Trash Talkin' on the MLS

The Blooper Scooper is back, folks, and this week's picks demonstrate the beauty of the written turd. Uh, word. Check out these absurdities if you want a few laughs:

Expect the Unexpected

"Please compact me" (Last words of Jimmy Hoffa)
"Good desin" (So the exorcism was a success?)
"Fax or bail docs" (If I bail out a doc, can I get a free colonoscopy?)
"House with colorful accent" (Must be an Italian villa...)
"Watch the sun set over the buffs" (Gold's Gym must be up for sale.)

When Ordinary Just Won't Do

"Showing Tim - 1:00 pm" (Does Tim have something to brag about?)
"Widow shudders" (Because an idiot just walked into the room?)
"Coffin ceilings" (Perfect for an agent who is already DOA.)
"One car grudge" (Kia owner, I presume?)
"Ranch w/ 2 dunk houses" (When a coffee cup just won't satisfy your donut...)

One Toke Over The Line

"Drop in sot" (Description under Uncle Paddy's photo at Chuck-a-Jug.)
"Lick your own pants" (Recommended when you slosh your martini. )
"Designer saint" (Vera Wang before she left the convent...)

Typo of the Year:

"Wonderfuk house" (Uh, I think that's only legal in Nevada!)

That's it until next week, friends. In the meantime, be sure to visit https://www.gwen.banta.com for all your real estate needs.

The MLS Circus (Real Estate Humor)

There was a spelling circus on the MLS this week, friends. My friend from Active Rain, Kim McMahon, sent us a beauty from Chicago and colleague Marco Giancola from Ft. Lauderdale found a side-splitter. Enjoy the performance!
Under the Big Top
“Buy or tent” (Offered by Ringling Brothers Realty.)
"Foot served" (How does the other one taste?)
“Not hare Wedsday” (…But you’re a jackass today.)
“Near school an liberry” (…Then I suggest you check them out, you fruit cup.)
“Two car detected garage” (Half-brain detected on agent)
“A lot of guests parking” (This must be an L.A. rehab.)
Bring in the Clowns
“Buy now – beet rush” (Thank you for the vegetable update, potato head.)
“Central vacumme” (Perhaps you are describing your cranium?)
“This is a good by” (I suggest you say that to your career.)
“Don’t piss this one up” (That’s what I did in my pants when I read this.)
“You can’t top this house” (Have you tried calling a roofer?)
Now On The High Wire…
“Buy while interest is so low” (That’s doesn’t say much for your listing, pal.)
“Newly stagged” (Another divorce in Hollywood…)
“Nice valoo” (Is that served with chicken tandoori?)
“Tenant occupied, don’t get off in front yard” (Excuuuse me? Is this the home of Jenna Jameson?)
The Big Finale
Thanks to Kim for this Egregious Gaffe:
“VINAGE 18 units… Newr boiler porches… north of ravenswood brown line tain & short walk to river park, tuckpoint bsmt…
(Hello? Hellooo??? You with the drool on your chin - COME BACK – DON’T GO INTO THE LIGHT!!!)

For real estate listings and information, please visit me at www.LAHomesite.com

Listings with No Lick of Sense (Real Estate Humor)

There was a lot of spit-shining needed on the MLS and in local ads this week. It seems a lot of people cannot spell in our native tongue. Thanks to my colleague, Jane Peters, for her great contribution. Take a lick, uh, ”look” at these:

Lapping It Up

“Be sure to lick up” (Rent a pack of jackals, pal – this tongue ain’t for rent!)

“Awe-inspiting views” (That’s great if you’re sitting in a dental chair.)

“Look websight for time” (One look says Happy Hour in your office has already started.)

“EZ access-God direct” (When you see Him, tell Him He forgot to give you a spelling gene.)

“Leave cad” (Too late – I divorced him.)

“Nice bird sanitary” (Sure…until they unload on your thick skull.)

Key to Success? Not!

“Don’t tak key coz I’ll know who” (What will you do – beat me to death with your sixth grade diploma?)

“Seller said really want to be close” (…same thing Arnold said to his housekeeper.)

“Laundrey in grarage” (…which is where you should park your license.)

"Big commas accent porch” (…big question mark accents your career.)

“Must apply for loan fist” (Call my Uncle Vito “The Vice” - he’s the local loan fist back in Jersey.)

“Call tanks” (…great suggestion for L.A. rush hour.)

Question (on Trulia):

“Wat middle school to send my drauather”

Answer: Dear Marshmallow Brain, My first piece of advice is: CERTAINLY NOT THE SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED! My second piece of advice is: Do not smoke a bowl and then type – the results will be distrasterass. My third piece of advice: SURE AS HELL NOT THE SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED!

My Pick of the Week:

“Will be nice if bend over” (Offered by Hollywood Casting Couch Realty.)

Death By Blogging

Okay, all you blogging animals - isn't anyone out there as exhausted from all the blogging "how-to's and must-do's" as I? I have become a bleary-eyed recluse. My computer should be buying me dinner, as it gets more action in one day than I have had in a decade!

I have blood-shot eyes and a back porch spread that makes my jeans scream in protest. My fingers are cramped and my shoulders have given way to a permanent slump. If I could turn my stiff neck, I'd probably be greeted by a dowager's hump named Gertrude. I have to ask myself: "Shouldn't I be out pressing the flesh rather than growing it?" When I cuddle up to my computer, does it really whisper sweet nothings, or is that just the wheezing from my under-used lungs? Perhaps that's just the sound of Gertrude admonishing me for my lack of interaction with anything that breathes.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Are my cyberspace friends going to rush over here to my Blog Bog and place a damp cloth to my brow when I finally fall face forward onto my keyboard? Does anyone give a rat's a__ that I moved up a notch on my points ladder this week? Am I the only person who is overwhelmed by the pressures of today's non-social networking expectations? ...Or is it simply that my last martini finally kicked in?

Does anyone else have Blogger's Blues?

Looking for homes in Los Angeles and the surrounding areas? Please visit me at www.LAhomesite.com

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Modification Woes (Some Things Are Worth Repeating)

I don't know about you, but I am on the verge of a breakdown. Why? Because I am so frustrated with the lending institutions that I have developed a drool, a twitch, and a wicked rash. I truly think the lending institutions are hindering our economic recovery. The bailout money has not translated into increased sales as far as I can see.

What I do see is a lot of bank execs with spray-on tans, new hair weaves, and fake-tooth smiles that gleam like tombstones in the California sun. Due to the drop in home values, refinancing odds are worse than the odds that Snooki will drop off the radar; and modifications are as challenging as navigating the L.A. freeways on a skateboard while wearing a blindfold.

I have observed that there is double speak in all bank dealings. Thus, I think it would be helpful to have a translation guide to understand the dubious promises being made daily by these Not-Lending institutions. Does anyone remember Jon Lovitz on Saturday Night Live ("I slept with Morgan Fairchild)? Well, Jon, I'd believe your imaginative claim before I'd believe some of the following promises (all of which I have actually heard):
For Those Just Off the Turnip Truck
* "Qualified buyers can still get a loan." (Translation: "Don't forget to rip out your kidney and staple it to your application.")
* "After you submit your loan mod package, we will reply in 30 days." (Translation: "We will mutter, ‘Hell, No, Dude' to a donut somewhere on the opposite coast, and then we will use your file as a foot stool. You have about as much chance of hearing from us as from Amelia Earhart.")
* "We have your application in our files." (Translation: "We threw your paperwork into Modification Missy's trunk. She's on her way to Vegas, but she'll get to it soon. Oh wait, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas'...and so will Missy. She's not coming back...and neither is your file. Next!")
* "We require a complete modification or short sale package." (Translation: "We require three packages - one for the shredder, another one to be left on a desk so someone can steal your pathetic identity, and one to be erroneously sent to the Foreclosure Department.")
* "We are the fastest in turnaround when you need a modification." (Translation: "Underwriter Earl (Missy's cubicle mate) will slip into his sparkling red pumps, click his heels and say, "There's no place like home, but you sure as hell ain't keepin' yours, honey!")
* "We sympathize with your situation." (Translation: "HaHaHaHaHa. Grow a set.")
* "Your file is in the hands of experts who have experience in navigating rough waters." (Translation: "Our trained negotiators were formally pirates in the Carribbean, and your ship is about to be seized.")
* "This short sale will close about thirty days after approval." (Translation: "This short sale will close about thirty days after Peter Minuit returns Manhattan Island to the Indians.")
What Happens in Banking Stays in Banking
* "All we need is one more document to complete the file." (Translation: "All we need is your remaining kidney. We lost the first one. It was last seen in Missy's trunk.")
* "We are here to help those who are struggling to pay their mortgages." (Translation: "Files of those who have stopped paying will be expedited because our values are backasswards. Thus, we encourage all applicants to blow their credit ratings, beg, and then bail.)
* "You can get your loan modified, but you cannot miss one trial payment." (Translation: "Although you cannot pay, we will string you along for as much time as we can in order to get your retirement money, and then we'll seize your home and kick grandma to the curb. Incidentally, does Granny still have her kidneys?")
* "Trial Payments are for a maximum of three months." (Translation: "Then we call them "String" payments, because we string you along until you are ready to string yourself from a tree limb. In the meantime, we will be doing the limbo to see how low we can go.")
* "The computer has given us a loan approval based on the appraisal." (Translation: "Of course, Appraisal Reviewer Rita may lower the value of the appraisal even if it comes it at value, because she must account for dismal market conditions - for which we were largely responsible and continue to be largely responsible - and because Rita must cover her arse to keep her job because she just purchased your unemployed, disabled neighbor's foreclosed home while the neighbor's sobbing children clung to her fat ankles.")
* "In order to complete this short sale, you need to contribute cash." (Translation: "Although you're losing your 20% down payment, and you lost your job and all your savings, why can't you rip the braces off the kids' teeth and sell them for scrap metal? C'mon - work with us here!")
* "I'll get back to you tomorrow." (Translation: "You'll never find me again. If you call back, you'll just get someone else who has been working here for five minutes. You will have to start all over again. You will have to tell your story to fifty more screeners and submit three more short sale packages. You will develop another tick before this is all over...and maybe even Tourette syndrome. Now excuse me, I'm on my way to Vegas with Missy, Earl and Rita...and one of your kidneys.")

"Send beds to listing agent" - Are You Asleep at the Keyboard?

We may have just taken a holiday, but there certainly was no holiday from real estate bloopers on the MLS, as well as on the web and in local ads. Georgina Hunter from beautiful Maui found a lovely blooper this week involving valves, Bruce Walter sent some great gaffes from Indiana, and Fred Glick from Philadelphia is back with Fred's Follies: Stupid Real Estate Questions From the Web. Wende Schoof from San Francisco and Jane Peters from Los Angeles also found some doozies. Please enjoy:
Pardon me?
"Send beds to listing agent" (Why bother - you're already asleep on the job.)
"Tediously maintained grounds" (Offered by Hoe-n-Hernia Realty)
"Brand New - Crowning soon" (I suggest you call your obstetrician.)
"Blank approval required" (Then look in the mirror, pal.)
"Additional guess house" (The only guess is how you got your license.)
"Sinkin living room" (Sunken career.)
"Nice Interior shed" (Lovely - an in-house outhouse designed by Jethro Clampett , your local indoor plumbing specialist.)
You've Got To be Kidding
"We can fiance you" (Good luck with that - I can't even get a date.)
"New lower pride" (I hear ya, pal. In this economy, I'd sell a skating rink to a legless corpse if I could get a signature.)
"New Pool for Sumner" (If you're referring to Sumner Redstone, he needs a new pool like I need crotch itch.)
"Nice house in Inland Umpire" (Hey, Abbott and Costello - "Who's on first?")
"Approved building plans... a $10,000 valve" (Either this is a house in the middle of Hoover Dam, or Dr Michael DeBakey is back from the dead.)
Fred's Follies (Question from Trulia)
Question: "i am realtor i was wandering how can get listings becuse had work before"
Answer: Dear Idiot, I suspect it is your mind that is wandering. I suggest you remove the icepick from your cranium before you honk and proceed. You mentioned that you "had work before." I am sorry to inform you that weaving baskets on Ward 6 doesn't qualify you for anything other than politics. In Washington, confusion is an art form, and you are a natural. Good luck - you have my vote.

"Bd Pans Included" - Goofs That Will Make You Soil Your Shorts

I have two things to say this week: 1। When you drink, you can't think। 2। When you drink you can't- ... uh, what was I saying? Oh, yes - the MLS. It was so full of bloopers this week that I am led to conclude that happy hour started Monday and never stopped. Read these and tell me if it is any wonder I was driven to throw back a few martinis myself:

Booze 'N' Fools

"Free membership to gin inc" (It seems someone else beat us to it, Martini Mary.)
"Grab now use imagination" (That's what Arnold said to his housekeeper.)
"House has new edition" (Agent lacks erudition.)
"Babblying broke runs in back" (Bumbling buffoon runs amuck.)
"Drop by for cocktail ho" (Oh, is the Sunset Strip for sale?)

Puff 'N' Stuff

"Near Sacramento airpot" (I believe his name is Jerry Brown.)
"Claw me for selling" (I'm too busy clawing my eyes out over your spelling.)
"Reduction on mid-century ner Holywod" (Another mid-sixties porn star is looking for work.)
"We can sake your home" (Can I get fried rice with my sake?)
Proof or Goof

"Nice streem" (Said Grandma to Grandpa after his diaper exploded.)
"Nice for dog kids" (Uh, they're called 'puppies," pal.)
"Bd pans included" (Thank you, Nurse Nancy - can you warm those first?)
"Good stable in neighborhood." (Have you contacted Mary and Joseph?)
"Drawing for plasma" (Is this a blood-bank?)
And This Week's Winner Is:

"Good school in areola" (Thanks for keeping me abreast of things.)

PROOF OR GOOF, FRIENDS - I'M WATCHING EWE :)

Has Real Estate Gone To The Dogs?

Do you remember the terrible moment in baseball at Shea Stadium in 1986 when the Red Sox World Series win went between Bill Buckner’s legs?

It was Game 6, Red Sox vs. Mets, and the Sox were up three games to two, leading 5-3 with two outs in the bottom of the 10th. Then, the Mets scored three singles. Mookie Wilson hit a grounder to Bill Buckner at first, and the ball went right through his legs , allowing the winning run. It was a sad, sad moment in baseball, friends. And there were some sad moments in the MLS again this week – wild pitches and blatant fouls that could rival Buckner’s famous gaff:

Let The Game Begin

“Patio doors has built-in blonds” (So does the Sigma Chi house at UCLA.)

“FP has gas and legs” (So does my Uncle Paddy, and he’s usually lit, too.)

“Picturass setting” (Okay…I am picturing my a__ on a beach tossing down the margaritas.)

Who’s On First?

“Slider stuck butt open” (Uh, maybe you should see a proctologist about that.)

“Drawing 4 Tickets for Super Bowel” (This explains the “stuck butt open.”)

“Garage with auto open. Remote is lost, door won’t open. Can open. Now closed.” (Can anyone say “schizophrenia”?)

“Window w/ broads will be replaced” (This must be the Sigma Chi house again…)

Bench That Dude!

“Bar and Murphy bled in basement” (Ouch – did Murphy get drunk fall off a bar stool like Uncle Paddy?)

“Rose gardeng in back” (Rose must be a Rottweiler.)

“New guts & rain-chains everywhere” (I believe that’s called lap-band surgery)

“Open Canceled- jersy duty” (Yeah, everyone does time in Jersey sooner or later…)

Three Strikes And You’re Out, Pal!

“Tenants movement scheduled.” (There’s certainly something to be said for being regular…)

“Safe, quiet street to love on” (I wish I had known about this place in high school…)

“Top-end Fridgidhare appliances” (Have the hares tried Viagra?)

And For The Nose Bleed Section

“Turn right, drownhill from thare” (A bit like your career, huh?)

Lender Loops and Hoops - Holding on To My Last Bit of Sanity

I don’t know about you, but I am on the verge of a breakdown. Why? Because I am so frustrated with the lending institutions that I have developed a drool, a twitch, and a wicked rash. I truly think the lending institutions are hindering our economic recovery. The bailout money is not translating into increased sales as far as I can see. What I do see is a lot of bank execs with spray on tans, new hair weaves, and fake-tooth smiles that gleam like tombstones in the California sun. Due to the drop in home values, refinancing odds are worse than the odds that Ms. Lohan will drop off the radar, keep her clothes on, and join a nunnery. And modifications are as challenging as navigating the L.A. freeways on a skateboard while wearing a blindfold.

I have observed that there is double speak in all bank dealings. Thus, I think it would be helpful to have a translation guide to understand the dubious promises being made daily by these Not-Lending institutions. Does anyone remember Jon Lovitz on Saturday Night Live (“I slept with Morgan Fairchild)? Well, Jon, I’d believe your imaginative claim before I’d believe some of the following promises (all of which I have actually heard):

For Those Just Off the Turnip Truck
1.“Qualified buyers can still get a loan.” (Translation: “Don’t forget to rip out your kidney and staple it to your application.”)
2.“After you submit your loan mod package, we will reply in 30 days.” (Translation: “We will mutter, ‘Hell, No, Dude’ to a donut somewhere on the opposite coast, and then we will use your file as a foot stool. You have about as much chance of hearing from us as from Amelia Earhart.”)
3.“We have your client’s application in our files.” (Translation: “We threw your paperwork into Modification Missy’s trunk. She’s on her way to Vegas, but she’ll get to it soon. Oh wait, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’…and so will Missy. She’s not coming back…and neither is your file. Next!”)
4.“We require a complete modification or short sale package.” (Translation: “We require three packages – one for the shredder, another one to be left on a desk so someone can steal your pathetic identity, and one to be erroneously sent to the Foreclosure Department.”)
5.“We are the fastest in turnaround when your buyers need a loan.” (Translation: “Underwriter Earl (Missy’s cubicle mate) will slip into his sparkling red pumps, click them together, turn around three times, and squeal, ‘There’s no place like home…and your client sure as hell ain’t gettin’ one, honey!”)
6.“We sympathize with your client’s situation.” (Translation: “HaHaHaHaHa. Tell him to grow a set.”)
7.“Your client’s file is in the hands of experts who have experience in navigating rough waters.” (Translation: “Our trained negotiators were formally pirates in the Carribbean, and your client’s ship is about to be seized.”)
8.“This short sale will close about thirty days after approval.” (Translation: “This short sale will close about thirty days after Peter Minuit returns Manhattan Island to the Indians.”)

What Happens in Banking Stays in Banking

1.“All we need is one more document to complete the file.” (Translation: “All we need is your remaining kidney. We lost the first one. It was last seen in Missy’s trunk.”)
2.“We are here to help those who are struggling to pay their mortgages.” (Translation: “Files of those who have stopped paying will be expedited because our values are backasswards. Thus, we encourage all applicants to blow their credit ratings. It’s trendy! By the way, didya notice my sparkling new chompers?”)
3.“Your client has a chance to get his loan modified, but he cannot miss one trial payment.” (Translation: “Although he cannot pay, we will string him along for as much time as we can in order to get his savings and retirement money before seizing his home and kicking grandma to the curb. Incidentally, does Granny still have her kidneys?”)
4.“Trial Payments are for a maximum of three months.” (Translation: “Then we call them “String” payments, because we string you along until you are ready to string yourself from a tree limb. In the meantime, we will be doing the limbo to see how low we can go.”)
5.“The computer has given us a loan approval based on the appraisal.” (Translation: “Of course, Appraisal Reviewer Rita may lower the value of the appraisal even if it comes it at value, because she must account for dismal market conditions – for which we were largely responsible and continue to be largely responsible – and because Rita must cover her arse to keep her job because she just purchased your unemployed, disabled neighbor’s foreclosed home while the neighbor’s sobbing children clung to her fat ankles.”)
6. “In order to complete this short sale, your client needs to contribute cash.” (Translation: “Although the guy is losing his 20% down payment, has lost his job and has no money at all, why can’t he rip the braces off his kids’ teeth and sell them for scrap metal? C’mon – work with us here!”)
7.“I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” (Translation: “You’ll never find me again. If you call back, you’ll just get someone else who has been working here for five minutes. You will have to start all over again. You will have to tell your story to fifty more screeners and submit three more short sale packages. You will develop another tick before this is all over…and maybe even Tourette syndrome. Now excuse me, I’m on my way to Vegas with Missy, Earl and Rita…and one of your kidneys.”)

Shot Yourself In The Foot, Huh?

This post was inspired by a recent conversation with an agent who told me that the house on the hill above was slipping, "but only a little." I live in earthquake territory, folks. There's no such thing as "slipping a little." That's like being "partially pregnant." Thus, I asked around and gathered some contributions to the Words to Avoid list. Please enjoy:

First, the Absurd...

"Oh, heck, we all grew up with black mold." (Is that why your eyes roll inward and your tongue hangs out?)

"They had a pot-bellied pig that ruined the carpet." (I had a pot-bellied husband that ruined the couch.)

"The old lady next door is crazy but nice." (So I should ignore the drooling face in the window?)

"The place was busted because the owner's father had a brewery in the basement." (No problem - my grandmother had a meth lab in the bathroom.)

"The heating lamp in the bathroom needs attention." (No wonder your hair is on fire.)

"This was used as a grow house." (No wonder I have the munchies.)

"The four dogs next door seldom ever bark." (Then I will "seldom" ever use my tranquilizer darts.)

"The lights flicker and dim sometimes, but it's nothing to worry about." (Said the warden on Death Row.)

"It may be showing some wear and tear, but it's obviously not going anywhere." (Said the Captain of the Titanic.)

And now, the Sublime...

"A little baking soda will get rid of the smell." (But will it get rid of the sellers' bad taste?)

"The lime in the crawl space is to absorb moisture." (So what's with the hatchet and the duct tape, Lizzie Bordon?)

"The odor was from something that got trapped in the crawl space." (Is the listing agent missing?)

"Although it's filthy, they never had vermin." (Oh yeah...that explains the 14 morbidly obese cats.)

"The house isn't bolted, but it's very secure." (No problem -The buyer is with Indymac - they're very secure.)

"His score is low...but he's working on it." (My patience is low...so get outta my face.)

"That's a pine cone in the pool." (And I suppose that's lemonade in the toilet.)

"The cracks in the foundation are small." (So is our offer.)

"You should see the garden when it's lit." (You should see my uncle when he's lit...)

"Can I still get zero per cent financing?" (Let me explain the signs of mercury poisoning and its effects on the brain...)

"The soggy area above the septic tank is from the sprinklers" (Uh-huh, so why are you so full of crap?)

"All those steps will keep you in shape." (Then why are you carrying that defibrillator?)

"The pool leaks." (So does my Aunt Bea when she sneezes.)

"The lawn sprinklers don't work." (Then call Aunt Bea and ask her to sneeze.)

And Those Words We Hear Most Often:

"Can you reduce the size of your commission?" (About as easily as I can reduce the size of my butt.)

"It's been sitting for months with no activity!" (So did my Aunt Bea, when the neighbor stole her walker.)

"I know we've been looking at homes for a year, but we're backing out of escrow." (Fine. Now grab this frayed wire and touch your tongue to this metal pole and...)

Please visit me at http://www.lahomesite.com/. And thanks to my colleagues at Sotheby's International Realty and my friends at Coldwell Banker and Keller Williams for all your funny stories.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Why Winos Shouldn't List Houses

Hi Friends - Recently I have had a number of requests for my "Wino Post." (Thank you, dear readers!) This one was the official launch of my MLS BLOOPERS BLOG. Look for a new one on Friday, but in the meantime, here is the original, back by popular demand:

The MLS and the L.A. Times Real Estate pages should be on Oprah's Reading List. Seriously. There are so many typos and outrageous remarks in the MLS that it makes for great leisure reading. The newspaper ads certainly add to the merriment. I love houses with features such as a "slimming pool" or a "crook's kitchen," especially if those features are in a "Post and Bean" house. And what could be more entertaining than a "barge yard" (for your barges of course) or a "wall of widows?" Thus, I have compiled some of my favorite typos. So take a moment to smile, fiends. (Uh, I meant "friends.")

Would You Buy This House???

Large slitting room (Is this Tony Soprano's house?)

House on Beautiful wok street (But what if I don't cook?)

"Libary" with built in shivs (In all fairness, perhaps this is in a prison.)

Disclosure: Crack on back side (Relax, we all have one.)

Call lasting agent (It's true, there aren't many of us left!)

Oven flew in from Italy (Paid for with frequent flyer miles, no doubt.)

Built in wino bar (Is there a stool with my name on it?)

Lunch severed (One misplaced r and you're dead.)

Snacks and drunks okay... (My sentiments exactly.)

Bang hard (Let's just not go there).

Let's Sell This Sucker

Seller moved but furniture strayed (In most states that's grounds for divorce.)

Brick Drivaway (Mama Mia - Those bricks must have flown in from Italy with the oven.)

Seller in NY - Coming out soon (Okay, this was in West Hollywood...think about it.)

Plumbing needs motivation (Way too much information.)

Seller says Gas is a problem (His plumbing must "need motivation" also.)

Terrorist yard (Another head-scratcher.)

Pouter room (A place to go when the first payment is due)

Call Frist (Will the Senator filibuster for me?)

Beautiful terpentine tiles in shower (Note to self: Do Not Smoke in the Shower.)

Rear entry blocked off (Eat prunes already.)

Pieceful feeling (Especially when in the shiv room)

Seller can't say no (Neither could my ex...hence the "ex.")

Weird and Random

Rooster somewhere in the neighborhood, but not for long. (Need I say more?)

Screams reported at twilight open house were coyotes we think. (Or a rooster perhaps?)

The foundation bolted (But the house stayed???)

Grass fireplace starter (For a home on the tundra...)

Owner says dog likes the taste of people. (What are his thoughts on fresh rooster?)

Built-in smoker (Grandpa won't leave.)

Strange glass windows (I'm too dumb to make this stuff up.)

Cemetery nearby (This guy really knows how to close the deal.)

Ass is (Seriously? ...I mean SERIOUSLY?)

Agents to be split down the middle. (One screw up with a Tudor and suddenly you're on the rack!)

No smaking please (But you deserve one upside your thick head.)

Close to Therapy, Rehab and Shopping (One of those choices is bound to work.)

Designer Don. (A decorating offer you can't refuse!)

And in Case You Need Your Own Motivation:

Call then go. But call again if you can't get in. Then try again. (Fool me once...fool me twice...)

Call for show times. No kids. Seller may be there and can't handle anything less than four feet tall. (Hey Bozo - half the kids in Hollywood can probably afford to buy your dump!)

Seller says he'll give dog to buyer. Check with city for past complaints. Cute dog. (Uh-huh.)

Does anyone want a noisy bird? (To feed to a "cute dog" maybe...)

Hysterical Home (Is it in the Hysterectomy Books?)

Recently bombed for fleas. (That may have been overkill.)

Marina Del Ray houseboat w/ great living style. Ask about leaks and other issues. (Uh-huh...)

Biggest Sellers, So take Note:

No earthquake insurance. But this is a few miles from the San Andreas Fault so you'll be fine. (Good to know...IF YOU'RE SUICIDAL!)

Voted Safest Neighborhood until last year. (So I take it the chalk outline has some significance?)

Driveway is shared, but other party doesn't share too good. (That explains why the chalk outline is in the driveway.)

Neighbor on N. side is nasty. You've been warned. (Yes - I saw the driveway...)

And My Faves

Seller leaving state, Going to State of Denial. Kidding. It's just a bad market.

Okay, so I know what you all are thinking: Los Angeles is not a state of mind...it's a mindless state. But at least we are colorful and constipated. I mean consistent. Until next week, go in piece.

"BOOBIES PROVIDED"? For more Laughter, Please Check Out: http://activerain.com/blogsview/1667865/-boobies-provided-the-mls-comedy-tour

Contact Gwen by clicking here

Have a Cup of Shut Up

Recently a Mortgage Broker told me he could "request a specific appraiser and make sure the appraisal comes in at contract price." First of all, pal, I hear that HVCC Jail is a lot like Joliet Prison, but the male inmates aren't as pretty. And secondly, what the h_ll were you thinking when you said that??? Okay, I agree there are certain phrases and questions we have all heard or used in real estate that no longer apply. Or if they do, they have a new meaning. Thus, we need to think before we rattle off the old phrases that used to slip so easily off our forked tongues. This is my take on "Don't Say It Just Because You Thunk It":

Don't Say It Just Because You Thunk It

"You can always turn it for a profit!" (Thank you, Heidi Fleiss.)

"Maybe the lender will pay the buyers closing costs." (And maybe I'll find George Clooney in my Christmas pantyhose. Uh, I mean stocking.)

"Don't worry - the bank doesn't want your house." (Are you high??? Can you say "TARP bailout incentives?")

"Anybody can make money in real estate." (...Said the CEO of Bear Stearns while strapping on his Golden Parachute.)

"We'll have complete loan approval in 17 days." (...Provided your mortgage broker can make bail.)

Don't Press Your Luck, Pal

"The house isn't bolted, but it's still standing." (So is David Hasselhoff, but I wouldn't give him my car keys...)

"You can't build too many." (Yes, Mr. Ford. ...Uh, you say that's called an "Edsel"?)

"I'd like some of your commission as an incentive." (And I'd like one of your kidneys so I can drink more.)

"Are they offering any buyer incentives?" (Let's see - low rates, low prices...or are we talking about my kidneys again?)

"Speak with the guy next door. I doubt if he'll mind a dog run on the easement." (Of course not - he'll have a better shot from there.)

"Does the buyer expect me to give the damn thing away?" (I believe that's what "Father of the Bride" means, Mr. Clinton.)

"Maybe the neighbor will let you remove the old fence. " (He may let you remove his old lady, too, but I wouldn't recommend it.)

"I do not want a house unless it offers lots of privacy." (I love your sense of humor, Mrs. Obama.)

Need I Say the Word "OBVIOUS"?

"Are there any fixers in Malibu?" (Sure - Charlie Sheen, Mel, the toothless singer-lady, the guy with the aluminum foil hat....)

"Everything in the house is state-of-the-art" (WHOSE art? Since when is a monkey beating on a pan an effective alarm system?)

FOR MORE "THUNKERS," PLEASE CLICK HERE

How To Lose Your Pants With a Smile

Ah, yes, folks - it was a great 4th with sunshine, bar-be-ques, brewskies, and enough grammar and spelling pandemonium on the MLS to set off fireworks. These are the best of the bunch - a metaphorical fireworks grand finale, full of shock and awe!

Hold Onto Your Shorts!

"Include Shorts in clean Package" (Hey pervert sniffer-boy, get your own skivvies!)

"Shunny new kichen with barr" ( Shomeone's shnockered on schnapps...)

"Pool with sin deck - very nice!" (Uh, methinks a pool with sin deck is considered VICE.)

"Will look at offers from non-prophets first" (Oh, honey, you must sell real estate in Malibu...)

"Near park with many haking trails" (Calling Lizzie Borden...your hatchet is ready.)

"New restraining wall" (Believe me...I'm restraining myself now!)

It Always Leads Back to Jersey...

"Cooler comes with house" (Uh, if this is the Jersey hitman kind of cooler, then we've finally located uncle Vito.)

"New Homeowners Assascionation" (Hey Uncle Vito, business must be booming!)

"Leaded gass in lawyer's library stays" (Yeah, that smell does tend to linger...)

"State o f art alarm" (Is it hooked up in the Lawyer's Library?)

"Murial on wall in dining area" (Murial's husband in San Quentin doing One Hundred to Life...with Uncle Vito's driver.)

"Nice new gym with custom pain" (No pain, no gain, right Vito?)

"Building has good HO" (Gre-a-a-t...everyone loves a hooker with a heart.)

FOR THE GRAND FINALE, PLEASE CLICK HERE!

Real Estate Humor - A Fertile Field For Freud!

Sometimes I think the subconscious mind is controlling our typing, while the conscious mind is watching old Seinfeld and Family Guy reruns. Maybe Dr. Freud could explain some of these hilarious Los Angeles area postings in the MLS that range from weird spellings to oddball comments.

See if you can figure out what these agents are trying to say. But...if you are one of the agents who posted these listing remarks, call your therapist!

Carl Jung and Then Some:

"Do not go before calling - god bites." (That beats burning in the depths of hell.)

"Do not disturb occupunks" (The headstone of Sid Vicious?)

"Seller won't pay to test septic - says he's cleaned out." (Apparently seller ran a router through his down-spouter.)

"Wine and cheesey balls served." (Uh, pardon me, Mr. Limburger, are these yours?")

"Buyer who shows the most gets reward." (Seriously, dude, laughing at you is reward enough!)

"Master with sauna and new hit tub" (A Jersey special - Cream ‘em, Steam ‘em and Clean ‘em.)

Dr. Kinsey and Seller Whimsy

"Pipes just rodol roodled" (Agent just befiddle faddled.)

"Be sure to leave your business." (I have a hunch the seller who's "cleaned out" already did.)

"House w/ big balcony. Walk on at own risk." (Does the HOA cover DOA?)

"Staples for horses" (Office Depot for cows.)

"If you pass, you'll be sorry." (Especially if God bites!)

Call Dr. Phil, Then Pop a Pill

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE THE LAUGHTER:

"Bonus to Fix Seller" - More MLS Chucklers

Usually I have to skip a week to gather enough material for my MLS blooper review, but this past week was especially rife with colorful errors and head-scratching misspellings.

I even caught a few in the L.A. Times and Homes and Land Magazine. It appears that some agents were dozing at their keyboards…or doing tequila shooters – you decide.

Here are my Picks of the Week:

Where’s the Beef?

“Vintage cow foot tub with gold feet” (Old beef with gold leaf.)

“Mobile nome for sale (A leprechaun on a Harley?)

“Lots of great chops in area” (‘Great’ accordin’ to Lizzie Borden.)

“Lush landescaping” (Drunk land on the lam?)

“Nice area of mountain w/ village inn iit” (Offered by the Village Inn-i-it.”)

“Fixer – New reduced size!” (Seems the clunker’s been shrunkered.)

Too Good To Be True

“Bonus to fix seller” (We pay to spay.)

“New lo-flow John” (John must be on Flomax.)

“Nice Hollywood bunglaboo” (Agent bungle in the Hollywood jungle…)

“Work bintch thrown in for free” (The bintch should smack you upside your thick head.)

“Listen to the waves lapping in the arbor” (Run, you dud –there must be a flood!)


And Now I Have a Bridge to Sell You…

FOR MORE MLS CHUCKLES, VISIT:

"This House Will Smell Fast!"

This week's MLS was a whole bag ‘o crazy. Seriously, there should be a movie. I doubt if even Tina Fey could write anything funnier. Imagine it in 3D - with "fully stocked bras" and "large panty off kitchen." Special thanks to Greg Cooper and Patrick Martin and Fred Glick for their contributions:

Stinkin' and Drinkin'

"Garage and paddyo leans - needs support." (So does my Irish Uncle Paddyo after 4 pints of Guinness.

"This House will smell fast." (It seems the realtor stinks, also.)

"House has conservatorium" (A crematorium for Republicans, perhaps?)

"Hammered clobber tub" (I'll tell you who's hammered...)

"Everything on porch sways" (Tell Uncle Paddyo to get off the porch.)

And I Thought I had Heard It All...

"Converted church w/ original ball tower." (Geez - men need a monument for everything!)

"Extra Room in Attica" ( So much for prison overcrowding...)

"Laura Ashley pints in bedroom." (Uncle Paddyo passed out on bed.)

"Lazy Susan in kitch won't twist" (Put a dollar in her G String and see what happens)

"Antique fixtures made of bras." (Yes, old ones are hard to hold up.)

Gripes With the Pipes

"Chiten beans and rice served." (Someone will be chiten later for sure!)

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE

The MLS "Turkey Awards"

I think it's time to start a new awards show in Hollywood - The Super-Dooper-Blooper awards. The competition will be stiff, and the categories will be plentiful. The statue awarded will be a giant brass turkey. Why?...Because it was another week of weird descriptions and head scratchers on the MLS. One home was "warm and cotzly" and another was "near a succer field"...but they are no competition for what follows!

Thanks to Matt Stigliano of Re/Max, Patrick Martin of Sotheby's International Realty, and Nashville Broker Grant Hammond for their contributions, and thanks to the MLS for such a great read!


Masters and Disasters

"Master will thrill you" (But his wife may shoot you...)

"Two hoses on a lot" (...And one hoser agent.)

"Grass tiles in shower" (Cows grazing in bathroom)

"Awe-expiring view" (House with killer views)

"Steal of a deal - House w/ flour rentals" (Take ‘n Bake)

Disease and Dis-ease

"Inflammation deemed reliable but not guaranteed." (Try Neosporin.)

"Plaster in goof condition" (Goofy agent in plastered condition.)

"Fresh pain and carpet" (In case the payment isn't painful enough)

"Good property for investigators" (Apparently the master thrilled the wrong person...)

"Good schools and really fiendly neighbors" (A house to die for.)

"Big lard - needs work" (Is "Big Lard" the seller?)

Sin...and More Sin

"Vue home - golfers paradice" (A strip club for Tiger?)

"Just of Benadick Canyon" (That sounds painful...)

"Charming stoned path leads to herb garden" (Charming herbs lead to stoned agent.)

FOR MORE BLOOPERS, CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE

The Best Streets in Los Angeles - $$$!

If you'd like to know where and what the most desirable streets in L.A. are, check out this great report in the L.A. Times by Lauren Beale:

http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-hot-streets27-2010mar27,0,6734165.story

There is a high price for "Spectacular"!

C.A.R. REPORTS ON CALIFORNIA HOME SALES AND PRICES

February sales and price report
For release:
Tuesday, March 23, 2010

C.A.R. reports February median price increased 14.1 percent; home sales decreased 11.7 percent

Quick Facts:
· Existing, single-family home sales decreased 11.7 percent in February to a seasonally adjusted rate
of 528,930 units on an annualized basis compared with February 2009.

· The statewide median price of an existing single-family home increased 14.1 percent in February to
$279,840, compared with February 2009.

· C.A.R.’s Unsold Inventory Index fell to 6.3 months in February, compared with 7.1 months in
February 2009.

LOS ANGELES (March 23) – Home sales decreased 11.7 percent in February in California compared with the same period a year ago, while the median price of an existing home rose 14.1 percent, the CALIFORNIA ASSOCIATION OF REALTORS® (C.A.R.) reported today.

“The federal tax credit for home buyers, low mortgage rates, and affordability at record levels have contributed to an unprecedented opportunity for many first-timers in the market for a home of their own,” said C.A.R. President Steve Goddard. “Although sales have declined from the unusually strong levels we experienced a year ago, they’ve remained above the 500,000 unit threshold for 18 consecutive months, while home prices continue to firm in the regions of the state most attractive to buyers taking advantage of today’s favorable market conditions.”

Closed escrow sales of existing, single-family detached homes in California totaled 528,930 in February at a seasonally adjusted annualized rate, according to information collected by C.A.R. from more than 90 local REALTOR® associations statewide. Statewide home resale activity decreased 11.7 percent from the revised 598,770 sales pace recorded in February 2009. Sales in February 2010 decreased 2.2 percent compared with the previous month.

The statewide sales figure represents what the total number of homes sold during 2010 would be if sales maintained the February pace throughout the year. It is adjusted to account for seasonal factors that typically influence home sales.

The median price of an existing, single-family detached home in California during February 2010 was $279,840, a 14.1 percent increase from the revised $245,230 median for February 2009, C.A.R. reported. The February 2010 median price decreased 2.4 percent compared with January’s $286,600 median price.

“Sales of distressed properties to investors and first-time buyers continued to drive the market in February, although at a lesser rate than a year ago,” said C.A.R. Vice President and Chief Economist Leslie Appleton-Young. “Supply continues to lag demand at the more affordable end of the market, with a 3.9 month supply of homes for sales priced below $300,000, compared with the long-run average of more than seven months. This contrasts sharply with the nearly 15-month supply of homes for sales priced at $1 million or more at the upper end of the market.”

Highlights of C.A.R.’s resale housing figures for February 2010:

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE: