Hoops and Corn Dogs - The Phenomenon of Hoosier Hysteria

The NCAA and March Madness

If ever there was a time to try to explain the effects of March Madness on Indiana, it is now. For those of you who have not been reading the paper, watching television, or listening to the whoops echoing over the entire Midwest, you have missed out on a phenomenon known as HOOSIER HYSTERIA. Yes, the Hoosier State of Indiana LOVES basketball. And who is better suited to provide Hoosiers - and the world - with heart-stopping basketball but the mighty Butler University Bulldogs?

Cinderella Goes To The Ball

Although Indiana, birthplace of basketball great Larry Bird and once home to former I.U. coaching legend Bobby Knight, is a state from which we have come to expect great college basketball, Butler is truly a Cinderella story.

This school of only 4200 - my Alma Mater - consistently delivers a team with bulldog hearts, high academics, and gentlemanly, albeit ferocious, game. Last year Butler, underdog to the much bigger competitive schools, made it to the NCAA finals in spite of the odds. In a riveting play-off game, the Bulldogs hung on until the last second when a half-court shot by Gordon Hayward bounced off the glass just as the buzzer announced the crushing Bulldog defeat. The fact that Butler had made it all the way to the just-shy-of-glorious end, with shorter and younger players, was more than admirable - it was the stuff from which legends are made.

This year the number eight seeded Bulldogs are back to play out the final chapter of the legend. Yes, they are once again in the playoffs, having just triumphed in a heart-stopping overtime "Elite Eight" game against the number two seeded, very talented Florida Gators. As the Bulldogs rallied to a 74-71 win, hearts broke all over Florida. Indiana, on the other hand, was high-fiving corn dogs and screaming "Booyah!" My friends there tell me there were horns blowing all over town, and neighbors were in the streets hugging each other. The excitement of the Bulldog performance swept the state with more force than a summer tornado.

The Pride and the Passion

Why is it that Hoosier Hysteria exists in the first place? What is it with Hoosiers and their basketball? In my opinion, Hoosier Hysteria is a result of something very basic to that state. Indiana is a warm and friendly place that supports family...and good Hoosier values. And what better to value than the lessons learned from healthy sports competition? Hoosiers raise their kids to be polite, to play fair, to believe in miracles, and to relish the challenge of a tough fight. They teach their kids to be steady and consistent (unlike the often harsh Indiana weather that changes every five minutes). And they teach them to be tough. A Hoosier will politely say, "Excuse me, sir" just before trampling a bone-crushing opponent with more force than a John Deere tractor.

Hoosiers have a belief in themselves as champions. The residents support their players, and the players give back with every ounce of energy they can muster. Hoosiers give great basketball because they know how to give of themselves. Hoosier Hysteria exists, because Hoosiers have heart. And if you want to see a bunch of great kids play with more heart than you knew was possible - watch the Butler Bulldogs in the Final Four game. You will quickly realize that Hoosier Hysteria is more than an Indiana phenomenon - it's the apotheosis of Hope and Possibility - something we all need these days.

Yes, I said it folks - I, the fairly liberal Democrat living in the wild and wacky state of California just said it: We all could use a little Indiana HEART!

WATCH BUTLER IN THE FINAL FOUR GAME THIS SATURDAY WHEN THEY MEET VCU AT 3:00 PM!

Has Real Estate Gone To The Dogs?

Do you remember the terrible moment in baseball at Shea Stadium in 1986 when the Red Sox World Series win went between Bill Buckner’s legs?

It was Game 6, Red Sox vs. Mets, and the Sox were up three games to two, leading 5-3 with two outs in the bottom of the 10th. Then, the Mets scored three singles. Mookie Wilson hit a grounder to Bill Buckner at first, and the ball went right through his legs , allowing the winning run. It was a sad, sad moment in baseball, friends. And there were some sad moments in the MLS again this week – wild pitches and blatant fouls that could rival Buckner’s famous gaff:

Let The Game Begin

“Patio doors has built-in blonds” (So does the Sigma Chi house at UCLA.)

“FP has gas and legs” (So does my Uncle Paddy, and he’s usually lit, too.)

“Picturass setting” (Okay…I am picturing my a__ on a beach tossing down the margaritas.)

Who’s On First?

“Slider stuck butt open” (Uh, maybe you should see a proctologist about that.)

“Drawing 4 Tickets for Super Bowel” (This explains the “stuck butt open.”)

“Garage with auto open. Remote is lost, door won’t open. Can open. Now closed.” (Can anyone say “schizophrenia”?)

“Window w/ broads will be replaced” (This must be the Sigma Chi house again…)

Bench That Dude!

“Bar and Murphy bled in basement” (Ouch – did Murphy get drunk fall off a bar stool like Uncle Paddy?)

“Rose gardeng in back” (Rose must be a Rottweiler.)

“New guts & rain-chains everywhere” (I believe that’s called lap-band surgery)

“Open Canceled- jersy duty” (Yeah, everyone does time in Jersey sooner or later…)

Three Strikes And You’re Out, Pal!

“Tenants movement scheduled.” (There’s certainly something to be said for being regular…)

“Safe, quiet street to love on” (I wish I had known about this place in high school…)

“Top-end Fridgidhare appliances” (Have the hares tried Viagra?)

And For The Nose Bleed Section

“Turn right, drownhill from thare” (A bit like your career, huh?)

Lender Loops and Hoops - Holding on To My Last Bit of Sanity

I don’t know about you, but I am on the verge of a breakdown. Why? Because I am so frustrated with the lending institutions that I have developed a drool, a twitch, and a wicked rash. I truly think the lending institutions are hindering our economic recovery. The bailout money is not translating into increased sales as far as I can see. What I do see is a lot of bank execs with spray on tans, new hair weaves, and fake-tooth smiles that gleam like tombstones in the California sun. Due to the drop in home values, refinancing odds are worse than the odds that Ms. Lohan will drop off the radar, keep her clothes on, and join a nunnery. And modifications are as challenging as navigating the L.A. freeways on a skateboard while wearing a blindfold.

I have observed that there is double speak in all bank dealings. Thus, I think it would be helpful to have a translation guide to understand the dubious promises being made daily by these Not-Lending institutions. Does anyone remember Jon Lovitz on Saturday Night Live (“I slept with Morgan Fairchild)? Well, Jon, I’d believe your imaginative claim before I’d believe some of the following promises (all of which I have actually heard):

For Those Just Off the Turnip Truck
1.“Qualified buyers can still get a loan.” (Translation: “Don’t forget to rip out your kidney and staple it to your application.”)
2.“After you submit your loan mod package, we will reply in 30 days.” (Translation: “We will mutter, ‘Hell, No, Dude’ to a donut somewhere on the opposite coast, and then we will use your file as a foot stool. You have about as much chance of hearing from us as from Amelia Earhart.”)
3.“We have your client’s application in our files.” (Translation: “We threw your paperwork into Modification Missy’s trunk. She’s on her way to Vegas, but she’ll get to it soon. Oh wait, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’…and so will Missy. She’s not coming back…and neither is your file. Next!”)
4.“We require a complete modification or short sale package.” (Translation: “We require three packages – one for the shredder, another one to be left on a desk so someone can steal your pathetic identity, and one to be erroneously sent to the Foreclosure Department.”)
5.“We are the fastest in turnaround when your buyers need a loan.” (Translation: “Underwriter Earl (Missy’s cubicle mate) will slip into his sparkling red pumps, click them together, turn around three times, and squeal, ‘There’s no place like home…and your client sure as hell ain’t gettin’ one, honey!”)
6.“We sympathize with your client’s situation.” (Translation: “HaHaHaHaHa. Tell him to grow a set.”)
7.“Your client’s file is in the hands of experts who have experience in navigating rough waters.” (Translation: “Our trained negotiators were formally pirates in the Carribbean, and your client’s ship is about to be seized.”)
8.“This short sale will close about thirty days after approval.” (Translation: “This short sale will close about thirty days after Peter Minuit returns Manhattan Island to the Indians.”)

What Happens in Banking Stays in Banking

1.“All we need is one more document to complete the file.” (Translation: “All we need is your remaining kidney. We lost the first one. It was last seen in Missy’s trunk.”)
2.“We are here to help those who are struggling to pay their mortgages.” (Translation: “Files of those who have stopped paying will be expedited because our values are backasswards. Thus, we encourage all applicants to blow their credit ratings. It’s trendy! By the way, didya notice my sparkling new chompers?”)
3.“Your client has a chance to get his loan modified, but he cannot miss one trial payment.” (Translation: “Although he cannot pay, we will string him along for as much time as we can in order to get his savings and retirement money before seizing his home and kicking grandma to the curb. Incidentally, does Granny still have her kidneys?”)
4.“Trial Payments are for a maximum of three months.” (Translation: “Then we call them “String” payments, because we string you along until you are ready to string yourself from a tree limb. In the meantime, we will be doing the limbo to see how low we can go.”)
5.“The computer has given us a loan approval based on the appraisal.” (Translation: “Of course, Appraisal Reviewer Rita may lower the value of the appraisal even if it comes it at value, because she must account for dismal market conditions – for which we were largely responsible and continue to be largely responsible – and because Rita must cover her arse to keep her job because she just purchased your unemployed, disabled neighbor’s foreclosed home while the neighbor’s sobbing children clung to her fat ankles.”)
6. “In order to complete this short sale, your client needs to contribute cash.” (Translation: “Although the guy is losing his 20% down payment, has lost his job and has no money at all, why can’t he rip the braces off his kids’ teeth and sell them for scrap metal? C’mon – work with us here!”)
7.“I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” (Translation: “You’ll never find me again. If you call back, you’ll just get someone else who has been working here for five minutes. You will have to start all over again. You will have to tell your story to fifty more screeners and submit three more short sale packages. You will develop another tick before this is all over…and maybe even Tourette syndrome. Now excuse me, I’m on my way to Vegas with Missy, Earl and Rita…and one of your kidneys.”)

Shot Yourself In The Foot, Huh?

This post was inspired by a recent conversation with an agent who told me that the house on the hill above was slipping, "but only a little." I live in earthquake territory, folks. There's no such thing as "slipping a little." That's like being "partially pregnant." Thus, I asked around and gathered some contributions to the Words to Avoid list. Please enjoy:

First, the Absurd...

"Oh, heck, we all grew up with black mold." (Is that why your eyes roll inward and your tongue hangs out?)

"They had a pot-bellied pig that ruined the carpet." (I had a pot-bellied husband that ruined the couch.)

"The old lady next door is crazy but nice." (So I should ignore the drooling face in the window?)

"The place was busted because the owner's father had a brewery in the basement." (No problem - my grandmother had a meth lab in the bathroom.)

"The heating lamp in the bathroom needs attention." (No wonder your hair is on fire.)

"This was used as a grow house." (No wonder I have the munchies.)

"The four dogs next door seldom ever bark." (Then I will "seldom" ever use my tranquilizer darts.)

"The lights flicker and dim sometimes, but it's nothing to worry about." (Said the warden on Death Row.)

"It may be showing some wear and tear, but it's obviously not going anywhere." (Said the Captain of the Titanic.)

And now, the Sublime...

"A little baking soda will get rid of the smell." (But will it get rid of the sellers' bad taste?)

"The lime in the crawl space is to absorb moisture." (So what's with the hatchet and the duct tape, Lizzie Bordon?)

"The odor was from something that got trapped in the crawl space." (Is the listing agent missing?)

"Although it's filthy, they never had vermin." (Oh yeah...that explains the 14 morbidly obese cats.)

"The house isn't bolted, but it's very secure." (No problem -The buyer is with Indymac - they're very secure.)

"His score is low...but he's working on it." (My patience is low...so get outta my face.)

"That's a pine cone in the pool." (And I suppose that's lemonade in the toilet.)

"The cracks in the foundation are small." (So is our offer.)

"You should see the garden when it's lit." (You should see my uncle when he's lit...)

"Can I still get zero per cent financing?" (Let me explain the signs of mercury poisoning and its effects on the brain...)

"The soggy area above the septic tank is from the sprinklers" (Uh-huh, so why are you so full of crap?)

"All those steps will keep you in shape." (Then why are you carrying that defibrillator?)

"The pool leaks." (So does my Aunt Bea when she sneezes.)

"The lawn sprinklers don't work." (Then call Aunt Bea and ask her to sneeze.)

And Those Words We Hear Most Often:

"Can you reduce the size of your commission?" (About as easily as I can reduce the size of my butt.)

"It's been sitting for months with no activity!" (So did my Aunt Bea, when the neighbor stole her walker.)

"I know we've been looking at homes for a year, but we're backing out of escrow." (Fine. Now grab this frayed wire and touch your tongue to this metal pole and...)

Please visit me at http://www.lahomesite.com/. And thanks to my colleagues at Sotheby's International Realty and my friends at Coldwell Banker and Keller Williams for all your funny stories.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Why Winos Shouldn't List Houses

Hi Friends - Recently I have had a number of requests for my "Wino Post." (Thank you, dear readers!) This one was the official launch of my MLS BLOOPERS BLOG. Look for a new one on Friday, but in the meantime, here is the original, back by popular demand:

The MLS and the L.A. Times Real Estate pages should be on Oprah's Reading List. Seriously. There are so many typos and outrageous remarks in the MLS that it makes for great leisure reading. The newspaper ads certainly add to the merriment. I love houses with features such as a "slimming pool" or a "crook's kitchen," especially if those features are in a "Post and Bean" house. And what could be more entertaining than a "barge yard" (for your barges of course) or a "wall of widows?" Thus, I have compiled some of my favorite typos. So take a moment to smile, fiends. (Uh, I meant "friends.")

Would You Buy This House???

Large slitting room (Is this Tony Soprano's house?)

House on Beautiful wok street (But what if I don't cook?)

"Libary" with built in shivs (In all fairness, perhaps this is in a prison.)

Disclosure: Crack on back side (Relax, we all have one.)

Call lasting agent (It's true, there aren't many of us left!)

Oven flew in from Italy (Paid for with frequent flyer miles, no doubt.)

Built in wino bar (Is there a stool with my name on it?)

Lunch severed (One misplaced r and you're dead.)

Snacks and drunks okay... (My sentiments exactly.)

Bang hard (Let's just not go there).

Let's Sell This Sucker

Seller moved but furniture strayed (In most states that's grounds for divorce.)

Brick Drivaway (Mama Mia - Those bricks must have flown in from Italy with the oven.)

Seller in NY - Coming out soon (Okay, this was in West Hollywood...think about it.)

Plumbing needs motivation (Way too much information.)

Seller says Gas is a problem (His plumbing must "need motivation" also.)

Terrorist yard (Another head-scratcher.)

Pouter room (A place to go when the first payment is due)

Call Frist (Will the Senator filibuster for me?)

Beautiful terpentine tiles in shower (Note to self: Do Not Smoke in the Shower.)

Rear entry blocked off (Eat prunes already.)

Pieceful feeling (Especially when in the shiv room)

Seller can't say no (Neither could my ex...hence the "ex.")

Weird and Random

Rooster somewhere in the neighborhood, but not for long. (Need I say more?)

Screams reported at twilight open house were coyotes we think. (Or a rooster perhaps?)

The foundation bolted (But the house stayed???)

Grass fireplace starter (For a home on the tundra...)

Owner says dog likes the taste of people. (What are his thoughts on fresh rooster?)

Built-in smoker (Grandpa won't leave.)

Strange glass windows (I'm too dumb to make this stuff up.)

Cemetery nearby (This guy really knows how to close the deal.)

Ass is (Seriously? ...I mean SERIOUSLY?)

Agents to be split down the middle. (One screw up with a Tudor and suddenly you're on the rack!)

No smaking please (But you deserve one upside your thick head.)

Close to Therapy, Rehab and Shopping (One of those choices is bound to work.)

Designer Don. (A decorating offer you can't refuse!)

And in Case You Need Your Own Motivation:

Call then go. But call again if you can't get in. Then try again. (Fool me once...fool me twice...)

Call for show times. No kids. Seller may be there and can't handle anything less than four feet tall. (Hey Bozo - half the kids in Hollywood can probably afford to buy your dump!)

Seller says he'll give dog to buyer. Check with city for past complaints. Cute dog. (Uh-huh.)

Does anyone want a noisy bird? (To feed to a "cute dog" maybe...)

Hysterical Home (Is it in the Hysterectomy Books?)

Recently bombed for fleas. (That may have been overkill.)

Marina Del Ray houseboat w/ great living style. Ask about leaks and other issues. (Uh-huh...)

Biggest Sellers, So take Note:

No earthquake insurance. But this is a few miles from the San Andreas Fault so you'll be fine. (Good to know...IF YOU'RE SUICIDAL!)

Voted Safest Neighborhood until last year. (So I take it the chalk outline has some significance?)

Driveway is shared, but other party doesn't share too good. (That explains why the chalk outline is in the driveway.)

Neighbor on N. side is nasty. You've been warned. (Yes - I saw the driveway...)

And My Faves

Seller leaving state, Going to State of Denial. Kidding. It's just a bad market.

Okay, so I know what you all are thinking: Los Angeles is not a state of mind...it's a mindless state. But at least we are colorful and constipated. I mean consistent. Until next week, go in piece.

"BOOBIES PROVIDED"? For more Laughter, Please Check Out: http://activerain.com/blogsview/1667865/-boobies-provided-the-mls-comedy-tour

Contact Gwen by clicking here

Have a Cup of Shut Up

Recently a Mortgage Broker told me he could "request a specific appraiser and make sure the appraisal comes in at contract price." First of all, pal, I hear that HVCC Jail is a lot like Joliet Prison, but the male inmates aren't as pretty. And secondly, what the h_ll were you thinking when you said that??? Okay, I agree there are certain phrases and questions we have all heard or used in real estate that no longer apply. Or if they do, they have a new meaning. Thus, we need to think before we rattle off the old phrases that used to slip so easily off our forked tongues. This is my take on "Don't Say It Just Because You Thunk It":

Don't Say It Just Because You Thunk It

"You can always turn it for a profit!" (Thank you, Heidi Fleiss.)

"Maybe the lender will pay the buyers closing costs." (And maybe I'll find George Clooney in my Christmas pantyhose. Uh, I mean stocking.)

"Don't worry - the bank doesn't want your house." (Are you high??? Can you say "TARP bailout incentives?")

"Anybody can make money in real estate." (...Said the CEO of Bear Stearns while strapping on his Golden Parachute.)

"We'll have complete loan approval in 17 days." (...Provided your mortgage broker can make bail.)

Don't Press Your Luck, Pal

"The house isn't bolted, but it's still standing." (So is David Hasselhoff, but I wouldn't give him my car keys...)

"You can't build too many." (Yes, Mr. Ford. ...Uh, you say that's called an "Edsel"?)

"I'd like some of your commission as an incentive." (And I'd like one of your kidneys so I can drink more.)

"Are they offering any buyer incentives?" (Let's see - low rates, low prices...or are we talking about my kidneys again?)

"Speak with the guy next door. I doubt if he'll mind a dog run on the easement." (Of course not - he'll have a better shot from there.)

"Does the buyer expect me to give the damn thing away?" (I believe that's what "Father of the Bride" means, Mr. Clinton.)

"Maybe the neighbor will let you remove the old fence. " (He may let you remove his old lady, too, but I wouldn't recommend it.)

"I do not want a house unless it offers lots of privacy." (I love your sense of humor, Mrs. Obama.)

Need I Say the Word "OBVIOUS"?

"Are there any fixers in Malibu?" (Sure - Charlie Sheen, Mel, the toothless singer-lady, the guy with the aluminum foil hat....)

"Everything in the house is state-of-the-art" (WHOSE art? Since when is a monkey beating on a pan an effective alarm system?)

FOR MORE "THUNKERS," PLEASE CLICK HERE

How To Lose Your Pants With a Smile

Ah, yes, folks - it was a great 4th with sunshine, bar-be-ques, brewskies, and enough grammar and spelling pandemonium on the MLS to set off fireworks. These are the best of the bunch - a metaphorical fireworks grand finale, full of shock and awe!

Hold Onto Your Shorts!

"Include Shorts in clean Package" (Hey pervert sniffer-boy, get your own skivvies!)

"Shunny new kichen with barr" ( Shomeone's shnockered on schnapps...)

"Pool with sin deck - very nice!" (Uh, methinks a pool with sin deck is considered VICE.)

"Will look at offers from non-prophets first" (Oh, honey, you must sell real estate in Malibu...)

"Near park with many haking trails" (Calling Lizzie Borden...your hatchet is ready.)

"New restraining wall" (Believe me...I'm restraining myself now!)

It Always Leads Back to Jersey...

"Cooler comes with house" (Uh, if this is the Jersey hitman kind of cooler, then we've finally located uncle Vito.)

"New Homeowners Assascionation" (Hey Uncle Vito, business must be booming!)

"Leaded gass in lawyer's library stays" (Yeah, that smell does tend to linger...)

"State o f art alarm" (Is it hooked up in the Lawyer's Library?)

"Murial on wall in dining area" (Murial's husband in San Quentin doing One Hundred to Life...with Uncle Vito's driver.)

"Nice new gym with custom pain" (No pain, no gain, right Vito?)

"Building has good HO" (Gre-a-a-t...everyone loves a hooker with a heart.)

FOR THE GRAND FINALE, PLEASE CLICK HERE!