Friday, February 19, 2010

Real Estate Humor: Could You sell This Turkey?

Attention all salespersons: It’s time to take a test to determine how good a salesperson you really are. Could you sell a house that’s a 10 on the Suckometer? If you get all the answers right, you will receive a can of Spam. Or not…

1. The house is devoid of natural light, so you: a) turn on all the lights b) pass out BIC lighters and tell everyone U2 might drop by c) install the disco ball light you won playing Bingo in 1972 and yell, ”Let’s get down!”

2. The house lacks color, so you: a) bring in greenery from the yard to brighten the room b) give a vacation slide show on the living room wall, or c) place a green leprechaun in the corner and paint his lips hooker red

3. There is an unsightly hole in the wall next to the couch, and thus you: a) suggest that the prospective buyer ask for credit or repair b) push the Lazy Boy (the chair, not your teenage kid) in front of the hole or c) stuff the leprechaun into the hole and tell him to stifle it.

4. You forgot to print the ever-so-important hand out materials, so you: a) distribute your business cards b) distribute the seller’s Playboy magazines c) distribute your S.A.G. resume and headshots, which any good L.A. agent always keeps in his trunk

5. The view is by far the only nice thing about the house, so you: a) set up the refreshment table on the patio to lead visitors outside b) put police tape over the doors of all the ugly rooms, or c) pass out binoculars and tell everyone there’s a naked couple in the pool down the hill.

6. There is mold on the bathroom wall, so you: a) disclose it and suggest that the buyer ask for credit or abatement b) bring in the neighbor’s kids to paint a mural around it or c) explain to the prospective buyer that it is holistic Velcro wallpaper

7. You forgot your portable CD player to assist in creating the perfect ambience, so you: a) Ask the seller permission to use the stereo b) invite visitors to your car to listen to your commercial voice tape or c) make the leprechaun sing, “Oh Danny Boy” (from his hole in the wall, of course)

8. Knowing that scent is a powerful sales tool you: a) heat brownies in the oven during the open house b) smoke a cigar so everyone can enjoy the rich tobacco aroma or c) slap a fish on the burner and set some cheese aflame

9. Beverages are important of course, so you: a) bring a selection of designer water, tea, coffee and punch b) offer everyone a swig of joe from your Home Depot thermos, or c) lace the punch with vodka so everyone will stop asking about the leprechaun stuck in the wall



Friday, February 12, 2010


For quite some time I have been collecting misspelled names of people and well-known places in our area. Sometimes the misspellings are even better than the actual names. Others, however, are just plain funny. Who could possibly argue that "Blurbank" Airport wouldn't be a better name for that smog covered destination spot? And "Universaltile" Studios kind of says it all, doesn't it? Please enjoy:

Selling in the Land of Oz

"Designed by Frank Lord Wright" (Yes, some thought he was a god...)

"New Thermaldoor Fridge" (This actually make sense...if you plan to wear the door to go skiing.)
"Pt. Doom in Malibu" (That's Dune...unless you're the Grim Reaper.)

"Studio in Sliverlake" (That's Silverlake...although there is barely a sliver of water.)

"Near the beach in beautiful Belmont Sore" (Where the water obviously breeds contagions...)

"Views of Gotty Museum" (That's Getty...unless you're referring to a butcher shop in Jersey. )

"Lorna Ashley Prints" (Lorna Luft married Ashley Simpson and created this line of fabrics. They later created a cookie called Lorna Doone. "Lorna Doom" if you are in Malibu of course.)

"Beverlywould" (That's Beverlywood. Or would Beverly? Bev? Bev? Wouldya Bev?)

History 101

"Grivith Park" (That's Griffith Park - Purchased by Melanie, of course, right after she married Andy Griffith and gave birth to Opie, who changed his name to Ron Howard right after the Aunt Bea-Gomer scandal. No wonder Ron lost his hair.)

"Marina DelRoy" (It used to be Marina Del Rey until actor Delroy Lindo won the marina in a floating crap game. The floating crap was in the harbor.)

"Whiter" (This was Whittier...until it turned a Whiter Shade of Pale.)

"Handcock Park" (Seriously??? That's Hancock, you pervert!)

"Near LAXE" (Los Angeles Airport - renamed because flying out of this airport is sure to make you s__t your shorts.)

"Splanish Ranch in Asusa" (Gesundheit! That's Azusa - as in "A to Z in the USA . Does that 'splain things? )


Friday, February 5, 2010

"Marble Floor - Great for Clogging" - MLS Laughs

Beware all agents: My loyal spies and I are watching everything you put in print. Why? Because real estate ads can be more fun than a whoopee cushion! We found another batch of blatant bloopers that will set February into full swing. Here we go again - jump onto the MLS Malapropism Merry-go-round and enjoy the ride:

The Demise of Webster and Roget

"House near Malibu Whinery" (Buy a bunk near the Drunk n Funk)

"Bambo floors" (Bimbo Agent)

"Paneling made of imported Europein wood" (If you're a peein,' Ima leavin'.')

"Delicious abbatizers served" (Cue the Abba music: "You are the dancing queen...")

"A real diamond in the rust." (...And a water intrusion problem, it seems.)

"New flushing installed in back for drainage." (I believe that's called an outhouse.)

How am I Doing Now?

"After stop at Sixes Tavern, turn left, then right, cross tracks and wind uphill." (This must be the sobriety test AFTER the stop at Sixes Tavern.)

"Chandeleer & other fizures stay" (Home for sale in prime San Andreas Estates)

"Ranch with beautiful hillslide view" (Welcome to Avalanche Ranch)

"Property line goes to last swill" (Agent apparently does also.)

"House on pile ons" (Must be near the ranch with the hillslide view.)

"Near Beverly Hills Hortel" (Enough said.)

Too Much Information, Bozo

"Please don't ask seller about the hole in the wall." (And shall I also ignore the arrow in his forehead?)