Shot Yourself In The Foot, Huh?

This post was inspired by a recent conversation with an agent who told me that the house on the hill above was slipping, "but only a little." I live in earthquake territory, folks. There's no such thing as "slipping a little." That's like being "partially pregnant." Thus, I asked around and gathered some contributions to the Words to Avoid list. Please enjoy:

First, the Absurd...

"Oh, heck, we all grew up with black mold." (Is that why your eyes roll inward and your tongue hangs out?)

"They had a pot-bellied pig that ruined the carpet." (I had a pot-bellied husband that ruined the couch.)

"The old lady next door is crazy but nice." (So I should ignore the drooling face in the window?)

"The place was busted because the owner's father had a brewery in the basement." (No problem - my grandmother had a meth lab in the bathroom.)

"The heating lamp in the bathroom needs attention." (No wonder your hair is on fire.)

"This was used as a grow house." (No wonder I have the munchies.)

"The four dogs next door seldom ever bark." (Then I will "seldom" ever use my tranquilizer darts.)

"The lights flicker and dim sometimes, but it's nothing to worry about." (Said the warden on Death Row.)

"It may be showing some wear and tear, but it's obviously not going anywhere." (Said the Captain of the Titanic.)

And now, the Sublime...

"A little baking soda will get rid of the smell." (But will it get rid of the sellers' bad taste?)

"The lime in the crawl space is to absorb moisture." (So what's with the hatchet and the duct tape, Lizzie Bordon?)

"The odor was from something that got trapped in the crawl space." (Is the listing agent missing?)

"Although it's filthy, they never had vermin." (Oh yeah...that explains the 14 morbidly obese cats.)

"The house isn't bolted, but it's very secure." (No problem -The buyer is with Indymac - they're very secure.)

"His score is low...but he's working on it." (My patience is low...so get outta my face.)

"That's a pine cone in the pool." (And I suppose that's lemonade in the toilet.)

"The cracks in the foundation are small." (So is our offer.)

"You should see the garden when it's lit." (You should see my uncle when he's lit...)

"Can I still get zero per cent financing?" (Let me explain the signs of mercury poisoning and its effects on the brain...)

"The soggy area above the septic tank is from the sprinklers" (Uh-huh, so why are you so full of crap?)

"All those steps will keep you in shape." (Then why are you carrying that defibrillator?)

"The pool leaks." (So does my Aunt Bea when she sneezes.)

"The lawn sprinklers don't work." (Then call Aunt Bea and ask her to sneeze.)

And Those Words We Hear Most Often:

"Can you reduce the size of your commission?" (About as easily as I can reduce the size of my butt.)

"It's been sitting for months with no activity!" (So did my Aunt Bea, when the neighbor stole her walker.)

"I know we've been looking at homes for a year, but we're backing out of escrow." (Fine. Now grab this frayed wire and touch your tongue to this metal pole and...)

Please visit me at http://www.lahomesite.com/. And thanks to my colleagues at Sotheby's International Realty and my friends at Coldwell Banker and Keller Williams for all your funny stories.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Why Winos Shouldn't List Houses

Hi Friends - Recently I have had a number of requests for my "Wino Post." (Thank you, dear readers!) This one was the official launch of my MLS BLOOPERS BLOG. Look for a new one on Friday, but in the meantime, here is the original, back by popular demand:

The MLS and the L.A. Times Real Estate pages should be on Oprah's Reading List. Seriously. There are so many typos and outrageous remarks in the MLS that it makes for great leisure reading. The newspaper ads certainly add to the merriment. I love houses with features such as a "slimming pool" or a "crook's kitchen," especially if those features are in a "Post and Bean" house. And what could be more entertaining than a "barge yard" (for your barges of course) or a "wall of widows?" Thus, I have compiled some of my favorite typos. So take a moment to smile, fiends. (Uh, I meant "friends.")

Would You Buy This House???

Large slitting room (Is this Tony Soprano's house?)

House on Beautiful wok street (But what if I don't cook?)

"Libary" with built in shivs (In all fairness, perhaps this is in a prison.)

Disclosure: Crack on back side (Relax, we all have one.)

Call lasting agent (It's true, there aren't many of us left!)

Oven flew in from Italy (Paid for with frequent flyer miles, no doubt.)

Built in wino bar (Is there a stool with my name on it?)

Lunch severed (One misplaced r and you're dead.)

Snacks and drunks okay... (My sentiments exactly.)

Bang hard (Let's just not go there).

Let's Sell This Sucker

Seller moved but furniture strayed (In most states that's grounds for divorce.)

Brick Drivaway (Mama Mia - Those bricks must have flown in from Italy with the oven.)

Seller in NY - Coming out soon (Okay, this was in West Hollywood...think about it.)

Plumbing needs motivation (Way too much information.)

Seller says Gas is a problem (His plumbing must "need motivation" also.)

Terrorist yard (Another head-scratcher.)

Pouter room (A place to go when the first payment is due)

Call Frist (Will the Senator filibuster for me?)

Beautiful terpentine tiles in shower (Note to self: Do Not Smoke in the Shower.)

Rear entry blocked off (Eat prunes already.)

Pieceful feeling (Especially when in the shiv room)

Seller can't say no (Neither could my ex...hence the "ex.")

Weird and Random

Rooster somewhere in the neighborhood, but not for long. (Need I say more?)

Screams reported at twilight open house were coyotes we think. (Or a rooster perhaps?)

The foundation bolted (But the house stayed???)

Grass fireplace starter (For a home on the tundra...)

Owner says dog likes the taste of people. (What are his thoughts on fresh rooster?)

Built-in smoker (Grandpa won't leave.)

Strange glass windows (I'm too dumb to make this stuff up.)

Cemetery nearby (This guy really knows how to close the deal.)

Ass is (Seriously? ...I mean SERIOUSLY?)

Agents to be split down the middle. (One screw up with a Tudor and suddenly you're on the rack!)

No smaking please (But you deserve one upside your thick head.)

Close to Therapy, Rehab and Shopping (One of those choices is bound to work.)

Designer Don. (A decorating offer you can't refuse!)

And in Case You Need Your Own Motivation:

Call then go. But call again if you can't get in. Then try again. (Fool me once...fool me twice...)

Call for show times. No kids. Seller may be there and can't handle anything less than four feet tall. (Hey Bozo - half the kids in Hollywood can probably afford to buy your dump!)

Seller says he'll give dog to buyer. Check with city for past complaints. Cute dog. (Uh-huh.)

Does anyone want a noisy bird? (To feed to a "cute dog" maybe...)

Hysterical Home (Is it in the Hysterectomy Books?)

Recently bombed for fleas. (That may have been overkill.)

Marina Del Ray houseboat w/ great living style. Ask about leaks and other issues. (Uh-huh...)

Biggest Sellers, So take Note:

No earthquake insurance. But this is a few miles from the San Andreas Fault so you'll be fine. (Good to know...IF YOU'RE SUICIDAL!)

Voted Safest Neighborhood until last year. (So I take it the chalk outline has some significance?)

Driveway is shared, but other party doesn't share too good. (That explains why the chalk outline is in the driveway.)

Neighbor on N. side is nasty. You've been warned. (Yes - I saw the driveway...)

And My Faves

Seller leaving state, Going to State of Denial. Kidding. It's just a bad market.

Okay, so I know what you all are thinking: Los Angeles is not a state of mind...it's a mindless state. But at least we are colorful and constipated. I mean consistent. Until next week, go in piece.

"BOOBIES PROVIDED"? For more Laughter, Please Check Out: http://activerain.com/blogsview/1667865/-boobies-provided-the-mls-comedy-tour

Contact Gwen by clicking here

Have a Cup of Shut Up

Recently a Mortgage Broker told me he could "request a specific appraiser and make sure the appraisal comes in at contract price." First of all, pal, I hear that HVCC Jail is a lot like Joliet Prison, but the male inmates aren't as pretty. And secondly, what the h_ll were you thinking when you said that??? Okay, I agree there are certain phrases and questions we have all heard or used in real estate that no longer apply. Or if they do, they have a new meaning. Thus, we need to think before we rattle off the old phrases that used to slip so easily off our forked tongues. This is my take on "Don't Say It Just Because You Thunk It":

Don't Say It Just Because You Thunk It

"You can always turn it for a profit!" (Thank you, Heidi Fleiss.)

"Maybe the lender will pay the buyers closing costs." (And maybe I'll find George Clooney in my Christmas pantyhose. Uh, I mean stocking.)

"Don't worry - the bank doesn't want your house." (Are you high??? Can you say "TARP bailout incentives?")

"Anybody can make money in real estate." (...Said the CEO of Bear Stearns while strapping on his Golden Parachute.)

"We'll have complete loan approval in 17 days." (...Provided your mortgage broker can make bail.)

Don't Press Your Luck, Pal

"The house isn't bolted, but it's still standing." (So is David Hasselhoff, but I wouldn't give him my car keys...)

"You can't build too many." (Yes, Mr. Ford. ...Uh, you say that's called an "Edsel"?)

"I'd like some of your commission as an incentive." (And I'd like one of your kidneys so I can drink more.)

"Are they offering any buyer incentives?" (Let's see - low rates, low prices...or are we talking about my kidneys again?)

"Speak with the guy next door. I doubt if he'll mind a dog run on the easement." (Of course not - he'll have a better shot from there.)

"Does the buyer expect me to give the damn thing away?" (I believe that's what "Father of the Bride" means, Mr. Clinton.)

"Maybe the neighbor will let you remove the old fence. " (He may let you remove his old lady, too, but I wouldn't recommend it.)

"I do not want a house unless it offers lots of privacy." (I love your sense of humor, Mrs. Obama.)

Need I Say the Word "OBVIOUS"?

"Are there any fixers in Malibu?" (Sure - Charlie Sheen, Mel, the toothless singer-lady, the guy with the aluminum foil hat....)

"Everything in the house is state-of-the-art" (WHOSE art? Since when is a monkey beating on a pan an effective alarm system?)

FOR MORE "THUNKERS," PLEASE CLICK HERE

How To Lose Your Pants With a Smile

Ah, yes, folks - it was a great 4th with sunshine, bar-be-ques, brewskies, and enough grammar and spelling pandemonium on the MLS to set off fireworks. These are the best of the bunch - a metaphorical fireworks grand finale, full of shock and awe!

Hold Onto Your Shorts!

"Include Shorts in clean Package" (Hey pervert sniffer-boy, get your own skivvies!)

"Shunny new kichen with barr" ( Shomeone's shnockered on schnapps...)

"Pool with sin deck - very nice!" (Uh, methinks a pool with sin deck is considered VICE.)

"Will look at offers from non-prophets first" (Oh, honey, you must sell real estate in Malibu...)

"Near park with many haking trails" (Calling Lizzie Borden...your hatchet is ready.)

"New restraining wall" (Believe me...I'm restraining myself now!)

It Always Leads Back to Jersey...

"Cooler comes with house" (Uh, if this is the Jersey hitman kind of cooler, then we've finally located uncle Vito.)

"New Homeowners Assascionation" (Hey Uncle Vito, business must be booming!)

"Leaded gass in lawyer's library stays" (Yeah, that smell does tend to linger...)

"State o f art alarm" (Is it hooked up in the Lawyer's Library?)

"Murial on wall in dining area" (Murial's husband in San Quentin doing One Hundred to Life...with Uncle Vito's driver.)

"Nice new gym with custom pain" (No pain, no gain, right Vito?)

"Building has good HO" (Gre-a-a-t...everyone loves a hooker with a heart.)

FOR THE GRAND FINALE, PLEASE CLICK HERE!

Real Estate Humor - A Fertile Field For Freud!

Sometimes I think the subconscious mind is controlling our typing, while the conscious mind is watching old Seinfeld and Family Guy reruns. Maybe Dr. Freud could explain some of these hilarious Los Angeles area postings in the MLS that range from weird spellings to oddball comments.

See if you can figure out what these agents are trying to say. But...if you are one of the agents who posted these listing remarks, call your therapist!

Carl Jung and Then Some:

"Do not go before calling - god bites." (That beats burning in the depths of hell.)

"Do not disturb occupunks" (The headstone of Sid Vicious?)

"Seller won't pay to test septic - says he's cleaned out." (Apparently seller ran a router through his down-spouter.)

"Wine and cheesey balls served." (Uh, pardon me, Mr. Limburger, are these yours?")

"Buyer who shows the most gets reward." (Seriously, dude, laughing at you is reward enough!)

"Master with sauna and new hit tub" (A Jersey special - Cream ‘em, Steam ‘em and Clean ‘em.)

Dr. Kinsey and Seller Whimsy

"Pipes just rodol roodled" (Agent just befiddle faddled.)

"Be sure to leave your business." (I have a hunch the seller who's "cleaned out" already did.)

"House w/ big balcony. Walk on at own risk." (Does the HOA cover DOA?)

"Staples for horses" (Office Depot for cows.)

"If you pass, you'll be sorry." (Especially if God bites!)

Call Dr. Phil, Then Pop a Pill

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE THE LAUGHTER:

"Bonus to Fix Seller" - More MLS Chucklers

Usually I have to skip a week to gather enough material for my MLS blooper review, but this past week was especially rife with colorful errors and head-scratching misspellings.

I even caught a few in the L.A. Times and Homes and Land Magazine. It appears that some agents were dozing at their keyboards…or doing tequila shooters – you decide.

Here are my Picks of the Week:

Where’s the Beef?

“Vintage cow foot tub with gold feet” (Old beef with gold leaf.)

“Mobile nome for sale (A leprechaun on a Harley?)

“Lots of great chops in area” (‘Great’ accordin’ to Lizzie Borden.)

“Lush landescaping” (Drunk land on the lam?)

“Nice area of mountain w/ village inn iit” (Offered by the Village Inn-i-it.”)

“Fixer – New reduced size!” (Seems the clunker’s been shrunkered.)

Too Good To Be True

“Bonus to fix seller” (We pay to spay.)

“New lo-flow John” (John must be on Flomax.)

“Nice Hollywood bunglaboo” (Agent bungle in the Hollywood jungle…)

“Work bintch thrown in for free” (The bintch should smack you upside your thick head.)

“Listen to the waves lapping in the arbor” (Run, you dud –there must be a flood!)


And Now I Have a Bridge to Sell You…

FOR MORE MLS CHUCKLES, VISIT:

"This House Will Smell Fast!"

This week's MLS was a whole bag ‘o crazy. Seriously, there should be a movie. I doubt if even Tina Fey could write anything funnier. Imagine it in 3D - with "fully stocked bras" and "large panty off kitchen." Special thanks to Greg Cooper and Patrick Martin and Fred Glick for their contributions:

Stinkin' and Drinkin'

"Garage and paddyo leans - needs support." (So does my Irish Uncle Paddyo after 4 pints of Guinness.

"This House will smell fast." (It seems the realtor stinks, also.)

"House has conservatorium" (A crematorium for Republicans, perhaps?)

"Hammered clobber tub" (I'll tell you who's hammered...)

"Everything on porch sways" (Tell Uncle Paddyo to get off the porch.)

And I Thought I had Heard It All...

"Converted church w/ original ball tower." (Geez - men need a monument for everything!)

"Extra Room in Attica" ( So much for prison overcrowding...)

"Laura Ashley pints in bedroom." (Uncle Paddyo passed out on bed.)

"Lazy Susan in kitch won't twist" (Put a dollar in her G String and see what happens)

"Antique fixtures made of bras." (Yes, old ones are hard to hold up.)

Gripes With the Pipes

"Chiten beans and rice served." (Someone will be chiten later for sure!)

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE

The MLS "Turkey Awards"

I think it's time to start a new awards show in Hollywood - The Super-Dooper-Blooper awards. The competition will be stiff, and the categories will be plentiful. The statue awarded will be a giant brass turkey. Why?...Because it was another week of weird descriptions and head scratchers on the MLS. One home was "warm and cotzly" and another was "near a succer field"...but they are no competition for what follows!

Thanks to Matt Stigliano of Re/Max, Patrick Martin of Sotheby's International Realty, and Nashville Broker Grant Hammond for their contributions, and thanks to the MLS for such a great read!


Masters and Disasters

"Master will thrill you" (But his wife may shoot you...)

"Two hoses on a lot" (...And one hoser agent.)

"Grass tiles in shower" (Cows grazing in bathroom)

"Awe-expiring view" (House with killer views)

"Steal of a deal - House w/ flour rentals" (Take ‘n Bake)

Disease and Dis-ease

"Inflammation deemed reliable but not guaranteed." (Try Neosporin.)

"Plaster in goof condition" (Goofy agent in plastered condition.)

"Fresh pain and carpet" (In case the payment isn't painful enough)

"Good property for investigators" (Apparently the master thrilled the wrong person...)

"Good schools and really fiendly neighbors" (A house to die for.)

"Big lard - needs work" (Is "Big Lard" the seller?)

Sin...and More Sin

"Vue home - golfers paradice" (A strip club for Tiger?)

"Just of Benadick Canyon" (That sounds painful...)

"Charming stoned path leads to herb garden" (Charming herbs lead to stoned agent.)

FOR MORE BLOOPERS, CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE

The Best Streets in Los Angeles - $$$!

If you'd like to know where and what the most desirable streets in L.A. are, check out this great report in the L.A. Times by Lauren Beale:

http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-hot-streets27-2010mar27,0,6734165.story

There is a high price for "Spectacular"!

Do you Tweet in order to establish your brand and promote your business? If you wnat more Tweet Power, check out this article from Tricia Anderson at Rismedia (o3/26/2010)

7 TIPS TO BRAND YOURSELF ON TWITTER

Marketing Messaging by Tricia Andreassen

RISMEDIA, March 26, 2010—There is a new wave of communication and lead generation opportunities in 2010, among them are social media platforms like Twitter. As one of the most prominent social networking platforms, Twitter is a great place to connect with people and give “tweets” of information about what is happening in your market. Twitter can also be the first place that people learn about who you are, what you do and why you are valuable to follow online.

With that in mind, think of Twitter as an extension of your business. Now, more than ever, it’s important to create a brand that helps your business stand out from the rest. You wouldn’t go to a networking function without business cards that include your company information, your phone number and a description of what you do, so make sure your Twitter account does. Consistency is the key when you are building and communicating your brand, no matter if it’s traditional advertising or new social media platforms.

Twitter even provides users the opportunity to brand themselves and their business. When signing up for Twitter, you are given the opportunity to use one of their template “skins” to showcase yourself or to create your own custom skin. By creating a custom branded Twitter skin you can showcase your own colors, your slogan or tag line and even your logo, further branding you and your business. With a custom Twitter skin that matches the branding of your business website, you are enhancing the probability that potential clients will remember you and your business.

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE

C.A.R. REPORTS ON CALIFORNIA HOME SALES AND PRICES

February sales and price report
For release:
Tuesday, March 23, 2010

C.A.R. reports February median price increased 14.1 percent; home sales decreased 11.7 percent

Quick Facts:
· Existing, single-family home sales decreased 11.7 percent in February to a seasonally adjusted rate
of 528,930 units on an annualized basis compared with February 2009.

· The statewide median price of an existing single-family home increased 14.1 percent in February to
$279,840, compared with February 2009.

· C.A.R.’s Unsold Inventory Index fell to 6.3 months in February, compared with 7.1 months in
February 2009.

LOS ANGELES (March 23) – Home sales decreased 11.7 percent in February in California compared with the same period a year ago, while the median price of an existing home rose 14.1 percent, the CALIFORNIA ASSOCIATION OF REALTORS® (C.A.R.) reported today.

“The federal tax credit for home buyers, low mortgage rates, and affordability at record levels have contributed to an unprecedented opportunity for many first-timers in the market for a home of their own,” said C.A.R. President Steve Goddard. “Although sales have declined from the unusually strong levels we experienced a year ago, they’ve remained above the 500,000 unit threshold for 18 consecutive months, while home prices continue to firm in the regions of the state most attractive to buyers taking advantage of today’s favorable market conditions.”

Closed escrow sales of existing, single-family detached homes in California totaled 528,930 in February at a seasonally adjusted annualized rate, according to information collected by C.A.R. from more than 90 local REALTOR® associations statewide. Statewide home resale activity decreased 11.7 percent from the revised 598,770 sales pace recorded in February 2009. Sales in February 2010 decreased 2.2 percent compared with the previous month.

The statewide sales figure represents what the total number of homes sold during 2010 would be if sales maintained the February pace throughout the year. It is adjusted to account for seasonal factors that typically influence home sales.

The median price of an existing, single-family detached home in California during February 2010 was $279,840, a 14.1 percent increase from the revised $245,230 median for February 2009, C.A.R. reported. The February 2010 median price decreased 2.4 percent compared with January’s $286,600 median price.

“Sales of distressed properties to investors and first-time buyers continued to drive the market in February, although at a lesser rate than a year ago,” said C.A.R. Vice President and Chief Economist Leslie Appleton-Young. “Supply continues to lag demand at the more affordable end of the market, with a 3.9 month supply of homes for sales priced below $300,000, compared with the long-run average of more than seven months. This contrasts sharply with the nearly 15-month supply of homes for sales priced at $1 million or more at the upper end of the market.”

Highlights of C.A.R.’s resale housing figures for February 2010:

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE:

Real Estate Humor: Could You sell This Turkey?

Attention all salespersons: It’s time to take a test to determine how good a salesperson you really are. Could you sell a house that’s a 10 on the Suckometer? If you get all the answers right, you will receive a can of Spam. Or not…

1. The house is devoid of natural light, so you: a) turn on all the lights b) pass out BIC lighters and tell everyone U2 might drop by c) install the disco ball light you won playing Bingo in 1972 and yell, ”Let’s get down!”

2. The house lacks color, so you: a) bring in greenery from the yard to brighten the room b) give a vacation slide show on the living room wall, or c) place a green leprechaun in the corner and paint his lips hooker red

3. There is an unsightly hole in the wall next to the couch, and thus you: a) suggest that the prospective buyer ask for credit or repair b) push the Lazy Boy (the chair, not your teenage kid) in front of the hole or c) stuff the leprechaun into the hole and tell him to stifle it.

4. You forgot to print the ever-so-important hand out materials, so you: a) distribute your business cards b) distribute the seller’s Playboy magazines c) distribute your S.A.G. resume and headshots, which any good L.A. agent always keeps in his trunk

5. The view is by far the only nice thing about the house, so you: a) set up the refreshment table on the patio to lead visitors outside b) put police tape over the doors of all the ugly rooms, or c) pass out binoculars and tell everyone there’s a naked couple in the pool down the hill.

6. There is mold on the bathroom wall, so you: a) disclose it and suggest that the buyer ask for credit or abatement b) bring in the neighbor’s kids to paint a mural around it or c) explain to the prospective buyer that it is holistic Velcro wallpaper

7. You forgot your portable CD player to assist in creating the perfect ambience, so you: a) Ask the seller permission to use the stereo b) invite visitors to your car to listen to your commercial voice tape or c) make the leprechaun sing, “Oh Danny Boy” (from his hole in the wall, of course)

8. Knowing that scent is a powerful sales tool you: a) heat brownies in the oven during the open house b) smoke a cigar so everyone can enjoy the rich tobacco aroma or c) slap a fish on the burner and set some cheese aflame

9. Beverages are important of course, so you: a) bring a selection of designer water, tea, coffee and punch b) offer everyone a swig of joe from your Home Depot thermos, or c) lace the punch with vodka so everyone will stop asking about the leprechaun stuck in the wall

10. (FOR THE GRAND FINALE, PLEASE CLICK HERE) OR VISIT

WWW.SHERLOCKOFHOMES.COM

R.E.SALES HOLLYWOOD STYLE

For quite some time I have been collecting misspelled names of people and well-known places in our area. Sometimes the misspellings are even better than the actual names. Others, however, are just plain funny. Who could possibly argue that "Blurbank" Airport wouldn't be a better name for that smog covered destination spot? And "Universaltile" Studios kind of says it all, doesn't it? Please enjoy:

Selling in the Land of Oz

"Designed by Frank Lord Wright" (Yes, some thought he was a god...)

"New Thermaldoor Fridge" (This actually make sense...if you plan to wear the door to go skiing.)
"Pt. Doom in Malibu" (That's Dune...unless you're the Grim Reaper.)

"Studio in Sliverlake" (That's Silverlake...although there is barely a sliver of water.)

"Near the beach in beautiful Belmont Sore" (Where the water obviously breeds contagions...)

"Views of Gotty Museum" (That's Getty...unless you're referring to a butcher shop in Jersey. )

"Lorna Ashley Prints" (Lorna Luft married Ashley Simpson and created this line of fabrics. They later created a cookie called Lorna Doone. "Lorna Doom" if you are in Malibu of course.)

"Beverlywould" (That's Beverlywood. Or would Beverly? Bev? Bev? Wouldya Bev?)

History 101

"Grivith Park" (That's Griffith Park - Purchased by Melanie, of course, right after she married Andy Griffith and gave birth to Opie, who changed his name to Ron Howard right after the Aunt Bea-Gomer scandal. No wonder Ron lost his hair.)

"Marina DelRoy" (It used to be Marina Del Rey until actor Delroy Lindo won the marina in a floating crap game. The floating crap was in the harbor.)

"Whiter" (This was Whittier...until it turned a Whiter Shade of Pale.)

"Handcock Park" (Seriously??? That's Hancock, you pervert!)

"Near LAXE" (Los Angeles Airport - renamed because flying out of this airport is sure to make you s__t your shorts.)

"Splanish Ranch in Asusa" (Gesundheit! That's Azusa - as in "A to Z in the USA . Does that 'splain things? )

PLEASE CLICK HERE FOR MORE "SALES IN THE LAND OF OZ"

"Marble Floor - Great for Clogging" - MLS Laughs

Beware all agents: My loyal spies and I are watching everything you put in print. Why? Because real estate ads can be more fun than a whoopee cushion! We found another batch of blatant bloopers that will set February into full swing. Here we go again - jump onto the MLS Malapropism Merry-go-round and enjoy the ride:

The Demise of Webster and Roget

"House near Malibu Whinery" (Buy a bunk near the Drunk n Funk)

"Bambo floors" (Bimbo Agent)

"Paneling made of imported Europein wood" (If you're a peein,' Ima leavin'.')

"Delicious abbatizers served" (Cue the Abba music: "You are the dancing queen...")

"A real diamond in the rust." (...And a water intrusion problem, it seems.)

"New flushing installed in back for drainage." (I believe that's called an outhouse.)

How am I Doing Now?

"After stop at Sixes Tavern, turn left, then right, cross tracks and wind uphill." (This must be the sobriety test AFTER the stop at Sixes Tavern.)

"Chandeleer & other fizures stay" (Home for sale in prime San Andreas Estates)

"Ranch with beautiful hillslide view" (Welcome to Avalanche Ranch)

"Property line goes to last swill" (Agent apparently does also.)

"House on pile ons" (Must be near the ranch with the hillslide view.)

"Near Beverly Hills Hortel" (Enough said.)

Too Much Information, Bozo

"Please don't ask seller about the hole in the wall." (And shall I also ignore the arrow in his forehead?)

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE:

A GLITCH IN THE PITCH

If you thought the MLS was full of color and confusion, check out these gems from area newspapers and online real estate sites. Is there a glitch in YOUR pitch?

For Those Who Want Only the Best

"Must see this germ to believe it!" (...said the agent with infectious enthusiasm.)

"Five bedrooms great for parties (Offered by The King of Swing)

"New drips in gardenr" (Penicillin will do the killin.")

"Please remove shoes before woking on carpet." (A stir-fry buy.)

"Let's make deal and celibate." (This must be a nunnery with no funnery.)

"Minimalist design w/ sleek lines. Even your fuzziest buyers will love it."(Let me guess...a hamster wheel?)

Don't Count on Multiple Offers...

"Big closet and another area for hanging." (Presenting the Benedict Arnold Suite. )

"Stable area. Avoid sink hole on Laurel." (Avoid morons who use oxymorons.)

"Cervical driveway accommodates 4 cars." (I think there's a surgery for that.)

"Top of the loin appliances" (Ahhh...so it has built in plumbing?)

THE BEST IS YET TO COME - PLEASE CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE:

The Madcap MLS!

Well folks, we have started off the New Year with a bang...or is it a bong? The MLS and the Real Estate ads are teeming with hilarious misspellings and bizarre descriptions. I suspect we will have a year full of delicious faux pas. (I suppose that would that be written as Fox Paws in MLS-speak.) Please enjoy:

SALES PITCHES RUN AMUCK:

"Kitchen with trash contractor" (For those who want to buy a dump...)

"Wine seller in basement" (Does anyone know he's missing?)

"Must submit proof of funs" (How ‘bout a photo of me on a ferris wheel?)

"Status reneged daily" (Please s__t or get off the pot...)

"Dank hardwood floors thrugout" (Offered by Smelly McSpelly)

"Full frontal and back landscaping" (Calling Dr. Freud...)

"Gracias living space" (Ole'!)

"244 hr notice required - Hurry - will go fast!" (Frankly, I think it's going nowhere.)

KINKY AND STINKY

"Stunning hurse ranch" (We wrangle the dead)

"Canceled - seller says small gas problem" (It's only small when you're not on the receiving end, pal.)

"Master dick overlooks fountain" (OMG - even I won't go there!)

"Tandem area - bedroom option" (How kinky-dink!)

"Large kitchen offers fever views" (Starve a fever, feed a cold.)

"You'll be peasantly surprised" (So was Marie Antoinette...)

"Only beast materials used" (Note to self: "Call PETA and keep my dog close.)

"Two story turkey home" (That's called a poultry farm, bozo...)

"Call for HO and assessment info" (Or just cruise down Hollywood Blvd....)

AND THEY JUST KEEP COMING...

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