Friday, September 25, 2009

The MLS - Bloopers, Bowels and Let's Not Forget the French

Believe it or not, last week there actually was an ad in the MLS Caravan Express announcing a house where you could "Live Near the Hollywood Bowel." It boggles the mind. I suppose the location was "easy in and out." (Or maybe the agent hails from Flushing.) I am not sure how many of these MLS bloopers are foolishness or how many are Freudian, but they sure make for good reading. Here are this week's hilarious contributions:


Fireplace with stone hearse. (For those seeking a ride to their crematorium.)
Nude sculptor non negotiable (I dunno - he sounds pretty easy to me.)
Built-in BBQ and attractive duck (Get your affairs in order, Daffy.)

Gym and handleball courts (I knew that sooner or later men would make this a sport!)

New Irritation system (I suspect this is connected to the Hollywood Bowel)

New deposit roof (A house that's located near a bird sanctuary.)

House has shudders (House needs Valium)

Beautiful bougainvillea and crapping fig (Agent with s__t for brains)

Korean countertops (If you cook on the North side of the kitchen, you'll be shot.)

Soapstoned counters (Well stoned agent.)

Friday, September 18, 2009

Real Estate, Frank, Elvis and the Beatles

Isn't it interesting how a person can hear a song and feel as though it were written just for them? Nietzsche said, "Without music, life would be a mistake." Last week I talked about real estate's influence on literature, and today I think we should consider how some of the most famous songs in the world were influenced by our often undervalued profession. Here's my evidence (would I lie to you?):

Happiness is a Warm Gun (A Brokers Open in South Central)

Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds (A Beverly Hills agent on nine cups of java)

Please, Please Me (Refrain of the Greek Chorus at a Listing Appointment)

Another One Bites the Dust (Refrain of the Greek Chorus when your buyer tells you he recently "invested" the down payment money)

Thriller (A 4% commission that requires no sexual favors)

Brown Sugar (A sweet deal that turns to s__t.)

Dancing Queen (A West Hollywood agent at COE)

Straight Outta Compton (A house with bullet holes for air conditioning)

Bang Bang (Name of the HVAC company that services Compton)

You Shook Me All Night Long (Twilight Open near the San Andreas Fault)

Would I Lie To You (An extra credit question on the state real estate exam - the multiple choice selection is: a) Yes b) Why Not? c) Does a turd float? or c) All of the above, bozo)

The Tracks of My Tears (The road from here to your last failed escrow)

Friday, September 11, 2009

Cat on a Hot Tin Real Estate Roof

Some folks think real estate is a boring business, but have you ever noticed the influence real estate has had on the arts? Over a Friday martini lunch, be sure to check out the following famous books, and you'll see what I mean:

Gone With the Wind (Stated Income)

Hard Times (L.A. Agent Driving a KIA)

From Here To Eternity (Time required to close a Short Pay)

The Mousetrap (A Starter Home in Los Angeles)

The Divine Comedy (Housing Prices in Beverly Hills)

A Streetcar Named Desire (An agent’s bus trip home after his Porsche is repossessed)

The Odyssey (Driving around Los Angeles with a flaky buyer)

Cat on A Hot Tin Roof (An agent trying to explain the naked girl in the seller’s pool)

A Confederacy of Dunces (Agents in a conga line at Last Call)

Shogun (Good advice when showing houses in South Central)

The Godfather (A deal where everyone gets bloody, but the pizza at the open house is great)

The Call of the Wild (A real estate convention in Vegas)

Les Miserables (Four agents in a Focus…clipping coupons)