Thursday, December 17, 2009

Fetch Me a Cold one

It's been another week of marvelous MLS bloopers, friends. Sit back, prop up those tired feet, and have a few laughs. Some of these come straight from the Guinness Book of Bloopers. (That's Guinness, as in the Irish ale. I think a few of these agents must chug that stuff.)

Order Me Another

"Beautiful Curved Spinal Staircase" - (That's called scoliosis, bozo.)

"Three Stunning Decks, Two Walking Closets" (And a partridge in a pear tree.)

"Mother died - Sellers committed" (Pushing Daisies and Bag-o-Crazies)

"Buyers are Certifiable" (Margot Kidder and Anne Heche must be home shopping)

"Bar w/ bankok seating" (Happy hour special: Mai Thais.)

"House on peers" (Cue the music and tell ‘em, Mick: "Don't wanna be your beast of burden...")

"New pipes and antiseptic system (We ream ‘em then clean ‘em)

"Small criminal activity" (I think they prefer the term "little people")

Bottoms Up

"Peek-a-boop city view in main bath" (Referred to as a boop-n-poop.)

"Remodelvated master" (Retarderated listing agent.)

"Plse be confederate of tenants" (...Or what - will they file a Civil War suit?)

"Own a piece of heathen" (I'd prefer a whole heathen - I need a date for New Year.)

Last Call:


Friday, December 11, 2009

Best Real Estate Laughs of the Year

Yes, this is the time of year when we should have nothing but love in our hearts. But you all know me well by now: Take one shot of satire, mix with the greatest office tales one could ever gather, shake gently, and then serve straight up (followed by a few real martini chasers). These are the best dumb real estate questions reported to me this year. Enjoy yourselves while I pour another martini - salud!

They Must Only Let You Out on Weekends

1) "The sellers did not disclose that the neighbor is a drunk, and he passed out on our front lawn. Can we sue the previous owner?" (Hmmm...let me check the drunk clause in your contract. Oh, here it is right here: It says, "You're an idiot.")

2) "Will the sellers be taking the septic with them?" ( Not unless they have S__t for Brains and are in the fertilizer business.)

3) "Can we put a window over the fireplace to increase the light?" (Great idea, and then you won't have to pay for your dead canary to go to college..."

4) "Will the lender let us move in and then defer the mortgage payments until after we do some decorating?" (Of course, Mr. and Mrs. Whackadoodle - I'm sure your happiness is payment enough.)

5) "Can I put up my Rolex as a good faith deposit?" (Certainly - why don't jump into the ‘ol VW bus and drive it over to the lender with an ounce of that pot you've been smoking?)

Home Features and Strange Creatures

6) "Does the garage come with the house?" (Yes, but that family room is going to cost you extra.)

7) "I thought a ‘Jack and Jill' was slang for a ‘well.'" (No, it's a Hollywood dating ritual wherein...