom Twitter skin that matches the branding of your business website, you are enhancing the probability that potential clients will remember you and your business.

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE

C.A.R. REPORTS ON CALIFORNIA HOME SALES AND PRICES

February sales and price report
For release:
Tuesday, March 23, 2010

C.A.R. reports February median price increased 14.1 percent; home sales decreased 11.7 percent

Quick Facts:
· Existing, single-family home sales decreased 11.7 percent in February to a seasonally adjusted rate
of 528,930 units on an annualized basis compared with February 2009.

· The statewide median price of an existing single-family home increased 14.1 percent in February to
$279,840, compared with February 2009.

· C.A.R.’s Unsold Inventory Index fell to 6.3 months in February, compared with 7.1 months in
February 2009.

LOS ANGELES (March 23) – Home sales decreased 11.7 percent in February in California compared with the same period a year ago, while the median price of an existing home rose 14.1 percent, the CALIFORNIA ASSOCIATION OF REALTORS® (C.A.R.) reported today.

“The federal tax credit for home buyers, low mortgage rates, and affordability at record levels have contributed to an unprecedented opportunity for many first-timers in the market for a home of their own,” said C.A.R. President Steve Goddard. “Although sales have declined from the unusually strong levels we experienced a year ago, they’ve remained above the 500,000 unit threshold for 18 consecutive months, while home prices continue to firm in the regions of the state most attractive to buyers taking advantage of today’s favorable market conditions.”

Closed escrow sales of existing, single-family detached homes in California totaled 528,930 in February at a seasonally adjusted annualized rate, according to information collected by C.A.R. from more than 90 local REALTOR® associations statewide. Statewide home resale activity decreased 11.7 percent from the revised 598,770 sales pace recorded in February 2009. Sales in February 2010 decreased 2.2 percent compared with the previous month.

The statewide sales figure represents what the total number of homes sold during 2010 would be if sales maintained the February pace throughout the year. It is adjusted to account for seasonal factors that typically influence home sales.

The median price of an existing, single-family detached home in California during February 2010 was $279,840, a 14.1 percent increase from the revised $245,230 median for February 2009, C.A.R. reported. The February 2010 median price decreased 2.4 percent compared with January’s $286,600 median price.

“Sales of distressed properties to investors and first-time buyers continued to drive the market in February, although at a lesser rate than a year ago,” said C.A.R. Vice President and Chief Economist Leslie Appleton-Young. “Supply continues to lag demand at the more affordable end of the market, with a 3.9 month supply of homes for sales priced below $300,000, compared with the long-run average of more than seven months. This contrasts sharply with the nearly 15-month supply of homes for sales priced at $1 million or more at the upper end of the market.”

Highlights of C.A.R.’s resale housing figures for February 2010:

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE:

Real Estate Humor: Could You sell This Turkey?

Attention all salespersons: It’s time to take a test to determine how good a salesperson you really are. Could you sell a house that’s a 10 on the Suckometer? If you get all the answers right, you will receive a can of Spam. Or not…

1. The house is devoid of natural light, so you: a) turn on all the lights b) pass out BIC lighters and tell everyone U2 might drop by c) install the disco ball light you won playing Bingo in 1972 and yell, ”Let’s get down!”

2. The house lacks color, so you: a) bring in greenery from the yard to brighten the room b) give a vacation slide show on the living room wall, or c) place a green leprechaun in the corner and paint his lips hooker red

3. There is an unsightly hole in the wall next to the couch, and thus you: a) suggest that the prospective buyer ask for credit or repair b) push the Lazy Boy (the chair, not your teenage kid) in front of the hole or c) stuff the leprechaun into the hole and tell him to stifle it.

4. You forgot to print the ever-so-important hand out materials, so you: a) distribute your business cards b) distribute the seller’s Playboy magazines c) distribute your S.A.G. resume and headshots, which any good L.A. agent always keeps in his trunk

5. The view is by far the only nice thing about the house, so you: a) set up the refreshment table on the patio to lead visitors outside b) put police tape over the doors of all the ugly rooms, or c) pass out binoculars and tell everyone there’s a naked couple in the pool down the hill.

6. There is mold on the bathroom wall, so you: a) disclose it and suggest that the buyer ask for credit or abatement b) bring in the neighbor’s kids to paint a mural around it or c) explain to the prospective buyer that it is holistic Velcro wallpaper

7. You forgot your portable CD player to assist in creating the perfect ambience, so you: a) Ask the seller permission to use the stereo b) invite visitors to your car to listen to your commercial voice tape or c) make the leprechaun sing, “Oh Danny Boy” (from his hole in the wall, of course)

8. Knowing that scent is a powerful sales tool you: a) heat brownies in the oven during the open house b) smoke a cigar so everyone can enjoy the rich tobacco aroma or c) slap a fish on the burner and set some cheese aflame

9. Beverages are important of course, so you: a) bring a selection of designer water, tea, coffee and punch b) offer everyone a swig of joe from your Home Depot thermos, or c) lace the punch with vodka so everyone will stop asking about the leprechaun stuck in the wall

10. (FOR THE GRAND FINALE, PLEASE CLICK HERE) OR VISIT

WWW.SHERLOCKOFHOMES.COM

"Marble Floor - Great for Clogging" - MLS Laughs

Beware all agents: My loyal spies and I are watching everything you put in print. Why? Because real estate ads can be more fun than a whoopee cushion! We found another batch of blatant bloopers that will set February into full swing. Here we go again - jump onto the MLS Malapropism Merry-go-round and enjoy the ride:

The Demise of Webster and Roget

"House near Malibu Whinery" (Buy a bunk near the Drunk n Funk)

"Bambo floors" (Bimbo Agent)

"Paneling made of imported Europein wood" (If you're a peein,' Ima leavin'.')

"Delicious abbatizers served" (Cue the Abba music: "You are the dancing queen...")

"A real diamond in the rust." (...And a water intrusion problem, it seems.)

"New flushing installed in back for drainage." (I believe that's called an outhouse.)

How am I Doing Now?

"After stop at Sixes Tavern, turn left, then right, cross tracks and wind uphill." (This must be the sobriety test AFTER the stop at Sixes Tavern.)

"Chandeleer & other fizures stay" (Home for sale in prime San Andreas Estates)

"Ranch with beautiful hillslide view" (Welcome to Avalanche Ranch)

"Property line goes to last swill" (Agent apparently does also.)

"House on pile ons" (Must be near the ranch with the hillslide view.)

"Near Beverly Hills Hortel" (Enough said.)

Too Much Information, Bozo

"Please don't ask seller about the hole in the wall." (And shall I also ignore the arrow in his forehead?)

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE:

A GLITCH IN THE PITCH

If you thought the MLS was full of color and confusion, check out these gems from area newspapers and online real estate sites. Is there a glitch in YOUR pitch?

For Those Who Want Only the Best

"Must see this germ to believe it!" (...said the agent with infectious enthusiasm.)

"Five bedrooms great for parties (Offered by The King of Swing)

"New drips in gardenr" (Penicillin will do the killin.")

"Please remove shoes before woking on carpet." (A stir-fry buy.)

"Let's make deal and celibate." (This must be a nunnery with no funnery.)

"Minimalist design w/ sleek lines. Even your fuzziest buyers will love it."(Let me guess...a hamster wheel?)

Don't Count on Multiple Offers...

"Big closet and another area for hanging." (Presenting the Benedict Arnold Suite. )

"Stable area. Avoid sink hole on Laurel." (Avoid morons who use oxymorons.)

"Cervical driveway accommodates 4 cars." (I think there's a surgery for that.)

"Top of the loin appliances" (Ahhh...so it has built in plumbing?)

THE BEST IS YET TO COME - PLEASE CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE:

The Madcap MLS!

Well folks, we have started off the New Year with a bang...or is it a bong? The MLS and the Real Estate ads are teeming with hilarious misspellings and bizarre descriptions. I suspect we will have a year full of delicious faux pas. (I suppose that would that be written as Fox Paws in MLS-speak.) Please enjoy:

SALES PITCHES RUN AMUCK:

"Kitchen with trash contractor" (For those who want to buy a dump...)

"Wine seller in basement" (Does anyone know he's missing?)

"Must submit proof of funs" (How ‘bout a photo of me on a ferris wheel?)

"Status reneged daily" (Please s__t or get off the pot...)

"Dank hardwood floors thrugout" (Offered by Smelly McSpelly)

"Full frontal and back landscaping" (Calling Dr. Freud...)

"Gracias living space" (Ole'!)

"244 hr notice required - Hurry - will go fast!" (Frankly, I think it's going nowhere.)

KINKY AND STINKY

"Stunning hurse ranch" (We wrangle the dead)

"Canceled - seller says small gas problem" (It's only small when you're not on the receiving end, pal.)

"Master dick overlooks fountain" (OMG - even I won't go there!)

"Tandem area - bedroom option" (How kinky-dink!)

"Large kitchen offers fever views" (Starve a fever, feed a cold.)

"You'll be peasantly surprised" (So was Marie Antoinette...)

"Only beast materials used" (Note to self: "Call PETA and keep my dog close.)

"Two story turkey home" (That's called a poultry farm, bozo...)

"Call for HO and assessment info" (Or just cruise down Hollywood Blvd....)

AND THEY JUST KEEP COMING...

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE

DOG BITES AGENT: DOG TREATED FOR POISONING

Real estate agents have gotten a dirty rap lately. We are rated right up there with psoriasis and Bernie Madoff. Sure, we have some snarky specimens lurking amongst us, but can't that be said of every profession? I decided to make a Warning Signs list of whom to avoid in real estate. Of course, this is Gwen's TGIF list...but what else would you expect from me? Here you go, Agents, Sellers and Buyers - an equal-opportunity help guide to the perfect real estate relationship:

First for the Buyers and Sellers: Never Hire an AGENT Who:

1) Greets you with his right hand, while vigorously adjusting his crotch with his left.
2) Has a coaster protruding from his shirt pocket that says Bury Me at the Lush Lounge
3) Looks at your house and says, "You need to put some lipstick on this pig."
4) Sits on your dog...and enjoys the experience.
5) Removes his sock and uses it to polish his bald spot
6) Says you look like his old cellmate from county lock-up...who was "a hottie."
7) Tells you you look like Golda Meir..."who was a hottie"
8) Continuously asks your lamp, "Whatdya say?"
9) Talks like Julia Child and brags about his Star Jones wig collection
10) Says "I never miss a detail, Betty," ...and your name is Sue

And for the Agents: Never Work With a BUYER Who:

1) Brags that his FICO scores are lower than his double digit IQ
2)...For More DOG BITES AGENT, please click here

What'd You Say, Willis???

It's difficult being an internet moron. I should know. I am always amazed when tech geniuses speak freely in another language that involves pings, tracking, SEO's and a list of other words that baffle me. I am a fossil - a writer who was told I could write if I blog. Heck, I can barely type, so diving into Word Press and Flickr was about as easy for me as getting a sex change. Before my maiden voyage, I thought "blog" was a state of physical distress caused by too much salt on my margaritas. So here I am, in a world gone mad with technology and new phrases, with no translator.

There must be other morons like me out there. Hello? Are you there? Buck up and admit you are as dense as I am! On behalf of all of us internet-challenged relics, I am herein providing a vocabulary of words as we know them, so that maybe those Geniuses will understand that they must communicate to some of us through our own portal (whatever that is.) Here it is folks - straight off the Rosetta stone - Vocabulary of the Internet Clueless:

Website - Vision after 45 (Or after a Colt 45)

Tags - Fleshy outcroppings that should be lopped off

SEO - Serious Estrogen Overload (Not limited to Pamela Anderson...or Clay Aiken)

Upload - A high colonic

Download - The aftermath of too many burritos

Portal - Location of a Download

Search Engine - A drill performed by those idiots who lost that fire truck in Iowa

Twitter - PeeWee Herman on Red Bull

Flash Drive - Britney on Hollywood Blvd.

Tweet - "Sweet" - as pronounced in West Hollywood (and by Clay Aiken)

Active Rain - A serious incontinence problem

FOR MORE TRANSLATIONS FOR THE INTERNET CHALLENGED, PLEASE CLICK HERE:

Hi Everyone,

Last week I blogged about the ridiculous comments often heard in real estate. Well, one of my loyal readers, Joe Loomer, a humorist and great Agent Genius contributor, had a delightful idea: Outrageous Remarks Made by Agents About Their Clients. I did a quick survey, and here are a few hilarious remarks my fellow agents claim to have heard (no one will admit to saying them, of course):

Ten People Shouldn't Share One Brain

"I told her this was Exclusive Agency, and she said she was already under contract to Creative Artists." (So that's why you submitted a head shot with the offer!)

"The place looks like Oz - the seller let his estranged wife do the decorating." (So who did he hire as his divorce attorney - Gloria Allred?)

"My buyer needs to buy a place for himself and his girlfriend. He doesn't want his wife to know." (Does he need a good decorator?)

"The seller told me he and his wife had sex on the new granite counter top." (Great - I'm sure my buyers will find butt prints very appetizing.)

"My seller is afraid that the Wonderland murder house, which is two doors down, will discourage your buyers." (Nah - this is L.A. - they'll lie down in front of the house and take photos for Mom.)

"My buyer loves the Carole Lombard Estate...he wants to know if she was related to Vince Lombardi?" ( Yes, and Shaq and Ryan are brothers, nitwit.)

"The seller said he's throwing in his wife's Porche as a bonus." (...No doubt she'll be throwing in a Lorena Bobbit bonus .)

"My seller thinks your buyer is trying to screw her." (Does she have granite countertops?)

"The seller said his mother-in-law had a heart attack and died in the outdoor Jacuzzi."

(Remember these words: Drag and Roll, Drag and Roll, Drag and Roll.)

AND THEY GET BETTER..FOR MORE OUTRAGEOUS COMMENTS, PLEASE CLICK HERE

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

Recently I have heard some hilarious tales of wild animal capers at open house events. Many of these anecdotes come from my agent friends in Lake Arrowhead. And you thought YOU had problems...
Easy Rider
I'm told there are bear travel routes at Lake Arrowhead. I'm not sure if there are biker bars for the critters to hang out and knock back brewskis, but the routes are detours created by the animals themselves as they cruise around the mountains. As a result, there are many bear sightings in the area.
An agent I know was with a client when they parked at the cabin she had just listed. As they approached the porch, they glanced at the pickup truck parked in the driveway and were delighted to see a baby bear asleep in the flatbed.
They observed the little guy for a short time, ooh-ing and ah-ing and discussing whom to call. Duh. Suddenly the answer came to them...in the form of a shadow the size of the Statue of Liberty. Paralyzed with fear, they tried not to move a muscle. Finally, when the words "main course" permeated their individual skulls, they turned on cue and walked slo-o-o-ly to the front porch. They managed to get inside without losing any limbs, but not before the frantic client had wet her pants. After the bears eventually left, the hapless women departed. The agent was shaking uncontrollably, and the client had to sit on a towel all the way home.
(Moral of the story: Ya' know how you just want to pick up a little bear and cuddle it? Well Mama Bear wants to cuddle you, too...and then crack your head open, rip out your eyeballs with claws the size of hedge clippers, and then suck the meat off your skinny little flailing legs...accompanied by a fine Pinot Noir of course. So avoid even baby bears, fool!)
Bears Need To Relax, Too
One agent had seen bears in the area of his listing and had dutifully informed his clients. While preparing for Brokers Open, he set a bag of dog food on the back porch in his efforts to tidy the kitchen. Halfway through caravan, there was pandemonium in the back forty. When he and several agents ran outside to investigate the chaos, they saw the dog food scattered everywhere.
As the agent stooped to retrieve the bag, he looked across the yard. To his shock, a brown bear was splashing lazily in the spa right under the hand-crafted "Don't Piss In Pool " sign. The group high-tailed it inside, barricaded the doors, and armed themselves with whatever they could grab. The agent had to scream out the window at any latecomers, warning them to get outta Dodge, while everyone already there remained holed up in the house until animal control arrived.
When Animal Control finally burst in, they admonished the agent for a lapse in judgement, but only after they had a good laugh. It seems that one guy was brandishing a fireplace poker as a weapon, and the listing agent was armed with a lovely umbrella. The agent was very embarrassed, but the worst insult was the floater left in the spa by the annoyed bear.
(Moral of the story: If you are on a bear route, never place Dog Food outside unless the bears on your route are Harvard grads and can read the words "Dog Food," and "Don't Piss in Pool." Less educated bears may think the sign says "After enjoying the bear bidet...please help yourself to the squealing agents huddled inside and screaming like girly-men.")
Let's Not Forget the Raccoons
This story was enough to make me stop serving food outside. An agent had set up a lovely luncheon at a house near the lake. Out of nowhere, there was a blur of action on the hillside. A raccoon scampered down the hill, a barking dog with a beer belly close at it's heals. The raccoon ran around the trash bins and then took shelter in a tight space behind the pool equipment. The determined dog apparently had gone to a Tony Robbins seminar and did not know the meaning of giving up. He did everything possible to get the raccoon to expose himself (so to speak). However, the wily raccoon, while less educated, had street smarts and was waiting for his posse to show up and ice the dog.
Enter the agent. Upset by the ear-splitting chaos, the agent grabbed a utensil and a metal dish and created a cacophony of noise, hoping to scare off the intruders. It worked. Sort of. The raccoon screeched, tore out of his hiding place, and for a split second in time, he stared down the source of the mind-numbing noise. Finally he headed for elevation...the luncheon table being the nearest high spot. The portly dog was too fat to jump onto the table, so he tried to claw his way up the table cloth. The agent, frantically banging her bowl, watched helplessly as inch by inch the entire spread headed south in slow motion. The food explosion was followed immediately by the sound of the table collapsing. The last she saw of the quiche-covered dog or the crazed raccoon was a departing blur back up the hillside. She gave up and threw the bowl in disgust before collapsing in tears.
(Moral to the Story: If you're going to Bang a Gong, know your audience, Wang Chung!)
And This One is For The Birds
Picture a lovely summer day in California. French doors were open wide, flowers were in bloom, and the agent was preparing for the first Public Open House. Suddenly a Blue Jay flew into the living room and became disoriented. Confused and frazzled, the feathered intruder attempted to fly out via the skylights. After being thwarted in its numerous attempts to escape, the bird landed on a beam to rest. The agent, also confused and frazzled, decided to deal with the party crasher after the open house was over.
Enter the public. As the agent showed the house and gave her pitch, a menacing kid turned on a screeching musical toy that set off the downfall of society. The bird, already confused and excited, began to circle overhead frantically seeking an exit. As the voices of the startled group melded into a chorus of screams, the bird responded back in kind...by crapping all over the well-appointed living room. The more the visitors screamed, the more the bird emptied the contents of his well-stocked bowels. By the time the agent managed to herd everyone out, the seller's furniture was upholstered in cottage cheese. The bird remained for several hours more, no doubt taking photos and texting his friends.
(Moral of the Story: If a bird crashes your party, call the wily raccoon to chase the feathered interloper outside. Then call the dog in as an enforcer to offer the raccoon a deal he can't refuse. Then hire the bear to scare the beejeesus out of the wiseguy dog. Then call animal control to drag the bear away after he uses your spa as a bidet, but before he gets out his dining utensils and slaps you onto a plate. After that, call all the agents who called you "fool" and invite them to a party in the spa...and leave the floater.)
And a Short One For the Road
Did you hear about the German Shepherd who knocked down the agent's tent sign and relieved himself all over it as the caravan was arriving? I actually witnessed the performance...and the two curtain calls.
(Moral of the Story: It seems everyone is a critic. Go do the same thing in his bowl - that will teach him to be a bit less judgmental next time.)
Thank you, Lake Arrowhead!

BLUNDERS & BLADDERS - THE FUNNY SIDE OF REAL ESTATE

Disasters in Un-Real Estate: (For the public as well as agents - you'll all enjoy these stories)
Have you ever had anything go awry at an Open House? C’mon – tell the truth – I can’t be the only one who has made some memorable blunders. I’ve decided to share some of the more bizarre stories I’ve heard just so we can all feel a bit less foolish about our own mistakes…unless you recognize yourself below. In that case, I can’t help you, pal…
A Rubber Nose Would Have Sufficed
Did you hear about the realtor in Hancock Park who hired a clown? It might have been a good idea if the clown hadn’t been celebrating St. Patrick’s Day before his spectacular arrival, which involved parking his clown car on the curb and victimizing a street lamp. After crawling out of the pile of shrapnel, his first stunt was to sing “I’m a Little Tea Pot” while peeing all over the bushes. The poor kids were scared out of their Crocs when, after christening the bushes, the singing tippler fell head first into the ammonia-fragrant foliage. Prospective buyers and their agents continued to arrive as the clown tried to re-attach his rainbow wig and rubber nose. Suddenly the listing agent appeared from the side yard, dragging a rubber hose with her and hell-bent for revenge. To the kids’ delight, she hosed the clown until he ran away, leaving his pathetic car shrinking on the curb in a pile of shame. (Moral of the story: Always keep a hose available in case someone whips theirs out.)
Crimes and Crackpots
A colleague of mine arrived at an open house right about the same time the listing agent was arriving. They walked through the house together and then stopped in their tracks when they spotted yellow Police Crime Scene tape roping off the door to the bedroom. Backing out as fast as they could, they exited through the back door. To their horror, they discovered a chalk outline of a person at the bottom of the drained pool. While the agent frantically tried to reach the seller on her cell phone, they heard laughter from the side yard. As they rounded the corner of the house, they came upon the seller’s fourteen year-old-son and his friend, who were snapping photos and laughing hysterically at their devious prank. (Moral of the Story: It’s a good idea to arrive early to remove all signs of death at your Open House. Homicide is not a big seller.)
Short Takes:
“Your Neighborho Specialist Invites You to a Holiday Open House.” (Yay - even ho's have holiday spirit!)
“Open House - Easter Egg Hunt, Drinks and Ham Salad Sandwiches served. House located just East of Beth Israel Temple.” (Moral: Know your neighborhood… or call your "Neighborho" Specialist.)
Fertilize and Amortize
One clever agent decided to offer pony rides for the kids during his Memorial Day open house in Beverly Hills. Unfortunately, the pony had the trots (in every way imaginable) and fertilized the lawn with gusto. Several hours later, the seller returned to discover a lawn that looked like an explosion in Hershey, Pennsylvania. (Moral of the Story: Keep Pepto Bismol on hand for all occasions. And get the phone number of the agent with the hose. )
Short Takes:
1) The open house where the balloon guy and the agent were talking to prospective buyers with helium-induced, munchkin voices.
2) The open house where, when the agent arrived, he discovered a naked guy in the kitchen chugging a brewski. (Moral: It could have been worse: The naked guy could have been singing “I’m a Little Teapot” in a munchkin voice and wearing a rainbow wig while peeing into his brewski, and the agent and the balloon guy could have been naked…juggling Easter eggs while riding a dyspeptic pony. Hey, this is Los Angeles - we’ve seen it all! )
Always Check the Beds
A friend told me about an open house she was giving where she arrived to discover a blow-up doll in the teenager’s bed. She struggled to shove it under the bed, but the recalcitrant limbs kept popping back out. She couldn’t think of where to put it so it would go unnoticed. Finally she dragged the doll to the front porch, placed it in a lawn chair, and then piled an afghan and the listing sheets onto the doll’s lap. The doll slowly deflated in the hot sun, so by the time the open house ended, it looked like grandma had expired on the porch. Nonetheless, the Open House visitors loved it, and they all wanted to know who the “agent” on the porch was. (Moral of the story: Carry sharp pins wherever you go, or at least a referral agreement in case Grandma claims Procuring Cause.)
Short Take
The pregnant agent who hung pale yellow balloons all over the porch for her open house. When they deflated, they looked like condoms. (Moral: Condoms Do Not Always Prevent Pregnancy)
So Who’s the Dip Here Anyway?
At one Open House an agent served homemade salmon dip, which was always a favorite with her guests. As expected, the visitors scooped it up with crackers, enjoying the flavor. Out of curiosity, one agent asked what the ingredient was that was so chewy. My friend, somewhat perplexed, tasted the dip, and indeed it seemed “chewy.” A bit baffled, she shrugged it off and continued with the business at hand. She returned home that evening and was cleaning the blender she had used for prep when her jaw dropped open. There in the bottom of the kitchen sink was half of a rubber spatula. (Moral of the story: Chewy salmon dip and pony excrement have a lot in common: they both stink, and neither belongs at an open house!)
Good luck out there!