Real Estate Humor: Could You sell This Turkey?

Attention all salespersons: It’s time to take a test to determine how good a salesperson you really are. Could you sell a house that’s a 10 on the Suckometer? If you get all the answers right, you will receive a can of Spam. Or not…

1. The house is devoid of natural light, so you: a) turn on all the lights b) pass out BIC lighters and tell everyone U2 might drop by c) install the disco ball light you won playing Bingo in 1972 and yell, ”Let’s get down!”

2. The house lacks color, so you: a) bring in greenery from the yard to brighten the room b) give a vacation slide show on the living room wall, or c) place a green leprechaun in the corner and paint his lips hooker red

3. There is an unsightly hole in the wall next to the couch, and thus you: a) suggest that the prospective buyer ask for credit or repair b) push the Lazy Boy (the chair, not your teenage kid) in front of the hole or c) stuff the leprechaun into the hole and tell him to stifle it.

4. You forgot to print the ever-so-important hand out materials, so you: a) distribute your business cards b) distribute the seller’s Playboy magazines c) distribute your S.A.G. resume and headshots, which any good L.A. agent always keeps in his trunk

5. The view is by far the only nice thing about the house, so you: a) set up the refreshment table on the patio to lead visitors outside b) put police tape over the doors of all the ugly rooms, or c) pass out binoculars and tell everyone there’s a naked couple in the pool down the hill.

6. There is mold on the bathroom wall, so you: a) disclose it and suggest that the buyer ask for credit or abatement b) bring in the neighbor’s kids to paint a mural around it or c) explain to the prospective buyer that it is holistic Velcro wallpaper

7. You forgot your portable CD player to assist in creating the perfect ambience, so you: a) Ask the seller permission to use the stereo b) invite visitors to your car to listen to your commercial voice tape or c) make the leprechaun sing, “Oh Danny Boy” (from his hole in the wall, of course)

8. Knowing that scent is a powerful sales tool you: a) heat brownies in the oven during the open house b) smoke a cigar so everyone can enjoy the rich tobacco aroma or c) slap a fish on the burner and set some cheese aflame

9. Beverages are important of course, so you: a) bring a selection of designer water, tea, coffee and punch b) offer everyone a swig of joe from your Home Depot thermos, or c) lace the punch with vodka so everyone will stop asking about the leprechaun stuck in the wall

10. (FOR THE GRAND FINALE, PLEASE CLICK HERE) OR VISIT

WWW.SHERLOCKOFHOMES.COM

R.E.SALES HOLLYWOOD STYLE

For quite some time I have been collecting misspelled names of people and well-known places in our area. Sometimes the misspellings are even better than the actual names. Others, however, are just plain funny. Who could possibly argue that "Blurbank" Airport wouldn't be a better name for that smog covered destination spot? And "Universaltile" Studios kind of says it all, doesn't it? Please enjoy:

Selling in the Land of Oz

"Designed by Frank Lord Wright" (Yes, some thought he was a god...)

"New Thermaldoor Fridge" (This actually make sense...if you plan to wear the door to go skiing.)
"Pt. Doom in Malibu" (That's Dune...unless you're the Grim Reaper.)

"Studio in Sliverlake" (That's Silverlake...although there is barely a sliver of water.)

"Near the beach in beautiful Belmont Sore" (Where the water obviously breeds contagions...)

"Views of Gotty Museum" (That's Getty...unless you're referring to a butcher shop in Jersey. )

"Lorna Ashley Prints" (Lorna Luft married Ashley Simpson and created this line of fabrics. They later created a cookie called Lorna Doone. "Lorna Doom" if you are in Malibu of course.)

"Beverlywould" (That's Beverlywood. Or would Beverly? Bev? Bev? Wouldya Bev?)

History 101

"Grivith Park" (That's Griffith Park - Purchased by Melanie, of course, right after she married Andy Griffith and gave birth to Opie, who changed his name to Ron Howard right after the Aunt Bea-Gomer scandal. No wonder Ron lost his hair.)

"Marina DelRoy" (It used to be Marina Del Rey until actor Delroy Lindo won the marina in a floating crap game. The floating crap was in the harbor.)

"Whiter" (This was Whittier...until it turned a Whiter Shade of Pale.)

"Handcock Park" (Seriously??? That's Hancock, you pervert!)

"Near LAXE" (Los Angeles Airport - renamed because flying out of this airport is sure to make you s__t your shorts.)

"Splanish Ranch in Asusa" (Gesundheit! That's Azusa - as in "A to Z in the USA . Does that 'splain things? )

PLEASE CLICK HERE FOR MORE "SALES IN THE LAND OF OZ"

"Marble Floor - Great for Clogging" - MLS Laughs

Beware all agents: My loyal spies and I are watching everything you put in print. Why? Because real estate ads can be more fun than a whoopee cushion! We found another batch of blatant bloopers that will set February into full swing. Here we go again - jump onto the MLS Malapropism Merry-go-round and enjoy the ride:

The Demise of Webster and Roget

"House near Malibu Whinery" (Buy a bunk near the Drunk n Funk)

"Bambo floors" (Bimbo Agent)

"Paneling made of imported Europein wood" (If you're a peein,' Ima leavin'.')

"Delicious abbatizers served" (Cue the Abba music: "You are the dancing queen...")

"A real diamond in the rust." (...And a water intrusion problem, it seems.)

"New flushing installed in back for drainage." (I believe that's called an outhouse.)

How am I Doing Now?

"After stop at Sixes Tavern, turn left, then right, cross tracks and wind uphill." (This must be the sobriety test AFTER the stop at Sixes Tavern.)

"Chandeleer & other fizures stay" (Home for sale in prime San Andreas Estates)

"Ranch with beautiful hillslide view" (Welcome to Avalanche Ranch)

"Property line goes to last swill" (Agent apparently does also.)

"House on pile ons" (Must be near the ranch with the hillslide view.)

"Near Beverly Hills Hortel" (Enough said.)

Too Much Information, Bozo

"Please don't ask seller about the hole in the wall." (And shall I also ignore the arrow in his forehead?)

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE:

A GLITCH IN THE PITCH

If you thought the MLS was full of color and confusion, check out these gems from area newspapers and online real estate sites. Is there a glitch in YOUR pitch?

For Those Who Want Only the Best

"Must see this germ to believe it!" (...said the agent with infectious enthusiasm.)

"Five bedrooms great for parties (Offered by The King of Swing)

"New drips in gardenr" (Penicillin will do the killin.")

"Please remove shoes before woking on carpet." (A stir-fry buy.)

"Let's make deal and celibate." (This must be a nunnery with no funnery.)

"Minimalist design w/ sleek lines. Even your fuzziest buyers will love it."(Let me guess...a hamster wheel?)

Don't Count on Multiple Offers...

"Big closet and another area for hanging." (Presenting the Benedict Arnold Suite. )

"Stable area. Avoid sink hole on Laurel." (Avoid morons who use oxymorons.)

"Cervical driveway accommodates 4 cars." (I think there's a surgery for that.)

"Top of the loin appliances" (Ahhh...so it has built in plumbing?)

THE BEST IS YET TO COME - PLEASE CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE:

The Madcap MLS!

Well folks, we have started off the New Year with a bang...or is it a bong? The MLS and the Real Estate ads are teeming with hilarious misspellings and bizarre descriptions. I suspect we will have a year full of delicious faux pas. (I suppose that would that be written as Fox Paws in MLS-speak.) Please enjoy:

SALES PITCHES RUN AMUCK:

"Kitchen with trash contractor" (For those who want to buy a dump...)

"Wine seller in basement" (Does anyone know he's missing?)

"Must submit proof of funs" (How ‘bout a photo of me on a ferris wheel?)

"Status reneged daily" (Please s__t or get off the pot...)

"Dank hardwood floors thrugout" (Offered by Smelly McSpelly)

"Full frontal and back landscaping" (Calling Dr. Freud...)

"Gracias living space" (Ole'!)

"244 hr notice required - Hurry - will go fast!" (Frankly, I think it's going nowhere.)

KINKY AND STINKY

"Stunning hurse ranch" (We wrangle the dead)

"Canceled - seller says small gas problem" (It's only small when you're not on the receiving end, pal.)

"Master dick overlooks fountain" (OMG - even I won't go there!)

"Tandem area - bedroom option" (How kinky-dink!)

"Large kitchen offers fever views" (Starve a fever, feed a cold.)

"You'll be peasantly surprised" (So was Marie Antoinette...)

"Only beast materials used" (Note to self: "Call PETA and keep my dog close.)

"Two story turkey home" (That's called a poultry farm, bozo...)

"Call for HO and assessment info" (Or just cruise down Hollywood Blvd....)

AND THEY JUST KEEP COMING...

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Fetch Me a Cold one

It's been another week of marvelous MLS bloopers, friends. Sit back, prop up those tired feet, and have a few laughs. Some of these come straight from the Guinness Book of Bloopers. (That's Guinness, as in the Irish ale. I think a few of these agents must chug that stuff.)

Order Me Another

"Beautiful Curved Spinal Staircase" - (That's called scoliosis, bozo.)

"Three Stunning Decks, Two Walking Closets" (And a partridge in a pear tree.)

"Mother died - Sellers committed" (Pushing Daisies and Bag-o-Crazies)

"Buyers are Certifiable" (Margot Kidder and Anne Heche must be home shopping)

"Bar w/ bankok seating" (Happy hour special: Mai Thais.)

"House on peers" (Cue the music and tell ‘em, Mick: "Don't wanna be your beast of burden...")

"New pipes and antiseptic system (We ream ‘em then clean ‘em)

"Small criminal activity" (I think they prefer the term "little people")

Bottoms Up

"Peek-a-boop city view in main bath" (Referred to as a boop-n-poop.)

"Remodelvated master" (Retarderated listing agent.)

"Plse be confederate of tenants" (...Or what - will they file a Civil War suit?)

"Own a piece of heathen" (I'd prefer a whole heathen - I need a date for New Year.)

Last Call:

PLEASE CLICK HERE FOR MORE MLS BLOOPERS

Best Real Estate Laughs of the Year

Yes, this is the time of year when we should have nothing but love in our hearts. But you all know me well by now: Take one shot of satire, mix with the greatest office tales one could ever gather, shake gently, and then serve straight up (followed by a few real martini chasers). These are the best dumb real estate questions reported to me this year. Enjoy yourselves while I pour another martini - salud!

They Must Only Let You Out on Weekends

1) "The sellers did not disclose that the neighbor is a drunk, and he passed out on our front lawn. Can we sue the previous owner?" (Hmmm...let me check the drunk clause in your contract. Oh, here it is right here: It says, "You're an idiot.")

2) "Will the sellers be taking the septic with them?" ( Not unless they have S__t for Brains and are in the fertilizer business.)

3) "Can we put a window over the fireplace to increase the light?" (Great idea, and then you won't have to pay for your dead canary to go to college..."

4) "Will the lender let us move in and then defer the mortgage payments until after we do some decorating?" (Of course, Mr. and Mrs. Whackadoodle - I'm sure your happiness is payment enough.)

5) "Can I put up my Rolex as a good faith deposit?" (Certainly - why don't jump into the ‘ol VW bus and drive it over to the lender with an ounce of that pot you've been smoking?)

Home Features and Strange Creatures

6) "Does the garage come with the house?" (Yes, but that family room is going to cost you extra.)

7) "I thought a ‘Jack and Jill' was slang for a ‘well.'" (No, it's a Hollywood dating ritual wherein...


PLEASE CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE - THE BEST IS YET TO COME!