Swimming With The Fishes

I heard a hilarious tale about a fish incident that I would like to share with you. Of course, this is the Gwen Banta, two martini, Friday version, but somewhere in here you'll find the naked truth about a real event in the Hollywood Hills:

Patrick, Realtor extraordinaire from West Hollywood, landed a juicy listing in the Hollywood Hills, and Patrick was determined to impress. The home was a standard Hollywood Hills mini-mansion with spectacular views of Tinsel Town, a pool spa, gym, screening room, and a lavish Koi Pond full of gazillion dollar trophy fish - features we all have in our homes. Uh-huh.

Shortly after the first open house, the sellers called Patrick and announced that they had to leave for Cannes and asked if he would check on the property periodically. Oh - and please make sure the Koi pond does not fill up with algae (scum is discouraged in the Hollywood Hill unless it drives a Mercedes.) Patrick, ever eager to please, agreed. It would have been better if had agreed to shave his beard with a chain saw.

As instructed, Patrick waited three days to check on the pond. When he returned to the house, he was quite dismayed to see a thick film of gunk forming on the water. Ever the dutiful agent, he immediately grabbed the algae remover, but he was baffled about how much to add. He could not reach the sellers via phone, so he poured in a small amount, and, unsure of himself, seized a what-the-hell moment and threw in some more. (Cue the chain saw.)

The following day, Patrick returned to check on the fish. To his horror, at least eight of the koi were doing the back swim. We're talking belly up, folks. Patrick went into the biggest panic of his life. He could hear the fish, in their dying breath, mumbling "Koi Killer," and "Je accuse" and "Et tu, Brute." (Apparently several fish were foreign nationals.) The Hollywood Reporter reported that one fish even left a will...

CLICK HERE FOR THE TAIL END OF A FISH TALE:

Thank you to my dear friend at Sotheby's International Realty.

Outrageous Client Moments

I heard a funny story from a colleague the other day. He said he was setting up an open house and was ready to open when he remembered to turn on the basement light. To his shock, he glanced down the stairs and was greeted by a "swarm" of chickens! According to him, there were so many chickens that they were climbing on top of each other and vying for dominance like a pack of steroidal World Wrestlers. He immediately called the seller, who explained that there had been a fire on his brother's ranch in Ojai, so they had moved the chickens to the basement the previous evening. "I guess I should have mentioned that before you arrived" the seller mumbled. He then added sheepishly, "Maybe you shouldn't look in the back yard."

It occurred to me that I had experienced a few "Oops Moments" myself, and when I asked around the office, I heard some great tales. Here are a few things the client SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED...but didn't until it was too late:

"Did you see my son's snake - it's gone." (No, but I saw an agent running North on the freeway in her high heels.)

"I should have mentioned that the back step is loose." (Tell that to Mrs. Hinkle's hip, which is now lodged in her diaphragm.)

"Did I mention we got a new alarm?" (No...did I mention that the EMT guy was cute but those paddles on my chest were no picnic?)

I guess I should have told you the toilet has been overflowing. (And I guess I should have told you I was serving La Salsa burritos at the Open House...)

FOR MORE "OOPS MOMENTS" PLEASE CLICK HERE

or visit Sherlock of Homes. blogspot.com. Thanks to everyone at Sotheby's International Realty!

Hi Everyone,

Last week I blogged about the ridiculous comments often heard in real estate. Well, one of my loyal readers, Joe Loomer, a humorist and great Agent Genius contributor, had a delightful idea: Outrageous Remarks Made by Agents About Their Clients. I did a quick survey, and here are a few hilarious remarks my fellow agents claim to have heard (no one will admit to saying them, of course):

Ten People Shouldn't Share One Brain

"I told her this was Exclusive Agency, and she said she was already under contract to Creative Artists." (So that's why you submitted a head shot with the offer!)

"The place looks like Oz - the seller let his estranged wife do the decorating." (So who did he hire as his divorce attorney - Gloria Allred?)

"My buyer needs to buy a place for himself and his girlfriend. He doesn't want his wife to know." (Does he need a good decorator?)

"The seller told me he and his wife had sex on the new granite counter top." (Great - I'm sure my buyers will find butt prints very appetizing.)

"My seller is afraid that the Wonderland murder house, which is two doors down, will discourage your buyers." (Nah - this is L.A. - they'll lie down in front of the house and take photos for Mom.)

"My buyer loves the Carole Lombard Estate...he wants to know if she was related to Vince Lombardi?" ( Yes, and Shaq and Ryan are brothers, nitwit.)

"The seller said he's throwing in his wife's Porche as a bonus." (...No doubt she'll be throwing in a Lorena Bobbit bonus .)

"My seller thinks your buyer is trying to screw her." (Does she have granite countertops?)

"The seller said his mother-in-law had a heart attack and died in the outdoor Jacuzzi."

(Remember these words: Drag and Roll, Drag and Roll, Drag and Roll.)

AND THEY GET BETTER..FOR MORE OUTRAGEOUS COMMENTS, PLEASE CLICK HERE

The Devil Made Me Say That!

Some of you may remember a blog I wrote a few months ago called Un-Real Estate - Shutta Yo Mouth, which quoted some ridiculous comments made by buyers. Well now it's time to buck up and admit that, as agents, we have often said some things that could have been better stated. And sellers have contributed some classic lines themselves. So here are examples of comments made by agents and sellers...followed by the words we maybe SHOULD have said:

Zip It, Please!

We can't go any lower. (Unless you're the governor of South Carolina)

All offers are welcome (Although we may burn them and then stick needles in a doll that looks just like you.)

That's just mildew. (Would you like to borrow my inhaler?)

The elementary school is not much of a problem. (As long as you're Marlee Matlin.)

The high school is not much of a problem either. (As long as you are Marlee Matlin and you're unconscious.)

Sure, we can sell this for more than any other home in the area. (And I can fly upside down in a cow paddy rain storm while doing the Macarena.)

Can You Handle the Truth?

How clever - a cement yard that only needs a quick wash. (Your wife needs a quick shave, and she'll still be ugly, too.)

You probably should have gotten a permit. (The sky needle on your house is interesting, but the sparks off the high wires may discourage potential buyers.)

Yes, odors are objective. (Although the corn processing plant down the street smells like infected feet and brings back fond memories of Uncle Herb, you may want to disclose it.)

No, I do not consider $150k less than list price a low ball offer. (Do you consider a slap upside the head assault and battery?)

For More Laughs, Please Click Here

A Dog's Life in Real Estate

This story made me laugh so hard that I spewed egg salad on the person who told it to me. The story involves a guy, a “frisky” dog, and a bath tub – the sellers’. At first I didn’t believe it could be true, but after checking with my dog’s vet, I found out it could have happened indeed. Just be glad this did not occur at your open house. But I would have given anything to have been there!
Not All Rules Were Made to Be Broken
Jeff was hosting a Brokers Open at his neighbor’s house, which he had just listed. The sellers had recently purchased a new dog, a young German Shepherd, whom the seller left in a cage for open house day. As Jeff was setting out listing sheets, he found it difficult to avoid the doleful eyes and the sad whimpering of the cute little canine. Although the seller had left directions that the dog be kept in the cage, Jeff, being a dog lover, decided to play with the dog briefly before his guests arrived. Having been a dog walker in college, he felt confident in his ability to control the playful pup. Note: Jeff is a dolt.
Just as the first arrivals opened the door, Jeff was putting Frisky back in the cage when the dog bolted. The other agents immediately closed the door so the little guy could not escape, but little did they know that they would become the victims of Frisky’s, uh, “excitement.” (Cue the music from “Jaws,” please.) Frisky did not run away from the agents. Noooo, he ran toward them. With overwhelming energy. And urine spewing. And tongue dripping. And paws galumphing. And uncontrollable libido. For the agents, the excitement was just beginning.
Getting a Leg Up on Things
Frisky was a humper. An uncontrollable, undiscriminating, indefatigable, obsessive, non-stop humper.

Read More

Ozzy Osbourne's Influence on Realtors

There was another rash of typos in the MLS and property ads this week that I collected for your entertainment. These descriptions can provide hours of fun. We Realtors are such a saucy group - I think we should take this show on the road. We can open for Ozzy Osbourne. He can hardly talk, and we can hardly spell. We’ll bill ourselves as “Dazed and Confused.” Who's on board?

Let The Show Begin:

Lushs back yard (Did you hear that, Uncle Timothy?)

House in movement condition (It’s enough to scare the crap out of you.)

Great Shit Pay Opp. (Another house in “movement” condition.)

Dog pack nearby (A new form of Neighborhood Watch.)

Vertical blonds (Horizontal after a few drinks.)

HOA covers water, trash, pest and pubic areas. (Just not pests in the pubic area.)

Pottery kild in shed (Psycho hiding in attic.)

New styptic (Because the purchase will bleed you dry.)

New draimage needs inspection. (Brain draimage is likely diagnosis.)

Bask in the hot sin by the pool. (An age-old Hollywood tradition.)

Lakefront with swim area marked by boubys. (Yeah, a good set sure can float.)

READ MORE

Realtors, Juggling and Juice Boxes

Agents, beware! We all know children are darn cute...but they can do more damage than a Claymore mine. They are lurking everywhere, ready to set off small explosions while flashing irresistible, angelic grins. Be especially vigilant at open houses, or YOU may be the poor sucker who ends up on a milk carton. I offer you this report as proof...
The Clock Was Ticking
Marcia is a dedicated real estate agent who tries very hard to balance her roles as mother and business woman. We all know that sometimes the real estate Gods are MIA or out playing eighteen holes, so sometimes the juggling becomes precarious. Thus was the plight of our friend, Marcia.
Marcia was packing her van for a Brokers Open when the nanny called to say she could not make it. Marcia immediately called her husband, but he was on the golf course - apparently fraternizing with the irresponsible real estate gods - so he didn't answer. Unable to rouse anyone else, she gathered up her adorable three year old son, Liam, and went off to show her listing.
Marcia was setting out a luncheon and warming quiches when Liam decided the crayons in his pocket would improve the minimalist design of the kitchen walls. Upon discovering Liam's bold mural, Marcia's voice went from zero to sixty as she reprimanded the young artist (freedom of expression for younguns be damned) and told him to eighty-six the crayons. She then grabbed the cleanser and attempted to repair the wall. As distracted Marcia tried to remove the wax road map before her, the compliant child ditched his weapons. Unfortunately, he disposed of the crayons in the sink. Clever little guy.
Beware the Silence
Believing (foolishly) that disaster had been averted...

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