The MLS Circus (Real Estate Humor)

There was a spelling circus on the MLS this week, friends. My friend from Active Rain, Kim McMahon, sent us a beauty from Chicago and colleague Marco Giancola from Ft. Lauderdale found a side-splitter. Enjoy the performance!
Under the Big Top
“Buy or tent” (Offered by Ringling Brothers Realty.)
"Foot served" (How does the other one taste?)
“Not hare Wedsday” (…But you’re a jackass today.)
“Near school an liberry” (…Then I suggest you check them out, you fruit cup.)
“Two car detected garage” (Half-brain detected on agent)
“A lot of guests parking” (This must be an L.A. rehab.)
Bring in the Clowns
“Buy now – beet rush” (Thank you for the vegetable update, potato head.)
“Central vacumme” (Perhaps you are describing your cranium?)
“This is a good by” (I suggest you say that to your career.)
“Don’t piss this one up” (That’s what I did in my pants when I read this.)
“You can’t top this house” (Have you tried calling a roofer?)
Now On The High Wire…
“Buy while interest is so low” (That’s doesn’t say much for your listing, pal.)
“Newly stagged” (Another divorce in Hollywood…)
“Nice valoo” (Is that served with chicken tandoori?)
“Tenant occupied, don’t get off in front yard” (Excuuuse me? Is this the home of Jenna Jameson?)
The Big Finale
Thanks to Kim for this Egregious Gaffe:
“VINAGE 18 units… Newr boiler porches… north of ravenswood brown line tain & short walk to river park, tuckpoint bsmt…
(Hello? Hellooo??? You with the drool on your chin - COME BACK – DON’T GO INTO THE LIGHT!!!)

For real estate listings and information, please visit me at www.LAHomesite.com

Indiana Suffers Great Loss

Please pray for the victims of the Indy State Fair disaster, and their families. And God bless the people who jumped INTO the pile of metal to try to save others. We honor your courage and selfless response to those in need. You are heros.

One More Reason Why I LOVE Laurel Canyon

Laurel Canyon has a special event on one Sunday in October every year: Laurel Canyon Photo Day. All the residents of our peaceful, mellow, rock-n-roll canyon go to The Laurel Canyon Country Store for food, music and conversation. The day ends with a giant group photo during which traffic is actually halted on busy Laurel Canyon Blvd. Come join in the fun and be part of Laurel Canyon history. Date to be announced soon!

Check out the video of last year's event:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zVpaRPzMwY

ARE YOU TAKING ADVANTAGE OF LOS ANGELES' EXCITING EVENTS?

It seems that a lot of newcomers have many questions about Los Angeles' world famous Hollywood Bowl. I can promise you from personal experience that the Bowl is an exciting venue for people of all ages. This summer, try to check out one of the many exciting shows on a calendar that reflects many genres. What's coming up Friday? Hairspray! The excitement is mounting folks, and it's not too late to get tickets.
Below is a description of the Hollywood Bowl from their website. It's as much a part of L.A. as the Walk of Fame - but more entertaining!
Cradled in the Hollywood Hills, this historic amphitheater opened in 1922 and has been the longtime summertime home of the L.A. Philharmonic and, since 1991, the resident Hollywood Bowl Orchestra. You know you've arrived when you've played the joint -- the Bowl has hosted performances by Duke Ellington, the Beatles, Billie Holiday, Jimi Hendrix, the Arcade Fire, Love, Igor Stravinsky, Aretha Franklin, Oasis, the Doors, Miles Davis, Bob Dylan, Fred Astaire, Pink Floyd, Louie Armstrong, the Rolling Stones, Vladimir Horowitz, Judy Garland, the Seeds, Frank Zappa, Barbra Streisand, Little Richard, the Carpenters, the Who, Johnny Cash and Ella Fitzgerald, among many others. The Bowl's iconic band shell has evolved over the decades, growing bigger and better during a 2004 makeover. Fans are encouraged to picnic in the Bowl and surrounding areas, and food is also available from Patina... Ticket prices range from $1 for bench seats in the back to hundreds of dollars for box seats up front. No smoking. All ages.2301 N. Highland Ave. L.A., CA 90068 Hollywood (323) 850-2000

Listings with No Lick of Sense (Real Estate Humor)

There was a lot of spit-shining needed on the MLS and in local ads this week. It seems a lot of people cannot spell in our native tongue. Thanks to my colleague, Jane Peters, for her great contribution. Take a lick, uh, ”look” at these:

Lapping It Up

“Be sure to lick up” (Rent a pack of jackals, pal – this tongue ain’t for rent!)

“Awe-inspiting views” (That’s great if you’re sitting in a dental chair.)

“Look websight for time” (One look says Happy Hour in your office has already started.)

“EZ access-God direct” (When you see Him, tell Him He forgot to give you a spelling gene.)

“Leave cad” (Too late – I divorced him.)

“Nice bird sanitary” (Sure…until they unload on your thick skull.)

Key to Success? Not!

“Don’t tak key coz I’ll know who” (What will you do – beat me to death with your sixth grade diploma?)

“Seller said really want to be close” (…same thing Arnold said to his housekeeper.)

“Laundrey in grarage” (…which is where you should park your license.)

"Big commas accent porch” (…big question mark accents your career.)

“Must apply for loan fist” (Call my Uncle Vito “The Vice” - he’s the local loan fist back in Jersey.)

“Call tanks” (…great suggestion for L.A. rush hour.)

Question (on Trulia):

“Wat middle school to send my drauather”

Answer: Dear Marshmallow Brain, My first piece of advice is: CERTAINLY NOT THE SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED! My second piece of advice is: Do not smoke a bowl and then type – the results will be distrasterass. My third piece of advice: SURE AS HELL NOT THE SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED!

My Pick of the Week:

“Will be nice if bend over” (Offered by Hollywood Casting Couch Realty.)

Death By Blogging

Okay, all you blogging animals - isn't anyone out there as exhausted from all the blogging "how-to's and must-do's" as I? I have become a bleary-eyed recluse. My computer should be buying me dinner, as it gets more action in one day than I have had in a decade!

I have blood-shot eyes and a back porch spread that makes my jeans scream in protest. My fingers are cramped and my shoulders have given way to a permanent slump. If I could turn my stiff neck, I'd probably be greeted by a dowager's hump named Gertrude. I have to ask myself: "Shouldn't I be out pressing the flesh rather than growing it?" When I cuddle up to my computer, does it really whisper sweet nothings, or is that just the wheezing from my under-used lungs? Perhaps that's just the sound of Gertrude admonishing me for my lack of interaction with anything that breathes.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Are my cyberspace friends going to rush over here to my Blog Bog and place a damp cloth to my brow when I finally fall face forward onto my keyboard? Does anyone give a rat's a__ that I moved up a notch on my points ladder this week? Am I the only person who is overwhelmed by the pressures of today's non-social networking expectations? ...Or is it simply that my last martini finally kicked in?

Does anyone else have Blogger's Blues?

Looking for homes in Los Angeles and the surrounding areas? Please visit me at www.LAhomesite.com

MOST EXCLUSIVE LOG CABIN COMPOUND EVER BUILT!!

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS? My new listing is truly amazing! It boasts 16,500sq', nine bedrooms, and nine baths. It has a spa size gym, sauna, steam room, and it even features a theatre, game room, and it's very own fully-equipped casino!

The home is located on Gull lake, just outside of Mammoth in the fishing/ski mecca of the Sierra Nevada. Asking price: $16,400,000. For a visual tour that will make you drool, please visit http://www.victorylodgeinfo.com/

Modification Woes (Some Things Are Worth Repeating)

I don't know about you, but I am on the verge of a breakdown. Why? Because I am so frustrated with the lending institutions that I have developed a drool, a twitch, and a wicked rash. I truly think the lending institutions are hindering our economic recovery. The bailout money has not translated into increased sales as far as I can see.

What I do see is a lot of bank execs with spray-on tans, new hair weaves, and fake-tooth smiles that gleam like tombstones in the California sun. Due to the drop in home values, refinancing odds are worse than the odds that Snooki will drop off the radar; and modifications are as challenging as navigating the L.A. freeways on a skateboard while wearing a blindfold.

I have observed that there is double speak in all bank dealings. Thus, I think it would be helpful to have a translation guide to understand the dubious promises being made daily by these Not-Lending institutions. Does anyone remember Jon Lovitz on Saturday Night Live ("I slept with Morgan Fairchild)? Well, Jon, I'd believe your imaginative claim before I'd believe some of the following promises (all of which I have actually heard):
For Those Just Off the Turnip Truck
* "Qualified buyers can still get a loan." (Translation: "Don't forget to rip out your kidney and staple it to your application.")
* "After you submit your loan mod package, we will reply in 30 days." (Translation: "We will mutter, ‘Hell, No, Dude' to a donut somewhere on the opposite coast, and then we will use your file as a foot stool. You have about as much chance of hearing from us as from Amelia Earhart.")
* "We have your application in our files." (Translation: "We threw your paperwork into Modification Missy's trunk. She's on her way to Vegas, but she'll get to it soon. Oh wait, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas'...and so will Missy. She's not coming back...and neither is your file. Next!")
* "We require a complete modification or short sale package." (Translation: "We require three packages - one for the shredder, another one to be left on a desk so someone can steal your pathetic identity, and one to be erroneously sent to the Foreclosure Department.")
* "We are the fastest in turnaround when you need a modification." (Translation: "Underwriter Earl (Missy's cubicle mate) will slip into his sparkling red pumps, click his heels and say, "There's no place like home, but you sure as hell ain't keepin' yours, honey!")
* "We sympathize with your situation." (Translation: "HaHaHaHaHa. Grow a set.")
* "Your file is in the hands of experts who have experience in navigating rough waters." (Translation: "Our trained negotiators were formally pirates in the Carribbean, and your ship is about to be seized.")
* "This short sale will close about thirty days after approval." (Translation: "This short sale will close about thirty days after Peter Minuit returns Manhattan Island to the Indians.")
What Happens in Banking Stays in Banking
* "All we need is one more document to complete the file." (Translation: "All we need is your remaining kidney. We lost the first one. It was last seen in Missy's trunk.")
* "We are here to help those who are struggling to pay their mortgages." (Translation: "Files of those who have stopped paying will be expedited because our values are backasswards. Thus, we encourage all applicants to blow their credit ratings, beg, and then bail.)
* "You can get your loan modified, but you cannot miss one trial payment." (Translation: "Although you cannot pay, we will string you along for as much time as we can in order to get your retirement money, and then we'll seize your home and kick grandma to the curb. Incidentally, does Granny still have her kidneys?")
* "Trial Payments are for a maximum of three months." (Translation: "Then we call them "String" payments, because we string you along until you are ready to string yourself from a tree limb. In the meantime, we will be doing the limbo to see how low we can go.")
* "The computer has given us a loan approval based on the appraisal." (Translation: "Of course, Appraisal Reviewer Rita may lower the value of the appraisal even if it comes it at value, because she must account for dismal market conditions - for which we were largely responsible and continue to be largely responsible - and because Rita must cover her arse to keep her job because she just purchased your unemployed, disabled neighbor's foreclosed home while the neighbor's sobbing children clung to her fat ankles.")
* "In order to complete this short sale, you need to contribute cash." (Translation: "Although you're losing your 20% down payment, and you lost your job and all your savings, why can't you rip the braces off the kids' teeth and sell them for scrap metal? C'mon - work with us here!")
* "I'll get back to you tomorrow." (Translation: "You'll never find me again. If you call back, you'll just get someone else who has been working here for five minutes. You will have to start all over again. You will have to tell your story to fifty more screeners and submit three more short sale packages. You will develop another tick before this is all over...and maybe even Tourette syndrome. Now excuse me, I'm on my way to Vegas with Missy, Earl and Rita...and one of your kidneys.")

"Send beds to listing agent" - Are You Asleep at the Keyboard?

We may have just taken a holiday, but there certainly was no holiday from real estate bloopers on the MLS, as well as on the web and in local ads. Georgina Hunter from beautiful Maui found a lovely blooper this week involving valves, Bruce Walter sent some great gaffes from Indiana, and Fred Glick from Philadelphia is back with Fred's Follies: Stupid Real Estate Questions From the Web. Wende Schoof from San Francisco and Jane Peters from Los Angeles also found some doozies. Please enjoy:
Pardon me?
"Send beds to listing agent" (Why bother - you're already asleep on the job.)
"Tediously maintained grounds" (Offered by Hoe-n-Hernia Realty)
"Brand New - Crowning soon" (I suggest you call your obstetrician.)
"Blank approval required" (Then look in the mirror, pal.)
"Additional guess house" (The only guess is how you got your license.)
"Sinkin living room" (Sunken career.)
"Nice Interior shed" (Lovely - an in-house outhouse designed by Jethro Clampett , your local indoor plumbing specialist.)
You've Got To be Kidding
"We can fiance you" (Good luck with that - I can't even get a date.)
"New lower pride" (I hear ya, pal. In this economy, I'd sell a skating rink to a legless corpse if I could get a signature.)
"New Pool for Sumner" (If you're referring to Sumner Redstone, he needs a new pool like I need crotch itch.)
"Nice house in Inland Umpire" (Hey, Abbott and Costello - "Who's on first?")
"Approved building plans... a $10,000 valve" (Either this is a house in the middle of Hoover Dam, or Dr Michael DeBakey is back from the dead.)
Fred's Follies (Question from Trulia)
Question: "i am realtor i was wandering how can get listings becuse had work before"
Answer: Dear Idiot, I suspect it is your mind that is wandering. I suggest you remove the icepick from your cranium before you honk and proceed. You mentioned that you "had work before." I am sorry to inform you that weaving baskets on Ward 6 doesn't qualify you for anything other than politics. In Washington, confusion is an art form, and you are a natural. Good luck - you have my vote.

"Bd Pans Included" - Goofs That Will Make You Soil Your Shorts

I have two things to say this week: 1। When you drink, you can't think। 2। When you drink you can't- ... uh, what was I saying? Oh, yes - the MLS. It was so full of bloopers this week that I am led to conclude that happy hour started Monday and never stopped. Read these and tell me if it is any wonder I was driven to throw back a few martinis myself:

Booze 'N' Fools

"Free membership to gin inc" (It seems someone else beat us to it, Martini Mary.)
"Grab now use imagination" (That's what Arnold said to his housekeeper.)
"House has new edition" (Agent lacks erudition.)
"Babblying broke runs in back" (Bumbling buffoon runs amuck.)
"Drop by for cocktail ho" (Oh, is the Sunset Strip for sale?)

Puff 'N' Stuff

"Near Sacramento airpot" (I believe his name is Jerry Brown.)
"Claw me for selling" (I'm too busy clawing my eyes out over your spelling.)
"Reduction on mid-century ner Holywod" (Another mid-sixties porn star is looking for work.)
"We can sake your home" (Can I get fried rice with my sake?)
Proof or Goof

"Nice streem" (Said Grandma to Grandpa after his diaper exploded.)
"Nice for dog kids" (Uh, they're called 'puppies," pal.)
"Bd pans included" (Thank you, Nurse Nancy - can you warm those first?)
"Good stable in neighborhood." (Have you contacted Mary and Joseph?)
"Drawing for plasma" (Is this a blood-bank?)
And This Week's Winner Is:

"Good school in areola" (Thanks for keeping me abreast of things.)

PROOF OR GOOF, FRIENDS - I'M WATCHING EWE :)

VICTORY LODGE - A LAKESIDE TROPHY RESIDENCE IN A FISHING AND SKIING PARADISE!

GWEN BANTA AND SOTHEBY'S INTERNATIONAL REALTY PRESENTS: "VICTORY LODGE"

333 Leonard St, June Lake (Mammoth Lakes), CA

One of the largest and most exclusive hand-hewn log homes in existence, this magnificent estate is set in the Eastern Sierras in a world class fishing and skiing paradise. A truly magnificent home that could never be duplicated!

Located in the renowned June Lake area of Mammoth Lakes, California, the designer-done 9 bd/9.5 ba residence is 16,500 sq' and offers almost every amenity desirable.

Features include: Exquisite public rooms overlooking Gull Lake, Chef's kitchen, 11 fireplaces, hand-carved detailing, spa-size sauna, two steam rooms, equipped gym, Sports Court, Crestron "Smart house" security, theatre/media room, equipped game room, casino, caretakers quarters, eight car covered parking, heated driveways, log tree house, and expansive decks to capture breathtaking lake and mountain views. Every detail is remarkable. The purchase includes antiques and unique furnishings worth over $1M.

This impressive estate was built for casual living in a fishing and skiing mecca just minutes from the celebrity sports playground of Mammoth. Protected lakeside land insures unobstructed views. This is a TROPHY RESIDENCE that must be experienced. Previews graciously provided to approved buyers.

FOR PHOTO SHOW CLICK HERE

Proudly Offered At: $16,400,000. WWW.LAhomesite.com

Hoops and Corn Dogs - The Phenomenon of Hoosier Hysteria

The NCAA and March Madness

If ever there was a time to try to explain the effects of March Madness on Indiana, it is now. For those of you who have not been reading the paper, watching television, or listening to the whoops echoing over the entire Midwest, you have missed out on a phenomenon known as HOOSIER HYSTERIA. Yes, the Hoosier State of Indiana LOVES basketball. And who is better suited to provide Hoosiers - and the world - with heart-stopping basketball but the mighty Butler University Bulldogs?

Cinderella Goes To The Ball

Although Indiana, birthplace of basketball great Larry Bird and once home to former I.U. coaching legend Bobby Knight, is a state from which we have come to expect great college basketball, Butler is truly a Cinderella story.

This school of only 4200 - my Alma Mater - consistently delivers a team with bulldog hearts, high academics, and gentlemanly, albeit ferocious, game. Last year Butler, underdog to the much bigger competitive schools, made it to the NCAA finals in spite of the odds. In a riveting play-off game, the Bulldogs hung on until the last second when a half-court shot by Gordon Hayward bounced off the glass just as the buzzer announced the crushing Bulldog defeat. The fact that Butler had made it all the way to the just-shy-of-glorious end, with shorter and younger players, was more than admirable - it was the stuff from which legends are made.

This year the number eight seeded Bulldogs are back to play out the final chapter of the legend. Yes, they are once again in the playoffs, having just triumphed in a heart-stopping overtime "Elite Eight" game against the number two seeded, very talented Florida Gators. As the Bulldogs rallied to a 74-71 win, hearts broke all over Florida. Indiana, on the other hand, was high-fiving corn dogs and screaming "Booyah!" My friends there tell me there were horns blowing all over town, and neighbors were in the streets hugging each other. The excitement of the Bulldog performance swept the state with more force than a summer tornado.

The Pride and the Passion

Why is it that Hoosier Hysteria exists in the first place? What is it with Hoosiers and their basketball? In my opinion, Hoosier Hysteria is a result of something very basic to that state. Indiana is a warm and friendly place that supports family...and good Hoosier values. And what better to value than the lessons learned from healthy sports competition? Hoosiers raise their kids to be polite, to play fair, to believe in miracles, and to relish the challenge of a tough fight. They teach their kids to be steady and consistent (unlike the often harsh Indiana weather that changes every five minutes). And they teach them to be tough. A Hoosier will politely say, "Excuse me, sir" just before trampling a bone-crushing opponent with more force than a John Deere tractor.

Hoosiers have a belief in themselves as champions. The residents support their players, and the players give back with every ounce of energy they can muster. Hoosiers give great basketball because they know how to give of themselves. Hoosier Hysteria exists, because Hoosiers have heart. And if you want to see a bunch of great kids play with more heart than you knew was possible - watch the Butler Bulldogs in the Final Four game. You will quickly realize that Hoosier Hysteria is more than an Indiana phenomenon - it's the apotheosis of Hope and Possibility - something we all need these days.

Yes, I said it folks - I, the fairly liberal Democrat living in the wild and wacky state of California just said it: We all could use a little Indiana HEART!

WATCH BUTLER IN THE FINAL FOUR GAME THIS SATURDAY WHEN THEY MEET VCU AT 3:00 PM!

Has Real Estate Gone To The Dogs?

Do you remember the terrible moment in baseball at Shea Stadium in 1986 when the Red Sox World Series win went between Bill Buckner’s legs?

It was Game 6, Red Sox vs. Mets, and the Sox were up three games to two, leading 5-3 with two outs in the bottom of the 10th. Then, the Mets scored three singles. Mookie Wilson hit a grounder to Bill Buckner at first, and the ball went right through his legs , allowing the winning run. It was a sad, sad moment in baseball, friends. And there were some sad moments in the MLS again this week – wild pitches and blatant fouls that could rival Buckner’s famous gaff:

Let The Game Begin

“Patio doors has built-in blonds” (So does the Sigma Chi house at UCLA.)

“FP has gas and legs” (So does my Uncle Paddy, and he’s usually lit, too.)

“Picturass setting” (Okay…I am picturing my a__ on a beach tossing down the margaritas.)

Who’s On First?

“Slider stuck butt open” (Uh, maybe you should see a proctologist about that.)

“Drawing 4 Tickets for Super Bowel” (This explains the “stuck butt open.”)

“Garage with auto open. Remote is lost, door won’t open. Can open. Now closed.” (Can anyone say “schizophrenia”?)

“Window w/ broads will be replaced” (This must be the Sigma Chi house again…)

Bench That Dude!

“Bar and Murphy bled in basement” (Ouch – did Murphy get drunk fall off a bar stool like Uncle Paddy?)

“Rose gardeng in back” (Rose must be a Rottweiler.)

“New guts & rain-chains everywhere” (I believe that’s called lap-band surgery)

“Open Canceled- jersy duty” (Yeah, everyone does time in Jersey sooner or later…)

Three Strikes And You’re Out, Pal!

“Tenants movement scheduled.” (There’s certainly something to be said for being regular…)

“Safe, quiet street to love on” (I wish I had known about this place in high school…)

“Top-end Fridgidhare appliances” (Have the hares tried Viagra?)

And For The Nose Bleed Section

“Turn right, drownhill from thare” (A bit like your career, huh?)

Lender Loops and Hoops - Holding on To My Last Bit of Sanity

I don’t know about you, but I am on the verge of a breakdown. Why? Because I am so frustrated with the lending institutions that I have developed a drool, a twitch, and a wicked rash. I truly think the lending institutions are hindering our economic recovery. The bailout money is not translating into increased sales as far as I can see. What I do see is a lot of bank execs with spray on tans, new hair weaves, and fake-tooth smiles that gleam like tombstones in the California sun. Due to the drop in home values, refinancing odds are worse than the odds that Ms. Lohan will drop off the radar, keep her clothes on, and join a nunnery. And modifications are as challenging as navigating the L.A. freeways on a skateboard while wearing a blindfold.

I have observed that there is double speak in all bank dealings. Thus, I think it would be helpful to have a translation guide to understand the dubious promises being made daily by these Not-Lending institutions. Does anyone remember Jon Lovitz on Saturday Night Live (“I slept with Morgan Fairchild)? Well, Jon, I’d believe your imaginative claim before I’d believe some of the following promises (all of which I have actually heard):

For Those Just Off the Turnip Truck
1.“Qualified buyers can still get a loan.” (Translation: “Don’t forget to rip out your kidney and staple it to your application.”)
2.“After you submit your loan mod package, we will reply in 30 days.” (Translation: “We will mutter, ‘Hell, No, Dude’ to a donut somewhere on the opposite coast, and then we will use your file as a foot stool. You have about as much chance of hearing from us as from Amelia Earhart.”)
3.“We have your client’s application in our files.” (Translation: “We threw your paperwork into Modification Missy’s trunk. She’s on her way to Vegas, but she’ll get to it soon. Oh wait, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’…and so will Missy. She’s not coming back…and neither is your file. Next!”)
4.“We require a complete modification or short sale package.” (Translation: “We require three packages – one for the shredder, another one to be left on a desk so someone can steal your pathetic identity, and one to be erroneously sent to the Foreclosure Department.”)
5.“We are the fastest in turnaround when your buyers need a loan.” (Translation: “Underwriter Earl (Missy’s cubicle mate) will slip into his sparkling red pumps, click them together, turn around three times, and squeal, ‘There’s no place like home…and your client sure as hell ain’t gettin’ one, honey!”)
6.“We sympathize with your client’s situation.” (Translation: “HaHaHaHaHa. Tell him to grow a set.”)
7.“Your client’s file is in the hands of experts who have experience in navigating rough waters.” (Translation: “Our trained negotiators were formally pirates in the Carribbean, and your client’s ship is about to be seized.”)
8.“This short sale will close about thirty days after approval.” (Translation: “This short sale will close about thirty days after Peter Minuit returns Manhattan Island to the Indians.”)

What Happens in Banking Stays in Banking

1.“All we need is one more document to complete the file.” (Translation: “All we need is your remaining kidney. We lost the first one. It was last seen in Missy’s trunk.”)
2.“We are here to help those who are struggling to pay their mortgages.” (Translation: “Files of those who have stopped paying will be expedited because our values are backasswards. Thus, we encourage all applicants to blow their credit ratings. It’s trendy! By the way, didya notice my sparkling new chompers?”)
3.“Your client has a chance to get his loan modified, but he cannot miss one trial payment.” (Translation: “Although he cannot pay, we will string him along for as much time as we can in order to get his savings and retirement money before seizing his home and kicking grandma to the curb. Incidentally, does Granny still have her kidneys?”)
4.“Trial Payments are for a maximum of three months.” (Translation: “Then we call them “String” payments, because we string you along until you are ready to string yourself from a tree limb. In the meantime, we will be doing the limbo to see how low we can go.”)
5.“The computer has given us a loan approval based on the appraisal.” (Translation: “Of course, Appraisal Reviewer Rita may lower the value of the appraisal even if it comes it at value, because she must account for dismal market conditions – for which we were largely responsible and continue to be largely responsible – and because Rita must cover her arse to keep her job because she just purchased your unemployed, disabled neighbor’s foreclosed home while the neighbor’s sobbing children clung to her fat ankles.”)
6. “In order to complete this short sale, your client needs to contribute cash.” (Translation: “Although the guy is losing his 20% down payment, has lost his job and has no money at all, why can’t he rip the braces off his kids’ teeth and sell them for scrap metal? C’mon – work with us here!”)
7.“I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” (Translation: “You’ll never find me again. If you call back, you’ll just get someone else who has been working here for five minutes. You will have to start all over again. You will have to tell your story to fifty more screeners and submit three more short sale packages. You will develop another tick before this is all over…and maybe even Tourette syndrome. Now excuse me, I’m on my way to Vegas with Missy, Earl and Rita…and one of your kidneys.”)