How To Lose Your Pants With a Smile

Ah, yes, folks - it was a great 4th with sunshine, bar-be-ques, brewskies, and enough grammar and spelling pandemonium on the MLS to set off fireworks. These are the best of the bunch - a metaphorical fireworks grand finale, full of shock and awe!

Hold Onto Your Shorts!

"Include Shorts in clean Package" (Hey pervert sniffer-boy, get your own skivvies!)

"Shunny new kichen with barr" ( Shomeone's shnockered on schnapps...)

"Pool with sin deck - very nice!" (Uh, methinks a pool with sin deck is considered VICE.)

"Will look at offers from non-prophets first" (Oh, honey, you must sell real estate in Malibu...)

"Near park with many haking trails" (Calling Lizzie Borden...your hatchet is ready.)

"New restraining wall" (Believe me...I'm restraining myself now!)

It Always Leads Back to Jersey...

"Cooler comes with house" (Uh, if this is the Jersey hitman kind of cooler, then we've finally located uncle Vito.)

"New Homeowners Assascionation" (Hey Uncle Vito, business must be booming!)

"Leaded gass in lawyer's library stays" (Yeah, that smell does tend to linger...)

"State o f art alarm" (Is it hooked up in the Lawyer's Library?)

"Murial on wall in dining area" (Murial's husband in San Quentin doing One Hundred to Life...with Uncle Vito's driver.)

"Nice new gym with custom pain" (No pain, no gain, right Vito?)

"Building has good HO" (Gre-a-a-t...everyone loves a hooker with a heart.)

FOR THE GRAND FINALE, PLEASE CLICK HERE!

"Marble Floor - Great for Clogging" - MLS Laughs

Beware all agents: My loyal spies and I are watching everything you put in print. Why? Because real estate ads can be more fun than a whoopee cushion! We found another batch of blatant bloopers that will set February into full swing. Here we go again - jump onto the MLS Malapropism Merry-go-round and enjoy the ride:

The Demise of Webster and Roget

"House near Malibu Whinery" (Buy a bunk near the Drunk n Funk)

"Bambo floors" (Bimbo Agent)

"Paneling made of imported Europein wood" (If you're a peein,' Ima leavin'.')

"Delicious abbatizers served" (Cue the Abba music: "You are the dancing queen...")

"A real diamond in the rust." (...And a water intrusion problem, it seems.)

"New flushing installed in back for drainage." (I believe that's called an outhouse.)

How am I Doing Now?

"After stop at Sixes Tavern, turn left, then right, cross tracks and wind uphill." (This must be the sobriety test AFTER the stop at Sixes Tavern.)

"Chandeleer & other fizures stay" (Home for sale in prime San Andreas Estates)

"Ranch with beautiful hillslide view" (Welcome to Avalanche Ranch)

"Property line goes to last swill" (Agent apparently does also.)

"House on pile ons" (Must be near the ranch with the hillslide view.)

"Near Beverly Hills Hortel" (Enough said.)

Too Much Information, Bozo

"Please don't ask seller about the hole in the wall." (And shall I also ignore the arrow in his forehead?)

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE:

DOG BITES AGENT: DOG TREATED FOR POISONING

Real estate agents have gotten a dirty rap lately. We are rated right up there with psoriasis and Bernie Madoff. Sure, we have some snarky specimens lurking amongst us, but can't that be said of every profession? I decided to make a Warning Signs list of whom to avoid in real estate. Of course, this is Gwen's TGIF list...but what else would you expect from me? Here you go, Agents, Sellers and Buyers - an equal-opportunity help guide to the perfect real estate relationship:

First for the Buyers and Sellers: Never Hire an AGENT Who:

1) Greets you with his right hand, while vigorously adjusting his crotch with his left.
2) Has a coaster protruding from his shirt pocket that says Bury Me at the Lush Lounge
3) Looks at your house and says, "You need to put some lipstick on this pig."
4) Sits on your dog...and enjoys the experience.
5) Removes his sock and uses it to polish his bald spot
6) Says you look like his old cellmate from county lock-up...who was "a hottie."
7) Tells you you look like Golda Meir..."who was a hottie"
8) Continuously asks your lamp, "Whatdya say?"
9) Talks like Julia Child and brags about his Star Jones wig collection
10) Says "I never miss a detail, Betty," ...and your name is Sue

And for the Agents: Never Work With a BUYER Who:

1) Brags that his FICO scores are lower than his double digit IQ
2)...For More DOG BITES AGENT, please click here