Friday, September 17, 2010

Have a Cup of Shut Up

Recently a Mortgage Broker told me he could "request a specific appraiser and make sure the appraisal comes in at contract price." First of all, pal, I hear that HVCC Jail is a lot like Joliet Prison, but the male inmates aren't as pretty. And secondly, what the h_ll were you thinking when you said that??? Okay, I agree there are certain phrases and questions we have all heard or used in real estate that no longer apply. Or if they do, they have a new meaning. Thus, we need to think before we rattle off the old phrases that used to slip so easily off our forked tongues. This is my take on "Don't Say It Just Because You Thunk It":

Don't Say It Just Because You Thunk It

"You can always turn it for a profit!" (Thank you, Heidi Fleiss.)

"Maybe the lender will pay the buyers closing costs." (And maybe I'll find George Clooney in my Christmas pantyhose. Uh, I mean stocking.)

"Don't worry - the bank doesn't want your house." (Are you high??? Can you say "TARP bailout incentives?")

"Anybody can make money in real estate." (...Said the CEO of Bear Stearns while strapping on his Golden Parachute.)

"We'll have complete loan approval in 17 days." (...Provided your mortgage broker can make bail.)

Don't Press Your Luck, Pal

"The house isn't bolted, but it's still standing." (So is David Hasselhoff, but I wouldn't give him my car keys...)

"You can't build too many." (Yes, Mr. Ford. ...Uh, you say that's called an "Edsel"?)

"I'd like some of your commission as an incentive." (And I'd like one of your kidneys so I can drink more.)

"Are they offering any buyer incentives?" (Let's see - low rates, low prices...or are we talking about my kidneys again?)

"Speak with the guy next door. I doubt if he'll mind a dog run on the easement." (Of course not - he'll have a better shot from there.)

"Does the buyer expect me to give the damn thing away?" (I believe that's what "Father of the Bride" means, Mr. Clinton.)

"Maybe the neighbor will let you remove the old fence. " (He may let you remove his old lady, too, but I wouldn't recommend it.)

"I do not want a house unless it offers lots of privacy." (I love your sense of humor, Mrs. Obama.)

Need I Say the Word "OBVIOUS"?

"Are there any fixers in Malibu?" (Sure - Charlie Sheen, Mel, the toothless singer-lady, the guy with the aluminum foil hat....)

"Everything in the house is state-of-the-art" (WHOSE art? Since when is a monkey beating on a pan an effective alarm system?)