Saturday, April 4, 2009


Why Agentz Shud Prufrede

The MLS should be on Oprah’s Reading List. Seriously. There are so many typos and outrageous remarks in the MLS that it makes for great leisure reading. The newspaper ads certainly add to the merriment. I love houses with features such as a “slimming pool” or a “crook’s kitchen,” especially if those features are in a “Post and Bean” house. And what could be more entertaining than a “barge yard” (for your barges of course) or a “wall of widows?” Thus, I have compiled some of my favorite typos. So take a moment to smile, fiends. (Uh, I meant “friends.”)

Would YOU Buy This House???

Large slitting room (Is this Tony Soprano’s house?)
House on Beautiful wok street (But what if I don’t cook?)
Libary with built in shivs (In all fairness, perhaps this is in a prison.)
Disclosure: Crack on back side (Relax, we all have one.)
Call lasting agent (There aren’t many of us left!)
Oven flew in from Italy (Paid for with frequent flyer miles)
Built in wino bar (My favorite kind!)
Lunch severed (One misplaced r and you’re dead.)
Snacks and drunks okay… (My sentiments exactly.)
Bang hard (We just won’t go there).

Let’s Sell This Sucker
Seller moved but furniture strayed (Now that is just visually hysterical)
Brick Drivaway (Mama Mia - Those bricks must have flown in from Italy with the oven.)
Seller in NY - Coming out soon (This was in West Hollywood…think about it.)
Plumbing needs motivation (Way too much information.)
Terrorist yard (Another head-scratcher.)
Pouter room (A place to go when the first payment is due)
Call Frist (Will the Senator filibuster for me?)
Beautiful terpentine tiles in shower (Huh?)
Rear entry blocked off (Eat prunes.)
Pieceful feeling (Especially when in the shiv room)
Seller can’t say no (There’s a 12 step program for that.)
Seller says Gas is a problem (His plumbing must “need motivation” also.)

Weird and Random
Rooster somewhere in the neighborhood, but not for long. (Need I say more?)
Screams reported at twilight open house were coyotes we think. (Or a rooster perhaps?)
The foundation bolted (But the house stayed???)
Grass fireplace starter (Perhaps this home was on the tundra.)
Owner says Dog likes the taste of people. (This was just damn funny!)
Built-in smoker (Grandpa won’t leave.)
Strange glass windows (I’m too dumb to make this stuff up.)
Cemetery nearby (That must be a big sales motivator.)
Ass is (Seriously – I just can’t take it.)
Agents to be split down the middle. (I sense a need for anger management classes here.)
No smaking please (But you deserve one upside your thick head.)
Close to Therapy, Rehab and Shopping (One of those choices is bound to work.)
Designer Don. (A decorating offer you can’t refuse!)

And in Case You Need Your Own Motivation:

Seller will look at all offers but has been saying no a lot. (Are you kidding me?)
Call then go. But call again if you can’t get in. Then try again. (Fool me once…fool me twice…)
Call for show times. No kids. Seller may be there and can’t handle anything less than four feet tall. (Short agents should stay clear also.)
Seller says he’ll give dog to buyer. Check with city for past complaints. Cute dog.
Does anyone want a noisy bird? (To feed to a “cute dog”?)
Must sell. Not a short sale. Seller has just had it. (I love this.)
Hysterical Home (Is it in the Hysterectomy Books?)
Recently bombed for fleas. (That may have been overkill.)
Marina Del Ray houseboat with great living style. Ask about leaks and other issues.

Biggest Sellers, So take Note:

No earthquake insurance. But this is a few miles from the San Andreas Fault so you’ll be fine.
Voted Safest Neighborhood until last year.
Van Nuys: Driveway is shared, but other party doesn’t share too good.
Neighbor on N. side is nasty. You’ve been warned.
Short Sale. Must qualify with lender. Call soon. Lender may go out of business.
Seller leaving state, Going to State of Denial. Kidding. It’s just a bad market.

Okay, so I know what you all are thinking: Los Angeles is not a state of mind…it’s a mindless state. But at least we are colorful and constipated. I mean consistent. Until next week, go in piece.

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